Johnny Depp Is Now Addressing Other Media Sources

“Ah! They’ve sent another writer. Come in. Join the conversation.”

Goddammit.

“Enter of your own free will, fellow passenger. C’mon, we’ll talk about old jazz musicians, and drink wine, and share underwear.”

How many skull rings are you wearing?

“At least three at all times. Even when completely nude, I am still wearing at least three skull rings. Would you care for a deliberately horrible joint?”

What now?

“The European thing with the hash and the tobacco.”

Oh, fuck off with that shit. Nobody likes that shit. That shit is the clove cigarettes of pot-smoking.

“I lived in France for many years. This is the far more cultured way to do things.”

It tastes yucky.

“Maybe a scarf would calm you down.”

Maybe.

“Take two; they’re gossamer.”

My God, your scarves are so sheer, Johnny Depp.

“Well, it’s important. I must have utterly see-through scarves. It’s about the character. That’s the thing about acting: you get out there, really bare yourself. It wears on you in odd ways. So I need my scarves to be right.”

What about your planes?

“I need all my planes, too.”

How many do you have?”

“Average. I have an average amount of planes.”

The average person has zero planes.

“What about median? In terms of medians, I have an appropriate number of planes. And probably fewer helicopters than I should. There’s a lot of capabilities my fleet is lacking. Like, if I wanted to haul five tons of Hollywood memorabilia, I would need to rent a cargo chopper.”

Sure.

“So, you know: I’m thinking about buying a cargo chopper. Oh, and maybe one of those MASH choppers. With the big glass cockpits? I must have one of those.”

Do you even know how to fly a helicopter?

“I play guitar; I’m pretty sure the skills are transferable.”

They are not.

“I’m going to the bathroom. Read nothing into that.”

MOVIE STAR USING THE BATHROOM SUSPICIOUSLY NOISE

“How is your scarf situation? I’m holding tight at two, plus three bandanas. You do need more bandanas. My apologies. I get overcome with the spirit of friendship and forget my manners. I’m Southern, y’know. Mother tried to kill me weekly. You need more wine and bandanas.”

Forget the wine and bandanas, Johnny Depp.

“Lemme buy you a dairy farm.”

No, thank you.

“They run themselves.”

Nope. Highly labor-intensive.

“What you need to know about this whole money thing is that I had no idea what was happening, but I do know that it was wrong. I’m a lot like, oh, what’s his name? Jimmy Star Wars? He had the magic sword? I’ve never actually seen a Star War, but that’s what this is like. I’m star warring. That’s me.”

What the fuck are you talking about?

“My struggle.”

Don’t call it that.

“I’ve been swindled! Thievery abounds! What these hounds did was to take advantage of my trust, and that’s sacred, man. Trust is a big thing with me.”

Uh-huh. Your advisors were definitely shady. And your family is preying on you. But you and you alone have done the vast majority of the damage.

“How so?”

Are you kidding me? 14 houses?

“I needed them.”

All of them?

“Have you seen them? They’re great houses. Japanese toilets in each one. I’ve been a nut about Japanese toilets for decades. You have one?”

No.

“I’m gonna send you a Japanese toilet.”

Please don’t.

“It’s a sensitive area, and must be treated right! Did you see Ed Wood?”

A classic.

“That was when I discovered the Japanese toilet. It comes through in the performance. The joy and the cheer. That was what fueled the man. You see what I did there? It’s art. That’s acting. That’s character creation. It requires possession of an island.”

It absolutely does not.

“Marlon Brando said it did.”

Marlon Brando was crazy before he was fat and crazy. He is not a man for anyone over the age of 18 to emulate; he’s a tragic figure, and especially in today’s vogue. He was the quintessential Hard-To-Work-With White Guy.

“What about the Oscar thing?”

Sending the Native American lady up to accept the award and read a speech was objectively awesome. I’m not talking about his politics. You don’t need an island.

“Let us share another wretched spliff. In the name of friendship.”

In the name of God, let’s just smoke the hash out of a pipe. Don’t you have any weed?

“I have everything. But I prefer to sit up all night smoking shitty doobies, drinking expensive wine, and watching old concerts on YouTube.”

