Diabetics needs insulin, and I need my Mott The Hoople records. Simple as that.
Thoughts On The Dead
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Page 23 of 1031
“Do yourself a favor and read this thread,” Mary Ann Mendoza, who is a member of the Trump campaign’s advisory board, tweeted to her more than 40,000 followers Tuesday morning.
Mendoza, an “angel mom,” was scheduled to speak Tuesday about her son’s 2014 death at the hands of a drunk driver who was in the country illegally. But a Republican source familiar with the programming said the speech had been cancelled amid uproar over her tweet.
Hours earlier, Mendoza had linked to a lengthy thread from a QAnon conspiracy theorist that laid out a fevered, anti-Semitic view of the world. In its telling, the Rothschilds—a famous Jewish banking family from Germany—created a plot to terrorize non-Jewish “goyim,” with purported details of their scheme that included plans to “make the goyim destroy each other” and “rob the goyim of their landed properties.” – The Daily Beast, 8/25/20
Do the Jews want to rob the goyim of their landed properties?
Some do. I’m sure there’s a crooked lawyer named Arnold Teitelbaum working his ass off to yoink some Episcopalian’s shit right now.
We should warn that Brother-In-Christ about the Semitic perfidy!
He’s hypothetical. You’re not gonna be a dick again, are you? I’m giving you another chance.
I appreciate it, man. I got kids to feed.
Sure.
They’re not my kids. I just like feeding them.
Strange.
Back to the landed properties of the goyim: Why wouldn’t the Jews want to steal them? Nothing’s more valuable than landed properties.
Lots of things of more valuable. Little bit of gold is worth as much as a plot of land.
So you’re saying that the Jews also want to steal the goyim gold?
No.
That’s what I heard.
And that’s the problem. Lot of people lately are hearing a lot of bullshit that no one’s saying.
Yes or no: The Jews hold the patent on firetrucks, and won’t build your town one unless you pay the Matzoh Tax.
No. And there’s no “The Jews.” We are a scrappy and argumentative people. Terrible at collaborating.
What about the Matzoh Tax?
Not a thing.
I have sent away for multiple screeds and jeremiads that say different.
I’m right; they’re wrong.
You cannot deny the call of landed property, though.
I can.
IT CALLS TO THE JEW.
This is the shit I don’t like. Halfway through the post, you turn twattish.
You’re just saying that because you covet my landed property.
What landed property?
I have a time-share in Jupiter.
Ew. I don’t want that.
It’s better than a hotel! It pays for itself!
Yeah, but it’s Jupiter. Nothing but goyim up there.
A-HA!
Shouldn’t have said that.
You’re like Joe Biden: You wanna punch God in the face.
I don’t.
Don’t you?
Who can say He doesn’t deserve it?
You stay away from my time-share.
Maybe.
- Kimberly Guilfoyle just chewed through an electrical conduit…and she’s fine. Yeah, I know it should’ve killed her. But she’s fine. Stronger, maybe.
- I need that graphic of Joe Biden eating a child now.
- Shit, that couple from St. Louis just saw Tim Scott and started waving their pistols around.
- Due to Cease & Desist orders, our music selection is limited to Kid Rock or…Kid Rock’s later albums.
- No, we can’t change the location of the Convention to Mar-a-lago, Eric. Why not? Because it’s Night Two already.
- I don’t care if the conditions of his bail permit it, Steve Bannon does not get a speaking slot.
- Do you smell ozone?
- We need a CD copy of AC/DC’s Back in Black to Don Jr’s dressing room, please.
- Legal has a problem with the graphic of Joe Biden eating children. No, I don’t think it matters what race the child is; it’s the whole concept they don’t like.
- Jon Voight won’t stop slapping everyone who’s not in the Trump family.
- Okay, I don’t know who put on Tomorrow Belongs To Me, but it’s not funny. Let’s be professional, people.
- Legal also says we’re not allowed to put a tattoo on Biden’s face that reads “I H8 WHITES.”
- We’re not executing any MS13 members. Was that ever part of the plan? Really?
