Enthusiasts, I am proud to live in Florida, where our legislators are brave and Constitutional enough to protect our kids. Liberals hate your kids, and want to eat them, but I want to give your kids guns so they can shoot the liberals first. That is also a law in Florida, that you can just shoot anyone whenever you want.
But I fear the commission has not gone far enough. Yes, obviously teachers should be open-carrying at least one sidearm, preferably of a caliber higher than .38. I know all those Drama teachers are gonna want their .22’s, but let’s keep in mind that we’re doing this for the students. Man up for the kids. Furthermore, the custodial staff is well-suited to bear mortars or other large artillery; their rolling garbage cans are portable armories, essentially. We can also all agree that the lunch ladies should have access to air support. All of these ideas are common sense ones.
The measures that the commission prescribes are not drastic enough, and are sauce of the weakest dilution. Random strafing fire in the hallways will work for a while, and I believe that we should move ahead with the idea of building “Florida RoboCop.” As for the rest? Piffle.
I propose we end school shootings by eliminating the supply: we must kill the children ourselves, before the child with the gun does. With no one to murder, he will turn away from violence. And, if logic follows, he will have been killed along with the other kids. Also, think of the savings on education funding.
School shooters: let’s beat ’em at their own game!
If your penultimate paragraph doesn’t appear in the GOP platform in 2020, it’s only because their bylaws forbid the use of the word “logic.”