Earth Facts For Earth Day

• 2/3rds water.
• 1/4 land.
• The rest is the Shadowlands; never go there, Simba.
• Earth is the only planet in the solar system where you can get babyback ribs.
• The circumference of earth is almost 25,000 miles; a guy named Eratosthenes figured that out in 250 BC with a stick, a well, and some camels. (Honest.)
• In some places, it is so cold that you will die.
• In other places, it is so hot that you will die.
• Our atmosphere is made up of 78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, and 1% fake news.
• If the entire timeline of earth’s history were compressed into one day, then humans wouldn’t fuck up the climate until the last half-second.
• Compared the Sun, our planet is tiny; if Earth were the size of a basketball, then the sun would be far larger.
• Even with today’s technology, you could not install wall-to-wall carpeting on the earth.
• The first Earth Day was celebrated in 1970.

“I did that. The press refuses to tell the truth about my accomplishments.”

Dammit.

“Nixon has always cared about the environment.”

You had a Democratic Congress and you signed environmental bills so they would pass your crime bills and fund your wars.

“And yet the environment was still  helped. Your naiveté is astonishing, son.”

What the hell are you doing?

“Communing with nature.”

In wingtips?

“One must look presentable. Keep trim, hair combed, that sort of thing. The people won’t vote for a stumblebum.”

You’d be surprised what the people would vote for.

“No, no. The American people are a clean-cut people. Inherently, Americans despise sloppiness. This is why the hippies are so despised. A decent American sees a hippie and knows it’s got a filthy asshole. Crusted over, maybe. And this, uh, fact is what you emphasize on the campaign trail. You must make the voter disgusted with your opponent. So, you link him to these dirty children. Works very well.”

You gonna take a dip?

“Nixon doesn’t swim.”

No.