- The guy who was doing the camerawork for the Boaters 4 Trump regatta dropped his phone in the Intercoastal, and we’re gonna have to punt on that one.
- Where did all these drug dealers come from? It looks like a Disco Biscuits show in here.
- Well, run down to McDonald’s and get more Filet-O-Fishes, then.
- Riiiiight. “Tiffany” Trump. A likely story. The President only has one daughter, and her name is Ivanka. Get out of here before I call the cops.
- We can’t set the zoo on fire. I don’t care if President Trump wants to hear what that sounds like. It’s just not happening.
- You dosed Nikki Haley? I dosed Nikki Haley. Jesus, how many people dosed Nikki Haley? We should check on her.
- Legal also says that the President cannot openly call for the murder of his enemies, especially by name. They were real serious about it, too.
Trying times, Enthusiasts. My word, these times are trying as hard as they can. Some times half-ass it, but not the current batch: These times are effortful! Ben Franklin would have aphorized “Early to bed, early to etc.” about these here times, and then ask for an well-worn prostitute. And uncertain! Don’t forget uncertain. Are the times more uncertain than trying? That’s for more-learned men and women to ponder. All I know is that the times are so uncertain that, often, I am unsure whether they are still times at all. Maybe the times are places! Or concepts! It’s all rather stymying.
What we do know is that shaking hands has been sent to the Problem Attic. Shake a hand? In 2020? Might as well just spit in your new acquaintance’s mouth. Will this end the almost 700-year reign of the manual manipulation? Maybe! Are there any synonyms for “handshake,” or do I have to resort to clunky phrases like “manual manipulation?” No/yes! Who invented shaking hands, anyway? Read the next paragraph!
Handshaking was invented in 1321 by an English duke named Albert of Scrumpy-On-Fox, also known as Creepy Al. He had a hand thing. He also had a large group of violent, hairy men whom he would send to your house if you refused to shake his hand, so the ritual caught on. Since then, several handshake variations have been invented: the soul brother routine, the half-hug, and whatever the fuck that back-and-forth bullshit that Basketball Head does is.
Regardless of species, the entire genus is now suspect. The simple and culturally-ingrained act of clasping hands upon meeting–or completing the sale of a used Dodge–is now verboten (if you’re in Germany) and forbidden (here).
But we need something. Some sort of standardized greeting must be deployed. You can’t just walk up to someone and start in with your nonsense; that’s called chaos. Even animals don’t do that. They sniff each others’ asses at the beginning of a conversation. We can’t let the animals be more civilized than us; we need a ritual.
These are my suggestions:
SNIFFING EACH OTHERS’ ASSES What are you, better than a moose? No, you’re not. You don’t even have antlers. Non-antler-having motherfucker.
ASIAN-STYLE BOWING This is the gold standard. No germinal exchange, plus you get to pretend you’re Bruce Lee if you do the hand thing with it. Full support for the introduction of the bow into Western society. (WARNING: I will only back this policy if it’s egalitarian. None of that “party of lower status bows lower and longer” bullshit. That kind of crap will start bar fights over here.)
ELBOW BUMP I guess if no one can come up with a better idea, then we can go with the elbow bump. It’s a less-than-satisfying greeting, though, and there’s no way to look cool while you’re doing it, even if you’re really cool. Imagine Brad Pitt elbow bumping Idris Elba. Still looks doofy, right?
ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE JAW First of all, you would dislocate your hip trying to roundhouse kick any average-sized person’s jaw; second, why the fuck would you do that at all? Are you a psycho?
SAYING,” HEY, LOOK OVER THERE,” AND WHEN THE PERSON IS DISTRACTED, STEALING THEIR WALLET That’s fucking anti-social, man. Why can’t you get through one post without being a wafflehead?
SUCK ON MY SWINGERS, CANCER BOY THAT SHIT. THAT SHIT RIGHT THERE IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.
EAT IT, DEATH-BREATH FUUUUUUUUCK YOU.
Guys.
