Farrows Of Neon And Flashing Marquees Out On Main Street

“Excuse me, what is this now?”

I need to talk to you some more.

“Why am I wearing a tux?”

Because you should always be wearing a tux. Maybe a hat.

“I’m not wearing a hat. Listen, loser: I told you I was dropping the Grateful Dead story. It’s not worth the bullshit.”

You only saw, maybe, 2% of the bullshit. This place is like a bullshit iceberg: most of it’s under the waterline.

“Fine, fine, I’m done with the story. So why are you still bothering me?”

I wanna know what you heard about the Dead.

“Should I just e-mail you all my notes?”

Yes, absolutely. That would be so much easier.

“You’re not good at recognizing sarcasm, huh?”

In my defense, it doesn’t come through in print unless you’re real heavy-handed about it.

“Uh-huh. Where exactly am I?”

Ronan, are you familiar with the concept of semi-fictionality?

“Uh-huh. I’m calling my lawyer.”

HANDSOME MAN DIALING NOISE

“You’re on the phone with Michael Cohen.”

“What now?”

“This is Michael Cohen. I’m your lawyer now.”

“You are not. You are, like, the exact opposite of my lawyer in every possible way.”

“Ronan, as your attorney, I advise you to rent a very fast car with no top and flee the country.”

“Why would I do that?”

“All my other clients need to, so I just assumed skipping town would be the best plan for you, too.”

“Uh-huh. Hold a sec?”

“I got free time.”

“You got time. I don’t know about the ‘free’ part. Just hold.”

“Sure.”

…

“Hey!”

Moi?

“Can you at least explain the rules of this universe to me?”

I was hoping you knew. You’re much smarter than I am.

“What was it you wanted again?”

What did you dig up about the Dead?

“So many teenagers. Roy Moore only got banned from one mall. Billy got 86’ed from dozens. I mean, some of those were for mannequin-jousting, but most were for chasing sophomores around the food court.”

Yeah. It was a different time.

“That’s what they all say.”

They weren’t that bad.

“On several occasions, the Grateful Dead pulled their bus straight up to the local high school.”

They were probably there to mentor the youth.

“With their penises. The Grateful Dead mentored the youth with their penises.”

Whatever. Decent human beings don’t make good music.

“What about Dolly Parton?”

With the exception of Dolly Parton, decent human beings don’t make good music.

“This was fun, but I don’t like you and I’d like to be on my way.”

Sure. Hey, Ronan? Great work on the Kavanaugh article today.

“Thank you, but I was only one of the reporters on that story. Jane Mayer was my partner and deserves as much credit as I do.”

Well, if she wanted people to notice her, she should have been Dean Martin’s kid.

“I’m leaving.”

One for the road?

“Fuck you.”