Fun Facts Featuring The First Ladies

[R]emember the ladies, and be more generous and favorable to them than your ancestors. Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of the Husbands. Remember all Men would be tyrants if they could. If particular care and attention is not paid to the Ladies we are determined to foment a Rebellion, and will not hold ourselves bound by any Laws in which we have no voice, or Representation.

That was Abigail Adams in March of 1776. She wrote those lines in a letter to her husband, John, while he and the Founding Fellows were drafting the Declaration of Independence. Him and his drinking buddies ignored her, of course, but she tried. She was the first First Lady to live in the White House, and she hated the place. Most First Ladies did, but Abigail had good reason to: it was only half-done and understaffed; she had to hang the laundry in the East Room to dry.

Dolley Madison invented the role of First Lady as we know it, along with ice cream. She was living in the White House when the British (not the Canadians) burned the city down in 1814, and she saved the Lansdowne portrait of George Washington. You know the one: where he looks like he’s watching a dog taking a shit. Pursed lips and all. Dolley saved it! She could hear the troops outside. The carriage was waiting–this was a “time is of the essence” situation–but she wouldn’t hop in unless she brought George with her.

Angelica Van Buren wasn’t Martin Van Buren’s wife, but she acted as First Lady. Marty’s wife, Hannah, had died 17 years prior and he never remarried. Angelica was his daughter-in-law. She was 20 years old when she took up the post. What were you doing when you were 20? I couldn’t figure out how to put my dick in my pants when I was 20, but Angelica Van Buren ran the White House.

Abigail Fillmore gave the White House its first library. Did you know that? I didn’t. Until 1850, there was no library in the White House. You think that says something about America? Me, neither.

Harriet Lane was James Buchanan’s First Lady. She was his niece. Bucky was a Confirmed Bachelor, but there’s gotta be a First Lady, so Harriet took the job. Country loved her, too. She was a fashion icon, and the subject of popular songs, and the namesake of the first Presidential yacht. There’s still a Coast Guard cutter in service called the USS Harriet Lane. Buchanan is not remembered quite as fondly.

Mary Todd had a rough go of it. When you say your prayers tonight, throw one in for Mary Todd.

Lucy Hayes was the first First Lady with a college degree: she went to Wesleyan, just like John Perry Barlow. Unlike JPB, she was a staunch teetotaler and outspoken abolitionist. She was also, along with Rutherford, an advocate for civil rights and in fact argued for the advancement of African-Americans so consistently that someone left a black kid on their doorstep after they’d left the White House. An orphan in a basket. It was the old days, so they still had orphans in baskets. Not a ton of white porches you’d leave a black kid on back then.

Lucretia Garfield didn’t do too much, but her name was Lucretia and I think that’s groovy.

Ida McKinley had two daughters: Ida and Katie. Neither made it out of childhood, and it broke her.

Helen Taft was called Nellie, and none of those tourists who flock to DC every spring to watch the cherry blossoms bloom ever thank her; she had them planted. Nellie was also the first First Lady to own a car. It was a powder-blue Datsun 280Z that she called Mr. Fucktastic.

Edith Wilson was the President of the United States, kinda. Woodrow had a massive stroke in 1919, and she ran the country for the next three years. She had a desk outside the Oval Office, and you’d bring her legislation. She’d say, “Woody’s napping,” or whatever, and go into the Oval and come back out with a signature or a veto. Now, it’s not like she was fooling anyone, but there was no 25th Amendment at the time, so there was nothing anybody could do but, you know, pass the 25th Amendment so that next time this problem arose, there would be a solution. In that way, Edith Wilson left more of a direct mark on the American body politic than any other First Lady.

Lou Hoover spoke Mandarin, along with German, and all the Romance languages. Latin, too: she and Herbert translated a book on metallurgy, and their version is still in print. They translated a book on metallurgy because they were both geologists.

You know about Eleanor. I don’t need to tell you about Eleanor.

Jackie, too.

Lady Bird Johnson put up with Lyndon’s bullshit for 41 years, and if that doesn’t make her a saint, then there ain’t no such thing as saints.

Betty Ford went on teevee and said “I drink too fucking much, and I can’t stop myself from drinking too fucking much, and I wish I didn’t drink so fucking much, and I need some help,” and then she looked right in the camera and said, “I bet a whole bunch of you motherfuckers are just like me.” People didn’t do that at the time, especially respectable ladies. Drunks lived on street corners, not in the White House. But, you know, drunks live everywhere. She was a brave lady.

There were two First Ladies named Bush: Barbara and Laura, and both of those women promoted literacy.

Michelle Obama never took off her earrings and started slapping the shit out of fools, no matter how badly they deserved it. Just tried to get kids to eat vegetables, and oh the names she got called.

And then there’s this piece of shit: