Deny Everything, Bob

Hey, Bobby. Whatcha doing?

“Bobscotch.”

Not a thing.

“Oh, yeah. See, I’ve been playing these songs for, uh, ever and I gotta keep ’em interesting.”

So you play a child’s game while you’re performing?

“It’s not a child’s game. Would a child wear this hat?”

No, Bruce Dern would wear that hat.

“Underrated Dern. Most folks go with Laura, but I’m a Bruce man.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Hold on, I gotta get this.”

…

“Yello?”

…

“Uh-huh.”

…

“Really, now?”

…

“Uh-huh. Could you, uh, hold the line for a sec?”

…

“Hey, you.”

Me?

“Yeah. Guy on the phone says is name is Clarence Darrow. Wants to ask me a few questions.”

I truly doubt Clarence Darrow is calling you, Bobby.

“Roman Sparrow?”

Ronan Farrow? Is that the guy’s name?

“Hold, please.”

…

“He says it is, yeah.”

HANG UP THE PHONE, BOBBY.

“He sounds like a fan. Actually, he sounds like Frank Sin–”

HANG UP THE PHONE, BOBBY.

“Why don’t you talk to him?”

What? No! I don’t wanna–

ROCK STAR HANDING A PHONE TO AN IDIOT NOISE

Ah, Christ. Haloooo?

“Hello, this is Ronan Farrow. To whom am I speaking?”

Holy shit, you look like your dad.

“Woody Allen?”

…

…

…

Yeah. Sure.

“Mm-hmm. I was calling to speak to Robert Weir, late of the Grateful Dead about some allegations made against the organization.”

Rowboat–

“Don’t call me that.

–there’s no story here. Trust me on this one. Whatever may or may not have happened was all consensual and in the spirit of highjinks and larks.

“Well, I’m just going where the facts take me. Can you put me back on with Robert, please?”

In a second. Lemme just ask you something: do you have a Time Sheath?

“A what?”

It’s like a time machine.

“So why don’t you just call it a time machine?’

Because “machine” implies technology, and the Time Sheath runs on magick.

“Was there a ‘k’ at the end of that word?”

Ronan, do you have a Time Sheath?

“No.”

The Grateful Dead does.

“Who the fuck would trust those morons with something that powerful?”

See, there’s the journalistic instinct that is serving you so well. I have no idea how they got the Time Sheath, but they did and holy crap the things someone with even the tiniest bit of imagination can do with it! For example, it could be used to strand a nosy nelly in the year 1322. You can do all sorts of things with it. Capiche, paisan?

“I’m not Italian.”

Uh-huh. Do we understand each other?

“Are you threatening me?”

Yup. Stay away from the Grateful Dead.

“Or what?”

SHWAZATHOOM!

Or that.

“THERE’S A FUCKING STEGOSAURUS IN MY OFFICE!”

Do we understand each other?

“FINE! FINE!”

Awesome. Big fan of your work, but stay the fuck away from the Dead.

“HOW DO I GET RID OF THIS THING?”

A meteor might do the trick.