No Head, No Backstage Pass To Live Aid

Sting is making the “I can’t believe this motherfucker thinks we don’t know he’s high” face. I recognize this face; I’ve had multiple people make it regarding me. Sade is making the “I’m looking at Sting” face, which no one has ever made about me.

Also: What is going on with the belt area of the guy on the right? Is that a sash? It looks more sashian than beltific. And look at his shirt’s pocket placement! His clothes are all kinds of wrong. Thank God we can’t see his shoes.

Dylan is getting to second base with Madonna’s shoulder pad.

AND

Hey, Mick.

“Hewwo, you dweadful American. Oi’m at Wiiiiiive Aid.”

Where’s the rest of the band?

“Oi don’ know. They’re a millstone around me neck.”

You should be an actor.

“Oi just read this script called Freejack. I fink it’s gunna be a hit.”

Go with that instinct.

Live Aid was Teddy Pendergrass’ first public appearance since the car crash in 1982. Passenger walked away; he didn’t. Teddy went back to work after Live Aid: released five more albums, was nominated for three more Grammys, married two more women. Died in 2010.

How many hearts are you intending to break, Tom Petty? Because this is too many Heartbreakers.

OR

This is the horn-sectioniest horn section I’ve ever seen.

“Put him away, Freddie.”

“Never, my darling. Say hello to him.”

“I shan’t.”

“Give him a kiss.”

“Frederick, stop this.”

“Have you seen U2? I want me one.”

“I think they’re having a band prayer.”

“Oh, good. Bono will already be on his knees.”

CLEAR OUTLINE OF GLANS, and a belt that’s kicky and fun: Freddie Mercury, ladies and gentlemen.

And that’s Jim Hutton, who was Freddie’s last major boyfriend, and–I’m assuming–could be pressed into goon duty if the situation demanded it. Jim could beat your ass, and then Jim’s mustache could beat your ass.

“No, Roger. I won’t be giving the princess a…what did you call it?”

“A wet willy.”

“That. I won’t be doing that.”

“You know what it is, right?”

“Yes.”

“You get your finger all goopy with spit–”

“I said that I knew what it was.”

“–and JAM it in her ear. Real ‘ard.”

“You’re not a Cockney. Stop dropping your aitches.”

“I was trying out a thing.”

“I need everyone from Queen to stop being wankers.”

FUN FACT: Tony Thompson and Phil Collins were not the only non-Led Zeppelins to play with Led Zeppelin at Live Aid. The guy in the Auschwitz trousers is called Charlie Jones, and he took over on bass during Stairway, while John Paul Jones played the keyboards.

FAMILY FACT: Charlie Jones is Robert Plant’s son-in-law

FASHION FACT: No one can pull off paisley. Neither the cut of the garment nor the beauty of the wearer makes a difference.

“I’m just saying that there’s room in the van if you wanna hop in and take the nickel tour. It’s a Ford, and you won’t be in any danger.”

…

“I said that you won’t be in any danger. Won’t. So I don’t know why you’d think that you’d be driven out to the edge of town and desecrated.”

…

“WON’T be desecrated! It’s like you don’t understand basic English. Get in the van. It’s a Ford.”

Younger Enthusiasts, that is Margaret Thatcher, and she was the Prime Minister of the UK during the 1980’s. Maggie was England’s Ronald Reagan: she liked privatizing industries, and breaking up unions, and insisting that government was useless while being in charge of the government. If you had a job during her tenure, you made a lot of money. If you didn’t–and unemployment was sky-high the entire time she was in office–then you got fucked. To her credit, the woman hated her some Commies. She wasn’t all bad.

Still: Bob Geldof is Irish, and any Irishman that meets a British official has the duty to box their ears in. Bad form, Bootlicker Bob.