“Hey, Trumpers! Just hanging out with my maaaaaan here, whose name I forgot, but he’s fuckin’ righteous. Dudes, we got new merch in the shop and I think you’re gonna love this stuff. All new Junior Is My Homeboy tee-shirts, and–”
“Junior!”
“Hey, you’re awesome.”
“Junior, are you livestreaming our meeting?”
“Dude, Trump Team Ten demands new content.”
“I’m your lawyer, asshole. You cannot livestream meetings with your lawyer.”
“Is that, like, a YouTube term of service thing?”
PHONE SNATCHING NOISE
“Dude, my subscribers.”
“Shut up. We need to talk about your Senate testimony.”
“When am I doing that?”
“You did it already. In March.”
“If you say so. Wait, is Senate testimony when a Vietnamese lady takes care of your feet?”
“No. That’s a pedicure.”
“Then I do not recall this Senate testimony you speak of.”
“You were in a big building full of white people, and people asked you questions you struggled to answer.”
“Dude, that’s literally every day of my life.”
“Regardless.”
“Excuse me, Mr. Lawyer. The word is irregardless.”
“Junior, you need to explain to me some of the responses you gave to the Senate. Here. This is the transcipt of the hearing.”
“Dude, that is so thick. That’s what she said!”
“Did you just ‘That’s what she said?’ yourself? You can’t do that.”
“My dad’s the president, I can do anything.”
“Just open the transcript to the first post-it note, please.”
“Dude, I really don’t wanna read. I’ve totally pivoted to video.”
“Open it!”
“DON’T HIT ME, DAD!”
…
“I almost feel sorry for you.”
“So many people say those exact words to me.”
“Open the transcript.”
“Fine.”
“Now you see there where I’ve highlighted? You were asked what you thought the meeting with the Russians was about, and you answered ‘Colluding.'”
“Uh-huh.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Reverse psychology.”
“Explain.”
“Dude, we’ve been, like, ‘No collusion’ over and over and no one will drop the investigation. So I pulled a reverse psychology on them. Instead of saying ‘No collusion,’ I said ‘Collusion,’ and they were like ‘Whaaaaaaa?’ They didn’t know whether to shit or go blind.”
“Me, neither.”
“I set a donbush. That’s like an ambush–”
“I get it.”
“–but with me.”
“Yeah.”
“Everyone calls me Junior, but my name’s Donald.”
“Okay, let’s go to the next post-it. You were asked what happened after the meeting with the Russian lawyers and you said–and I quote–‘I don’t remember what I did do, but I remember what I didn’t do, and that’s call my father. That definitely didn’t happen. No dad-calling from me at that point. Nosireebob.'”
“Uh-huh.”
“You actually said ‘Nosireebob.'”
“I’m pretty folksy once you get to know me.”
“Right. So, uh, here’s the problem: you did speak to your father after the meeting.”
“Did I?”
“Yes.”
“How do you know that?”
“You told me and provided your cell phone records. You also recorded the conversation.”
“I always do that when I’m talking to Dad. Sometimes he sounds proud of me, and I edit those bits together to listen to in the gym. Pumps me up.”
“Junior.”
“You lift?”
“Junior.”
“Blasting back and bi’s today. You wanna come? Black your back and bi’s?”
…
“You lied to the Senate, Junior.”
“In my defense, several of those Senators look Jewish.”
“You cannot lie to the Senate.”
“What, like there’s a law against it?”
“Yes.”
“Really?”
“Several. It is very, very illegal to lie to the Senate during a hearing.”
“Huh. Throw it on the pile, I guess.”
“Listen to me: no statements. Stay out of sight. Get off of social media.”
“Even Tinder?”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, you’re on Tinder?”
“Dude, hooked up with this hottie last week. Chinese chick. She had the eyes, the weird pubes, the whole package. And she was, like, really from China.”
“A Chinese citizen?”
“I didn’t see her passport. She had an accent, though. We did it two-and-a-half times.”
“Two-and-a-half?”
“My dad called and I couldn’t get it up anymore.”
“Sure.”
“She was really knowledgeable about US politics, though. Kept asking me all these questions.”
“Uh-huh. What was her name?”
“She said it was Honey Pott.”
“I quit.”
It’s like when a clown car pulls up, and there’s like a million of the fuckers get out, only, instead of a “Smart” it’s the administration, and instead of clowns, it’s felonies.
In retrospect, I think I may have inadvertently quoted one of my favorite authors, but I can’t check without violating the tenants of ‘without research.’