Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Do Not Use Babies As Weapons

DO NOT USE BABIES AS WEAPONS

It has come to our attention that people have been using babies as weapons: do not use babies as weapons.

Babies do not want to be weapons; they want to look at shapes and grow neck muscles. Babies not only mean no harm, but are incapable of meaning anything. When you leave a baby’s field of vision, you cease to exist in the baby’s universe. Object permanence is a cornerstone of the mental scaffolding needed to be an asshole on purpose. Babies aren’t assholes. They are babies. Do not use them as weapons.

Babies are poor weapons in almost every way. They lack the heft, balance, and ease of grip of a melee weapon; babies possess no natural edge, nor can they be sharpened; and, compared to an arrow or cannonball, lack any aerodynamic properties that would make them suitable as a ranged weapon.

There are many things in our world not intended as weaponry that can be used as such: bowling balls, bottles of high-test alcohol and rags, dental equipment. These things are hard, or sharp, or explodey. Babies are not any of these things, except explodey and only in the sense of making boom-booms.

Tactically, babies are terrible weapons, too. An armed man can carry hundreds of rounds of ammo, or dozens of arrows, or three or four Ginsu sets worth of knives; how many babies can you carry? Five? Six? Plus: they will give away your location. If you had chosen to use a gun like a normal person, then you would have been able to creep through the jungle undetected with a shitload of firepower strapped to you. Instead, you chose to use babies as weapons, so now Charlie has been laughing at you for the last two clicks because your three weaponized babies are screaming their heads off.

Sure, it seems like a fun way to spend an afternoon. And everyone loves babies, and weapons. But do not use babies as weapons.

DO NOT USE BABIES AS WEAPONS

63 Comments

  1. maggiemay

    http://www.ntnews.com.au/news/centralian-advocate/mother-used-one-year-old-baby-as-weapon-in-alice-springs-street-fight/story-fnk4wgm8-1227272439724
    “It is understood the baby was grabbed by the ankles and swung at a man during the brawl on Smith St, Alice Springs, about 9.45am ­yesterday.”

    fucking metal as fuck

    • thoughtsonthedead

      The guy probably wasn’t hurt, tho. That’s why–like i said–you shouldn’t use babies as weapons.

      • maggiemay

        What if we engineered babies to be more anatomically utilitarian? Would you support that? I’d be down as fuck

        • thoughtsonthedead

          Not only would I support genetically engineered Death Babies, it is now the main plank of my 2016 presidential platform.

          • maggiemay

            Do you know where I could get a fake ID? Because you’ve got my frickin’ vote.

          • thoughtsonthedead

            do not voter fraud u will go 2 obama jail

      • maggiemay

        fuk u don’t tell me how 2 live my life

        #GIVE EM HELL BERNIE

      • maggiemay

        http://m.9gag.com/gag/apBp1WE

        I know you said no 9gag but the “little Jew hat” part has me fucked up RN

      • August West

        It’s better to Bern out than to fade away.
        https://c1.staticflickr.com/1/271/19625249862_62b68e36ef_z.jpg

      • maggiemay

        YES THANK YOU AUGUST ❤️

  2. August West

    Policeman: How did this man die.
    Killer: The baby hit him officer.
    Policeman: Ok thank you. (cuffs the baby)
    http://www.activeclub.com.ua/in/foto/10245.jpg

    • maggiemay

      this is true art

      • August West

        Correct, that’s my kid. His name is Art.

  3. Rodeoamy

    Using boobies as a weapon still okay, though?

    • Boogaloo

      Hold on lemme check w Wonder Woman.

    • maggiemay

      There are men who have died from being smothered by breasts, and I can only imagine that that’s every straight man’s dream.

      • maggiemay

        STILL THO I DON’T LIKE GENERALIZING MEN AS CAVEPEOPLE WHO CAN ONLY THINK ABOUT TITS BCUZ UR SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT OKAy trust me this is coming from a high school girl who is surrounded by fucking idiot boys 24/7 u can be better than that

      • Boogaloo

        Being a caveman in high school is a necessary step to becoming a slightly less stoopid version of that caveman later on in life.

      • maggiemay

        Very true. Men are cavemen, but good cavemen. You’re alright.

        High school boys still terrify me.

      • Boogaloo

        /16 yr old Ron McKernan says HELLO

      • maggiemay

        YOU PEOPLE ARE AWFUL AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF URSELVES U DISGUSTING FUCKS LMAO

      • maggiemay

        http://i.imgur.com/UiNZlVA.jpg

        ToTD do you still have that cat you picked up in a parking lot?