You heard him. You heard what he said.
Why do you keep hiring him?
He works cheap.
You get what you pay for.
Very true.
VIRTUAL GAVEL NOISE!
“Okay, I call this hearing of the House Oversight Committee to order. Most of us are here via Zoom today, so I have to ask everyone to remember to mute their mics when they’re not speaking. Let’s not have a repeat of what happened at the weekly meeting.”
“Screw you, Chairwoman Maloney!”
“Settle down, Jordan.”
“I won’t be bullied! I won’t be accused of falsehoods and non-factorials!”
“We all heard you yelling at your kids. I’ll never forget it, quite frankly.”
“WE WERE REHEARSING A PLAY!”
“No one believes that. I’m moving forward. The Oversight Committee assembles today to question Mr. Louis DeJoy, Postmaster General of the United States. There have, recently, been troubling changes within the Postal Service leading to slowdowns in mail delivery. With the election coming up, and so many Americans voting via the mail, Congress has a clear interest in getting to the bottom of the problem. Thank you for joining us, Mr. DeJoy.”
“Thank you for having me, Chairwoman Maloney. I look forward to a frank and open exchange of views.”
“Oh, goody. The Chair recognizes Katie Porter.”
“Thank you, Madame Chairwoman. Mr. DeJoy, how much is a stamp?”
“You’re not even gonna say ‘Hi?'”
“Answer the question, please.”
“Very rude, young lady.”
“Mr. DeJoy, how much is a stamp?”
“I know how much a car costs. Ask me how much a car costs.”
“Do you know or not?”
“How do you quantify ‘knowing?’ It’s a riddle for the ages.”
“Last chance, sir. How much is a stamp?”
“Whatever the market will bear?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Basic economic theory sides with me, Congresslady.”
“Congressperson. Or Congresswoman.”
“Really? I had always heard ‘Congressady.’ It rolls off the tongue.”
“Mr. DeJoy, are you taking these hearings seriously?”
“Yeah, sure, of course.”
“There are also reports of massive slowdowns in mail service. It’s taking longer and longer for Americans to get and receive mail.”
“Yes. True. I blame the trucks.”
“What now?”
“The trucks. Have you seen them? They’re not aerodynamic, like, at all. Impossible to go fast in them. You bought us some Corvettes, we could get everybody their bills and pills a lot quicker.”
“The trucks are not the problem, sir.”
“They’re not the solution, either. The fire department gets cool trucks. Why can’t we have some?”
“Mr. DeJoy.”
“Shit, the cops have tanks.”
“Mr. DeJoy.”
“Buy us some tanks and I’ll fix the Post Office.”
…
“That is, quite simply, the least ethical, moral, or legal statement I have ever heard another human being utter.”
“Can’t blame a guy for trying.”
OLD-SCHOOL “SHOCKER” GIF POPPING UP ON EVERYONE’S SCREENS NOISE
“Who the hell did that?”
“I did, Madam Chair! Jimmy Jordan hacked democracy!”
“Knock it off!”
“Noob.”
“Shut up. It’s your turn to ask questions.”
“Yeah, I’m gonna ask ’em good. General DeJoy, good morning. Do I salute you?”
“I’m not a general general.”
“Do you outrank the Surgeon General?”
“Dunno.”
“Could you take him?”
“Physically?”
“Bingo.”
“Dunno. He’s a pretty big guy.”
“Man’s a heavyweight. Probably the most powerful Surgeon General we’ve ever had. C. Everett Koop wouldn’t have stood a chance against him.”
“Nosireebob.”
“Gosh, I like you. Generalissimo DeJoy, what kind of people mail stuff?”
“Mongrels, and those unworthy of love. The impure by birth. Suffragettes and rabble-rousers. Low people.”
“Yuck.”
“Yeah. Yuck people. And why deal with them? Shutting down the Post Office is a favor to those types. What’s in their mailboxes? Opiates and pamphlets about Bolshevism. They’ll thank us.”
“They will! They’ll thank us!”
“Yay!”
“Yay!”
