“Look at all of this press, President Ninjitsu–”
“Niinistö.”
“–probably more press than there are people in Finland. Small country, but so beautiful. Part of a group. People don’t know this, but Finland is in Scandinavia. Like we have the Deep South, you got Alabama and Georgia, they got Scandinavia. Bunch of very beautiful, very cold countries. Vikings. It all comes back to Vikings. We have had such a perfect visit, maybe the greatest visit in the history of cooperation and friendship and you know, all that, between our two great, great countries.”
“Thank you, President Trump.”
“Beloved. This man here, Nagursky–”
“Niinistö.”
“–is a god back home. A god. The Finns, they crowd around him and his wife, who is a knockout. Real knockout. He’s not so great-looking, but the wife? Top-notch. Can’t compete with Melania, but that’s not fair because everyone knows that Melania was one of the top, top, top supermodels in the world. Both of our wives, very high-class women, not like Michelle Obama, who should be executed for treason.”
“What?”
“Okay, you talk now. Go.”
“Um, yes, well, we got the chance this morning to visit several of your incredible museums located along the Mall. Each was dedicated to the certain portion of your short, ferocious history, but they made a grand mosaic when viewed as a whole. I was struck by the fragility of what you call the American Experiment, but also by its worth. Your democracy is a chance worth taking. I pray that it continues.”
“Perfect. Just perfect. Diet Coke?”
“You weren’t listening at all, were you?”
“We can do a Fanta. Fanta?”
“I have a glass of water, Mr. President. That is all I require. Thank you for your interest.”
“Also, I want to give you my condolences on the horrible, horrible stabbing that took place at that college in Finland. That’s rough, nasty stuff. Probably an antifa. We have those over here, and they’re vicious and very bad. I’m probably going to be signing some Executive Orders making antifa illegal. That’s gonna be a win, a big win. I can make them illegal in Finland, too, if you want, President Nijinsky.”
“I’m not even going to correct you any more. Again, Mr. President: no, thank you. I do not want a soft drink, nor do I want you to do whatever the hell it was you just offered.”
“C’mon, pal, do me a favor. I’ll make antifa illegal in Finland, and you find me some dirt on Pocahontas’ husband.”
“You do realize we’re standing in front of a literal room full of reporters, right?”
“Very corrupt! Possibly the most corrupt people who aren’t Hillary Clinton in the entire world I believe in Finland you would call them ‘bad muchachos.”‘
“You shouldn’t believe that.”
“Okay, great, wonderful, let’s do a question. I’m gonna do a question. You. Next to the black guy. Not the black. I will be taking no black questions today.”
“Jesus.”
“You’re gonna be nice, okay? You’re gonna ask a question and you’re gonna be nice. Okay, go.”
“Thank you, Mr. President. The three House committees that are looking into the impeachment inquiry gave notice today that they will be sending a subpoena to the White House for documents and other materials. Will you cooperate with those subpoenas?”
“That is the worst question I’ve ever heard, very nasty and biased, and it shows what I’ve had to put up with that no other President in history has. This Adam Schiff is a bad guy, and probably a murderer. Rudy Giuliani has been looking into this. Rudy is looking, and he says that Adam Schiff has maybe killed a lot of hookers. Li’l Adam Schiff, that’s what I call him. Not ‘Little.’ Li’l. It’s spelled ell-aye-semicolon-ell. Li’l.”
“So, will you cooperate with the subpoenas?”
“He goes up the microphone and starts to read from the transcript, and everyone knew he had nothing. He had nothing. We sent to him the most beautiful transcript you’ve ever seen. Word-for-word, so many words, the greatest words you’ve ever seen. The words were perfect. So many people called me up to tell me that, but Li’l Adam just makes things up. He fabricated. Fab–
OK SIGN NOISE
“–ri–
OK SIGN NOISE
“–cated, because he’s a bad, corrupt guy. Any other country, he would have been executed for treason. For two years, he gives us the Collusion Delusion. That’s what I call it. Collusion Delusion. Huge likes on Twitter from that one, huge. Collusion Delusion, and now we have this Ukrainian nothing. Nothing! The phone call was so perfect, and the Ukrainian President agreed. He agreed very strongly, and I never said ‘Quid pro quo.’ They say I said it eight or nine times, but I never said ‘Quid pro quo.'”
“Does that mean you will cooperate with the subpoenas or not?”
