On Passover, we answer the Four Questions, but on Hanukkah, only one: Who was the most Jewish Grateful Dead (excluding Mickey)?

Let us immediately declare Bobby and Billy out of the running: these two men are astoundingly goyische. The double-n in “Kreutzmann” is a red flag to all Hebrews, and Bobby may as well be made out of bacon and milk. We can similarly exclude both Godchauxes, under the rubric of “Just look at ’em.”

TC was too smart for his own good, which is a rather Jewish way to be, but he was only in the band for ten minutes and Jews stick around forever. Garcia had a beard just like a rabbi, but also like Santa: that is ambiguous semitism. Phil wears glasses, wants most of his old friends to rot in hell, and  is now in the restaurant: pretty damn Jewish.

But the Jewiest Grateful Dead was Vince: no one ever quite accepted him, and he got blamed for shit that wasn’t entirely his fault.

QED.