“YAY!”
“YAAAAAAAY!”
VIRTUAL GAVEL NOISE!
“Cut it out! Stop it! Mr. Jordan, your time is up.”
“Your butt is up.”
“Nice, real nice. The Chair now recognizes–”
LIGHTING RIG DESCENDING NOISE
“–from New York’s Fightin’ 14th…the Bronx Brawler–”
SOCIALLY-DISTANCED FIREWORKS ERUPTING NOISE
“–the Queen of Queens…we have no choice but to stan…Alexandria Ocasio-COOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRteeeeeeezzzzzz!”
ELVIS’ THEME MUSIC PLAYING NOISE
“Thank you, Madam Chairwoman. Thank you very much. Mr. DeJoy, I have several questions.”
“Huh. That’s not gonna work for me. I’ve only got two answers, and one of them is ‘Dunno.'”
“Mr. DeJoy, we have heard disturbing reports of mail-sorting machines being removed from postal facilities, adversely affecting delivery time. Is this true?”
“Sure. You remove a sorting machine, everything takes longer. True as hell.”
“What I’m asking about is whether you have removed the machines.”
“Me? No. Those things are heavy, and I’m rich. I don’t lift stuff like that.”
“Did you give the order to do it?”
“Ohhhhh. I thought you meant, like, did I get a handtruck and wheel the machines out to the dumpster.”
“No.”
“Makes a lot more sense. That wouldn’t be an efficient use of the boss’ time.”
“Sir, did you order the removal of the sorting machines?”
“Yes. But I had very good reasons.”
“Such as?”
“Some mail-sorting machines–and this came as a shock to me, too–are haunted. Full of boojums and gobbledyhogs. You get more than one of those in a location and you’re looking at a full-out poltergeist situation. They will team up on you!”
“None of that is true.”
“Some are commies.”
“I’m sorry, did you just accuse mail-sorting machines of subscribing to a political philosophy?”
“I have a list! I have a list of mail-sorting machines with Communist sympathies!”
“May we see it?”
“I don’t have it on me.”
“Why were the machines removed, sir?”
“We didn’t ‘remove’ them. We took them outside. Imagine a a cocker spaniel spent its entire life inside a cramped government building. You’d want that cocker spaniel to go outside, wouldn’t you?”
“Not a great analogy.”
“I disagree. Best analogy ever.”
“Disgustedly, I yield my time.”
VIRTUAL GAVEL NOISE!
A majority of Republicans said that the number of coronavirus deaths in the U.S. — now topping 176,000, according to data from Johns Hopkins University — is “acceptable,” according to a poll released Sunday.
A CBS News-YouGov poll determined that 57 percent of Republican respondents said the U.S. death toll for COVID-19 was “acceptable,” while 43 percent said it was “unacceptable.” Republicans were the only partisan group of which a majority of voters said the number of deaths was acceptable. – The Hill, 8/23/20
- Involuntary trepanation for the emotionally-feeble.
- Every time you open a closet, there’s a 1-in-10 chance of there being a Babadook inside.
- All socks are permanently slightly damp.
- Everything gets a Director’s Cut by Zack Snyder: movies, teevee shows, relationships, the Constitution, the rules to sports, etc.
- Stop signs replaced by rabid pumas.
- Semi-tested Russian ronus vaccines.
- Doing coke in a bathroom with no lock on the door.
- Hunting, killing, and consuming Neil Diamond.
- Greasy thumbprint right in the middle of the left lens of your eyeglasses, and you can never wipe it off for as long as you live.
- Everyone’s middle name changed to “Dorkus.”
- Twitter no longer an app, now just millions of randos shouting their dumbfuck opinions straight into your ear.
“Johnny Boy!”
“Look out, look out: The Andy Man!”
“How’s my guy?”
“Goodish. Verging on good.”
“Aw, what’s the matter? It’s not your hair. Your hair looks great.”
“I know. I mean, thank you. But I know my hair looks great. It’s not my hair.”
“Is it that you can’t grow a beard?”
