Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

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Modifications To The Definition of Racism, Summer 2019 Update

July 21, 2019 / / 3 Comments

NOT RACIST: Telling four sitting Congresswomen, 75% of whom are native-born, to “go back to there they came from.”
RACIST: Asking Israel to stop doing its little psychodrama Holocaust cosplay with the Palestinians.

NOT RACIST: Providing “studies” that “prove” black people are more violent than white people, even though everyone was talking about baseball or something.
RACIST: Remembering that slavery was a thing.

NOT RACIST: Pointing out the good stuff that Hitler did.
RACIST: Calling someone a Nazi just because they’re wearing swastika armbands while marching through town chanting about the Jews.*

NOT RACIST: Being a racist.
RACIST: Noticing a racist.

 

 

*And, you know: not good things. It would be odd if a large group of people marched through town chanting “THE JEWS’ BELIEF THAT EDUCATION IS THE BEDROCK OF ALL SUCCESS IS ONE THAT SHOULD BE MORE WIDELY ADOPTED” but I wouldn’t be dismayed by the display. But that’s not the kind of thing that people chant when they march through town with Jews on their minds.

The Highest Man In Colorado

July 19, 2019 / / 0 Comments

Hey, Bill Walton. Whatcha doing?

“Greetings and salutations, my lexiconical chum! I’m here in Colorado having the time of my life watching Dead & Company, and hanging out with the greatest fanbase in the world, the Deadheads. Great googly moogly, I wish everyone on earth could be here. Although if they were, tickets would be much harder to get.”

I’m sure you could get in.

“No doubt. I’ve become great friends with the band over the years, except for Jeff Chimenti.”

Why not Jeff?

“He knows what he did.”

You’re very easy to find in crowds, you know.

“It’s because of my length! I’m about a foot longer than most humans.”

Taller. You’re taller than most people.

“No, I measure myself by laying down and getting out the ol’ tape measure.”

Why?

“Coach Wooden said so.”

Sure.

Two Things…

July 19, 2019 / / 2 Comments

THING THE FIRST: This is Bill Hicks, and he’s dead now. People used to compare him to Sam Kinison, as they were both from Houston’s comedy scene and cursed a lot. It was, in retrospect, a facile comparison.

THING THE FIRST: If you wanna talk shit about David Lemieux in the Comment Section, it’ll cost you $100. There’s only one person here with Free Speech™,  and it’s me. I am, however, a money-grubber and a whore, so I can be bribed. Tickle the Donate Button to the tune of a hundo, and you can say whatever you want about DL (or anyone else I am fond of). Otherwise, to the Spam folder you go. A man’s gotta have principles.

This FaceApp Thing Is Out Of Hand

July 18, 2019 / / 2 Comments

“Who’s this jamoke?”

“This? He’s, uh, Top of the Pops. Tom of the Dell. Something in that neighborhood. He writes about us.”

“Seems squirrely. Want me to bop him?”

“No, no. He’s okay.”

“I got my knife. I could saw through his achilles tendon real easy.”

“Overkill. Parish, he’s fine.”

“I got my eye on him.”

“Why do you think I’m so relaxed?”

…

“Parish?”

“Yuh-huh?”

“What, uh, exactly is going on with you and that blonde guitarist who’s young enough to be your granddaughter?”

“Purely Platonic.”

“Ah.”

“In the sense that Plato was Greek, and so I meant we only do anal.”

“Ah.”

Questions IN RE: The Trailer For “Cats”

July 18, 2019 / / 0 Comments

  • Is God dead?
  • The New York Times said that God was dead, but I head from a guy that the Times was lying and failing, so what gives with God?
  • Or has He merely retracted His protections from us?
  • Holy shit, are we Collective Job?
  • Was Idris Elba ever actually cool, or was he just handsome and fooled us?
  • What, if anything, will Judi Dench and Ian McKellan not do for a paycheck?
  • Was there any doubt that Taylor Swift would be in this?
  • Does Jason Derulo shout “KITTY!” before all his numbers?
  • If those redneck slimeballs at the Trump rally were shouting “SEND HER BACK” about Rebel Wilson, would anyone have had a problem with it?
  • Can we send ICE after her?
  • And James Corden, too, please?
  • Don’t we have enough unfunny fatties that were born here?
  • We have to import unfunny fatties?
  • Jennifer Hudson is at an 8; can she bring it down to a 4?
  • Is T.S. Eliot screaming from the great beyond, “I WROTE OTHER POEMS, ASSHOLES!”?
  • Does the “T.S.” stand for Taylor Swift?
  • Honestly, what is this fuckery?

Content You Won’t Get Anywhere Else On The Internet

July 18, 2019 / / 7 Comments

TotD is now proud to present a new feature we call Phil Collins Awkwardly Drapes His Arm Around The Shoulders Of Someone Taller Than Him During Live Aid.

This is Phil with his then-wife, Jill, at the airport catching Concorde. The supersonic jet did not fly to Philadelphia, so Phil and Jill landed at JFK and took a helicopter the rest of the way. That was the raw power that was 1980’s Phil Collins, Younger Enthusiast. He couldn’t be stopped, and you couldn’t hope to contain him.

And this is him and Sting. This has been Phil Collins Awkwardly Drapes His Arm Around The Shoulders Of Someone Taller Than Him During Live Aid. Thank you for your patronage.

 

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