A lot of people do that. There are worse ways to spend an evening.

“Right. But I do it on my 150-foot yacht.”

Dude, are you allergic to money? Is it a physical malady?

“The 130-footer was puny. It was just puny, man. I had to get the 150. She’s a real shiny machine. Makes a good time. I call her Vajoliroja. The name is a combination of my children’s names.”

My parents sent my brother and me to summer camp regularly.

“Yachting life is incredible. You can talk to other famous people, or ball chicks. Lots of balling on the yacht. I take the girls downstairs, and I stick my fingers right in them. They love it. Something about the waves drives them nuts. The ocean is the mother of arousal. I don’t know if you’re aware of that.”

I wasn’t.

“Either Baba Ram Dass or Ron Wood told me that. I can’t remember much. How many Pirates movies have I done?”

Five.

“Sweet God, that’s too many. Get my agents on the phone, and then sue them.”

You’re suing your agents, too?

“I’m suing everyone’s agents. This is a conspiracy. A Deep Hollywood, if you will.”

I will not.

“Collusion. They lurk, my friend. Outside the window of my creativity. They peck at my earnings and they steal the meat that I have brought home to my children.”

How many children do you have?

“300 million dollar’s worth?”

Dude, I restate my thesis: although you are indeed being sponged off of and skimmed from, you have caused the greater part of your crisis with your spending. You bought, like, half a mountainside.

“I did. It was awesome.”

Why?

“I needed it.”

You didn’t.

“Then I built an underground tunnel linking all the houses. There’s a lot more security up there then you’d notice at first glance. Real tough guys in the woods.”

Is that necessary?

“The situation demands it! The lawyers are sending spies around. Ice Station Depp-o has been infiltrated twice by saboteurs.”

Ice Station Depp-o?

“I own a high-tech scientific outpost in the Arctic. They’re doing incredible work up there. Alice Cooper’s been up, and he’s just blown away, man. Cutting edge science.”

Jesus.

“And a train.”

What?

“A train that’s fancy as fuck. Like in the old days. There’s the engine, and then the restaurant, and the bar, and the sleeping compartment, and the music studio/performance space, and then the gym/sauna, and then the caboose. And it’s just me and whoever and the staff, and we have the track all to ourselves? It’s like yachting, but on the tracks. Similar amounts of balling. That’s what the caboose is for. It’s the fuck-car. Are you familiar with fuck-cars?”

No.

“Before I tell you about them, please let me get you six to eight necklaces, several of which were gifts to me from Iggy Pop. Do you know Jim?”

I don’t. And I don’t need necklaces.

“The fuck-car originated with the Robber Barons who built the railroads. Before trips, they’d have the caboose stocked with fuck-girls. They called them fuck-girls because they were Robber Barons and not very creative. The Barons would eat and relax in the forward cars, and then come to the rear to celebrate capitalism. Over time, fewer and fewer fuck-girls were pitched out the back door of the caboose. It’s to the point where it is positively frowned upon now. That’s something that the #metoo crowd can claim for itself. Fuck-girls stay in the carriage until a stop.”

That’s terrible.

“As you might imagine, there were also fuck-boys. I put a few on the Chemisexe, just to spice things up. I like to entertain on there, and you want to be accommodating. It’s a wonderful voyage, man. You look out the window and see, like, trees. Or now a desert. And wow here are mountains! And something happens. Something happens inside. Where your art lives. And, like, you’re alive and you can go back to work and do wonderful things. And that couldn’t have happened if I didn’t own a personal pleasure railroad train. There’s wants and there’s needs, and that’s a need, man.”

It’s truly not.

“I’m going to go to the bathroom again, and I don’t want you to think it’s because I’m doing cocaine.”

Well, now I will even if I wasn’t going to.

UNREMARKABLE BATHROOM-GOING NOISE

“I’ve had an idea.”

Of course you have.

“I spend my way through this.”

Not your best idea.

“Double Down Depp!”

Not a plan. You need to make the income come in.

“Mortdecai 2  is in pre-production.”

That won’t do it.

“How the fuck long is this dialogue?”

Dude, I’m FASCINATED by you.

Understandable. Lemme buy you an apartment.

“Awesome.”