      • maggiemay

        Bruh that was like 9 years ago what happened 2 da cat

      • maggiemay

        I’m going to wear that bra to the Phish concert should any wooks try to fuck with me

      • Rodeoamy

        Set it to stun. Those Phishies are mostly harmless.

        • maggiemay

          I might (and I stress the word might) figure out a way to bring a small knife or something in there JUST in case. I haven’t ever had to do that yet in my life thankfully but as a girl who is not experienced in kicking ass I am not going to take my chances.

          • thoughtsonthedead

            margaret, it’s a phish concert, not a cockfight. no weapons. not even babies.

          • maggiemay

            i DONT CARE I WANT 2 BE SAFE IM TERRIFIED AROUND THOSE WOOKIEE PEOPLE

          • thoughtsonthedead

            LET THEM WIN AT SPACE CHESS AND HELP THEM GET HOME FOR LIFE DAY THEY WILL LUV U

          • maggiemay

            life day?

            thnkz m90 I hope they like me because if not they’re not allowed to come within a 10 foot radius of me

          • maggiemay

            ok what is there even to do at the Phish lot bc I want to go

          • thoughtsonthedead

            free candy
            vans
            men with lost puppies
            bonerclowns
            incontinent cosplayers
            benjys

          • maggiemay

            THAT’S RIGHT UP MY ALLEY NOW IM SUPER PUMPED COME AT ME BONERCLOWNS what’s a bonerclown

          • thoughtsonthedead

            exactly what you think it is

          • maggiemay

            Can we be real for a second: is there a chance (a real, legitimate chance, not just some bonerclown thing you’re imagining) of someone stepping into my personal bubble and yelling stupid shit about the best Tweezer jam they’ve ever heard?

          • thoughtsonthedead

            tahoe

          • maggiemay

            NO SHIT SHERLOCK

          • maggiemay

            I simply want to remain safe. I don’t want to have to deal with any assholes lusting after me or anything

          • thoughtsonthedead

            U WILL B COURTED BY GENTLEMEN SUITORS

          • maggiemay

            tru my best friend will be there

            but we both have anxiety disorder so together we’re a bunch of nervous fucks

            REASON NUMBER #479 WHY I NEED A SUGAR DADDY IS IN CASE ANY BONERCLOWNS WANT TO FUCK WITH ME

          • thoughtsonthedead

            BONERCLOWNS MAKE TEH BEST SUGAR DADDYS

          • maggiemay

            YPOURE NOT HELPING

            HOW MANY PHISH SHOWS HAVE U SEEN BY YOURSELF
            oh wait nvm lol ur a grown ass man no one would fuck with u

          • thoughtsonthedead

            I have never seen the phishes

          • maggiemay

            hahahahahahaAHAHAHAHAHAHahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA I WILL HAVE SEEN THEM BEFORE YOU

          • maggiemay

            im srry i laughed at your lack of Phish concerts

            you got to see the Dead so you win

          • thoughtsonthedead

            i m teh king #100

          • maggiemay

            http://nationalreport.net/fbi-classifies-phish-phans-criminal-gang/ even this very real 100% completely non-lying non-fiction reliable source says so

          • maggiemay

            http://salmonofcapistrano.com/ turn ur sound on all the way bc it’s really quiet

          • maggiemay

            my dad seems weary about it but I really would like to observe these people in their natural habitat

          • maggiemay

            Someone once asked me if the reason I go by Maggie is because my real name is “Magnolia.” Sadly it’s just Margaret.

          • thoughtsonthedead

            MAGNESIUM

          • maggiemay

            my friends call me Faggie

      • Boogaloo

        HAWT

  4. Rodeoamy

    Also, DO NOT USE BABIES AS DOODLE PADS.
    http://i.ytimg.com/vi/awNEEU9mKp4/0.jpg

  5. Matt Campfield

    Maggie….you’ll be fine at phish there just like deadheads except they smell worse, are more likely to have a trust fund, be drunk, and the band they like has a bunch of children’s songs just like a circus!!! If need be find a couple in their thirties who are wearing dead shirts. Explain you are just a young head beginning your journey. We are everywhere including at the phishes.

    • maggiemay

      Matt, thank you! That makes me feel quite a bit better. I think people will be able to figure out that I’m new there and I am confident they will be nice. I need to relax.

      I, too, be wearing Dead garb (my trusty baseball cap) and as much jewelry I can wear, as I never do so. It should be amazingly fun.

      • thoughtsonthedead

        wooks r gunna eat u

      • maggiemay

        I’m bringing a flamethrower

        Try to get within my radius

  6. thoughtsonthedead

    NOM NOM NOM WOOK WOOK WOOK.

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