Look Seaward, Angel

You cannot call Ivanka Trump a cunt.

You can point out that she’s a thoughtless fool, spartan in compassion and bereft of humanity, and that she’s probably sweet to waitress’ faces but then calls them “fat” when they leave the table, but you can’t call her a cunt.

You can observe that nothing exists for Ivanka Trump outside the radius of the tits her daddy bought her, and that she’d look exactly like Eric without all the rest of the plastic surgery, but you can’t call her a cunt.

You can bring up the fact that she’s voluntarily had Jared Kushner’s cock in her mouth, but you can’t call her a cunt.

You can liken her to a golem, but with a twist: real golems are humanoid creatures made of clay, hollow, and brought to life by a piece of paper reading Chai–“life”–but Ivanka-golem’s paper would say “Purchase” or “Ignore Suffering” or, most likely, “Nothing At All.” But you can’t call her a cunt.

You can do the math and figure that each Puerto Rican life lost during Hurrican Irma is worth Ivanka’s a thousand times over, and that we’ll never know precisely how many there were because her father doesn’t think Spanish-speaking people are human, and she never even tried to dissuade him of that belief because she had a ski weekend to attend and Instagram photos to edit, but you can’t call her a cunt.

You can say she doesn’t repeat the Jew jokes her father tells her back to her husband–you know that happens, don’t you?–and she certainly doesn’t let on that she laughs at every single one–“Oh, Daddy, don’t say that.”–but you can’t call her a cunt.

You can recall that national teevee shows, syndicated radio broadcasts and sitting U.S. fucking Senators publicly called teenaged Chelsea Clinton ugly, and that teenaged Chelsea Clinton wasn’t asked to fill in for her father at any international summits, and didn’t receive one single shady trademark approval from a foreign government, and didn’t have a husband whose security application had more errors than Baseball Day at St. Barbara’s School for the Blind, but you can’t call her a cunt.

You can note that Ivanka stood steadfast by her father while he started trade wars with our allies, sucked up to our enemies, banned all Muslims from the country, sold off the National Parks, tried to defund Planned Parenthood, pardoned criminals, sided with Nazis, colluded with the Russians, painted all Mexicans as drug dealers and criminals, cut taxes for the rich, attempted to sic the Post Office on his political enemies, obstructed justice, denied Climate Change, appointed morons to cabinet positions for the express purpose of destroying their departments, insulted the military, emboldened racists and dickheads of all stripe, and generally embarrassed the country at every turn, but you can’t call her a cunt.

You can realize that the best possible interpretation of her actions–the most charitable reading of her behavior these past two years–is not that she’s evil, but that she simply doesn’t give a fuck, but you can’t call her a cunt.

I’m just kidding. You can call her a cunt.