Hurricane Supply Checklist

WATER

• 6.35 drams per kilogram per person per fortnight, 4/5ths that if the person is abnormally short or just not thirsty.
• Gallon a day for asshole-cleaning.
• Gallon a day for pets, unless they are living cactuses.

ICE

• Stop.
• Preparate and listen.
• Irma’s back and she’ll mast up your mizzen.
• Word to your mother.

FOOD

• 14 years worth of canned food.
• At least a case of Magic Shell.
• Shitload of chutney.
• Ten boxes of dry cereal, but not Rice Krispies because no one needs that “Snap, crackle, and pop” bullshit when your roof’s caving in.
• Powdered soup.
• Milk dumplings.
• “Steak.”
• Sunflower seeds. (Minor league baseball teams only.)
• Long pig.
• Six (6) erotic cakes.
• Avocado toast, if you’re a wasteful Millennial.

SUPPLIES

• If at least two bedrooms in your home aren’t completely filled with D batteries, you’re gonna fucking die.
• Flashlight.
• Fleshlight.
• Candles. (Jesus candles are preferable.)
• Melee weaponry.
• Ranged weaponry.
• Solar-powered nightlight.
• Tarps, unless you are sheltering at a Phish concert.
• Duct tape.
• Duck tape.
• At least twelve (12) op-eds from regretful Trump voters.
• Fire extinguisher.
• Fire distinguisher. (“Yup, that’s a fire. Very easy to distinguish. The heat and the crackling noises give it away.”)
• Allen wrenches in case the hurricane drops an Ikea on you.
• Work gloves.
• Opera gloves.
• G. Love and Special Sauce.
• Rope.
• Soap.
• Dope.
• As much toilet paper as you think you’ll need, times two.