“If they’re real subpoenas.”
“What does that mean?”
“Some are fake! Li’l Adam Schiff sends over many, many fake subpoenas. And Elijah Cummings from Baltimore, which is a hellhole, he sends over subpoenas that are fake and black. I have a nickname for Elijah, too.”
“What is it?”
“I’m not gonna tell you. But I have one. I have one. Next question. Fox News?”
“Thank you, sir.”
“Night is great. Hannity, Lou, the best shows in the world. Such good reporting. Your days are no good. Daytime is not great.”
“Yes, sir. I have a fair and balanced question: Do you think that Adam Schiff’s corruption is so vile that his family should be executed along with him?”
“Yes.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“Let’s do a Finn. I’m gonna do a Finn. Where’s a Finnish reporter? Not you. Not you. Definitely not you, I don’t even know how you got in here, not you. You, you look like a Finn. Ask a question.”
“Onko sinulla mitään sanottavaa kotona oleville ihmisille?”
“Auttakaa minua. En voi herätä tästä painajaisesta.”
“Se on selvää.”
“That was so great, so wonderful. You see, when countries come over here and don’t treat us like saps, then everything is so nice. So nice. Let’s have another Finnish question for President Nicodemus.”
“No, that’s fine. No more questions for me.”
“The last one was such a classy, beautiful exchange, I couldn’t believe my ears the things I was hearing, and I was very impressed by what I’ve done bringing our countries together. Have another question.”
“Really, it’s okay. Let’s get to the end of this.”
“One more. You, blondie. Ask your question.”
“President Niinistö, has President Trump asked you for any favors today?”
“Oh, God, why are you making this worse?”
“Let me take that, because it’s an unfair and unpleasant question, and the young woman who asked it should be ashamed of herself. Before me, 100 of our beloved veterans were being eaten by MS13 every day. Every day. These men, and sometimes even women, they fight for us and do such a beautiful job killing our enemies, and then they come back home to be eaten by illegal MS13’s. Obama let it happen, but not me. I put a stop to that. MS13, they say Hey, there’s a new sheriff in town. And they stopped eating our troops, stopped it cold. But I get no credit for that from the corrupt, lying media because you’re corrupt and you lie. President Ninnypants? Anything to add?”
“I want off this ride.”
“One more question. You. Is your name Stuey?”
“No, sir.”
“You look like a Stuey.”
“Thank you, sir. Mr. President, can you just make clear, right here: What do you or what did you want Ukrainian President Zelensky to do with regard to Joe and Hunter Biden?”
“Look at what he said, look at the beautiful, perfect transcript that I didn’t have to give out, and look at all the ambassadors and important people that we have here today, and they’ve all heard me say that we shouldn’t be suckers when it comes to Ukraine, which is probably the most corrupt nation in the entire world. You should hear Steven Segal talk about Ukraine. Very knowledgeable guy. Wouldn’t think so from all the kicking and punching, but you won’t meet a smarter man. Very smart. Ask him about Ukraine, and he’s got nothing good to say. Very corrupt.”
“Yes, sir. And what did you want President Zelensky to do about the Bidens?”
“Me?”
“Yes, sir?”
“You’re talking to me?”
“Yes.”
“General Kelly? General?”
“He’s not here, Mr. President.”
“General?”
“Why are you looking in the President of Finland’s trousers, sir? He’s obviously not there.”
“Tapa minut, Jumala. Tapa minut nyt.”
…
“General?”
“Mr. President, what did you ask President Zelensky to do about the Bidens?”
“Ask the President of Finland a question.”
“You haven’t answered my previous–”
“I gave you the most beautiful answer, very long, and you’re being the rudest person in the entire world to our guest. Ask him a question.”
“Okay. President Niinistö, today the WTO–
“Huge win for the United States. Been a long time since we won, but now we’re winning again. WTO is scared of me. Scared. Of. Me. And that’s a very good thing, because for years, the WTO has been screwing us. Screw. Ing. Us. But now it’s Trump time, and we’re winning so hard. So hard.”
CAR HORN NOISE
“That’s the kid with the KFC. In conclusion, CNN are all traitors to America, and the word-for-word was perfect.”
THICKHEADED PANT-LOAD LEAVING THE PRESS ROOM NOISE
…
CONFUSED FINN NOISE
“What was I just a part of?”
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