Hey, Billy. Happy birthday.

“Thoughts on my Ass! C’mere and blow out my candle!”

I don’t know about that.

“The candle’s my dick!”

Right. I got that. How’s your big day going?

“Aw, it’s been great. Got up early, watched the sun rise, then I went down to the IHOP and got myself a syrupjob.”

Is a syrupjob what I think it is?

“Exactly.”

Ew.

“You gotta shower afterwards, no matter how powerful the skank’s tongue work is. Strongest muscle in the body, but that boysenberry is sticky.”

Uh-huh. Then what?

“Stopped at the bakery on my way home.”

You picked up your own cake?

“Nah. Fuck cake. I had to see Eduardo.”

He works at the bakery?

“He doesn’t work anywhere now. I mean, he’ll dig for a while, but that tires you out.”

Billy, did you bury a baker alive?

“Yeah.”

Why?

“He knows what he did. Well, he knew what he did.”

You celebrate your birthday weird.

“It’s the Grateful Dead way.”

Is it?

“I don’t give a shit.”