“Welcome back to the Radio Randy Show, listeners. We’ve got the one and only Bill Kreutzmann here with us. Hey, Bill.”
“Howdy, Randy. Just wanna say hi to everyone tuning in to the Dead Channel on SiriusXM.”
“Oh, we’re actually on JamOn.”
“You’re shitting me.”
“No.”
“Why don’t I just talk into my hat? Hell, I could talk into your ugly hat.”
“This isn’t about my hat, Billy.”
“You get a free bowl of soup with that?”
“Billy, let’s talk about Dead & Company.”
“First, I have many detailed questions about your ethnicity.”
“Such as?”
“You got a Chinafamily under that hat?”
“Inappropriate.”
“Fill in the blank: Make America _____ Again. Your options are ‘Great’ or ‘Mexico.'”
“Verging on insulting.”
“Answer this for me: were you a fan of ‘Ye last week or this week?”
“Can we move on?”
“Sure. Can you bring your dick a little bit closer?”
“How about a phone call?”
“Sure. Order me a pizza and an eight-ball.”
“Uh-huh. Caller, you’re on with Radio Randy and Bill Kreutzmann.
“THE KENTUCKY DERBY IS DEPRAVED AND DECADENT!”
“Hey, I know who that is! It’s that chick who looks like Bobby’s wife who’s always yelling about bullshit.”
“THIS IS LILIAN MONSTER AND I DEMAND ALL THE HORSES ARE RELEASED FROM SEA WORLD!”
“I don’t think there are any horses in Sea World, Lilian.”
“SEA HORSES!”
“Hey, honey? It’s Billy. Who’s that with you?”
“I DEMAND TO BE TOLD WHY YOU CAN SEE US!”
“Izzat Wonder Woman? Tell her I wanna feel her superboobies.”
“Um, hi. I am actually not Wonder–”
“You can keep that lasso of truth coiled up, sweetheart. Here’s the truth: I am engorged.”
“Who exactly am I talking to?”
“Jesus, what’s with that voice? You got a schwanz under that dress? Not a dealbreaker, but I’m gonna need some Schnapps.”
“Why am I being spoken to like this?”
“You don’t like the verbal stuff? Cool with me. Sit on my face and I’ll shut the fuck up.”
“Lilian, hang up the phone.”
“I STILL HAVE THINGS TO PROTEST!”
Rule One of interviewing: the interviewee does not hold the mic.