Meeting The Big Guy

Dude.

“Quit it.”

Dude. Bobby. Dude.

“I know where you’re going with this, and just stop it.”

Go for it, bro.

“It, uh, happens to be my wife’s–”

Natasha Monster’s.

“–birthday today, so if you could keep whatever you’re doing to yourself, I’d appreciate it.”

And the one next to you appreciates the Big Dick Energy.

“I’m not gonna ask you again to–”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“I gotta take this. Working on a new endorsement deal.”

Sandals?

“Among other things. None of your business.”

Gotcha.

…

“Weir here.”

“Now that’s the best way to answer the phone I’ve ever heard. Short, punchy, rhyming: that’s just everything.”

“I know this voice. Peter DeLuise?”

“Close. Very close. It’s actually Johnny Depp. Guess how many skulls I have on me right now.”

“Four.”

“Way more than that.”

“Five.”

“Sure, okay.”

“We, uh, do the skull thing, too. Skeletons running all over the place. What about turtles? You do turtles?”

“I like them, I guess.”

“Great animals, just super. Not even talking about ‘great for a reptile.’ Just an unqualified ‘yes’ from me. I, uh, empathize with ’em. I live in a tour bus, and so do they, kinda.”

“Turtles. Okay. I’ll look into buying several thousand. Bob, how are you fixed for bracelets and other assorted wrist spanglery? Let me hook you up.”

“I’m good.”

“Bandana?”

“Oh, no, then you wouldn’t have enough.”

“Courteous. They told me that about you, Bob. I feel like we’re already having a fruitful relationship. Speaking of which, can I buy you a vineyard?”

“I’d, uh, rather just have the wine.”

“Ah, another oenophile!”

“Oh, no. Listen, son, you seem like a great guy, but I’m not masturbating with you.”

“That’s not what oenophile means.”

“What does it mean?”

“Rich drunk.”

“Oh, then that’s a fitting description. Sure, yeah, I’m an eenie-pheenie.”

“Great, great. Anyway, Bob, here’s why I’m calling: I’d like to replace John Mayer in Dead & Company.”

“Who?”

“I think Billy calls him Josh.”

“Ah, him. Well, uh, how long does it take you to get dressed?”

“Couple hours.”

“Been coasting on your looks for a while?”

“Big time.”

“Ever do any ill-considered interviews?”

“I have, yes.”

“You’ll be a perfect fit.”

“Oh, goody.”