“I have facial hair.”
“Facial hair is not a beard. Beards cover your cheeks.”
“Andy, we’ve talked about this.”
“See what I have on my face? This is a beard. You’re rocking, like, a partial Van Dyke.”
“Can we talk about something other than my beard?”
“We can’t talk about what doesn’t exist.”
“Let’s change the subject.”
“Absolutely. Which set of Real Housewives do you wanna talk about?”
“I don’t really watch any of those shows.”
…
…
…
“How do you think that makes me feel?”
“Oh, Andy, don’t do that.”
“I work so hard getting those housewives to be real, and you just ignore all of it.”
“It’s just that I’m busy.”
“Busy doing what? Clearly you’re not busy shaving.”
“Hey!”
“You hurt me, I hurt you.”
“This is not why I came on this–”
SHWIZZZZZZZZZZLETHROOP!
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
“Jimmy Legs!”
“Hello, Mr. Brown. How do you keep finding me?”
“I am radariferous!”
“Wha?”
“Lumpy eggs!”
“Yes, yes. Lumpy eggs. What about the lump–”
“LUMPY EGGS!”
“I hate this universe.”
FADE IN: But NOT TOO MUCH because it’s Gotham City and so everything’s gotta be dark. The characters, the themes, and the cinematography. Maybe there’s some TORTURE happening? This seems like one of those movies where TORTURE plays a cheerful role. Let’s say there’s TORTURE.
TORTURER
I’m gonna shove your eardrums up
your butt.
TORTUREE
Must you?
TORTURER
Yes.
TORTUREE
Drat.
CUT TO: A CRIME SCENE IN A MANSION.
COPS do cop stuff. COMMISSIONER GORDON (played by THE GHOST OF PAUL SEYMOUR HOFFMAN) wears a trenchcoat with a sense of purpose. A YOUNG COP walks up to GORDON.
YOUNG COP
Maybe we can handle this one
ourselves, Commissioner.
GORDON
Nope.
YOUNG COP
Our detectives are top-notch, Commish.
And this is not a Batman-level crime. It’s a guy
with a knife sticking out of his face.
GORDON
Thanks for reminding me. Don’t let anyone
touch that knife ’til Batman gets here. I like to let
him fondle all the evidence before a legal chain
of command is established.
YOUNG COP
Sir, the perpetrator left his wallet. We have his
driver’s license. We could just–
BATMAN (played by ANSEL ELGORT) just kinda moseys up.
BATMAN
Knife in the face, huh?
YOUNG COP
You just walk into rooms full of people now?
What happened to clandestine meetings on
rooftops?
BATMAN
Rooftops? ROOFTOPS?
Batman GRABS one of the COPS and BEATS HIM ALMOST FULLY TO DEATH.
GORDON
Aw, y’shouldn’t have said “rooftops.”
YOUNG COP
What the FUCK?
BATMAN
ROOFTOPS!? ROOFTOPS!?
GORDON
He’s been through some rooftop-related
trauma. You can’t blame the boy. Come here,
buddy. It’s okay.
Commissioner Gordon and Batman HUG THERAPEUTICALLY.
BATMAN
He said “rooftops.”
GORDON
He didn’t mean it.
BATMAN
Sorry about the cop.
GORDON
Oh, don’t worry about him. It’s
Gotham. Cops die here a lot.
YOUNG COP
I cannot believe this is okay.
BATMAN
I wanna go punch a clown.
GORDON
What a good idea! You go punch a clown.
But, hey! Not just any clown! Remember
what happened last time?
BATMAN
I ruined that child’s birthday.
GORDON
Honest mistake. But let’s avoid making
it again going forward.
BATMAN
Are you my dad?
GORDON
No, I’m not.
Batman PUNCHES A HOLE IN THE DRYWALL and stomps off.
GORDON
Where would we be without him?
YOUNG COP
Better off. We’d be better off. The man’s
presence makes all situations worse.
GORDON
He’s gonna go punch a clown to teach the
city a lesson.
YOUNG COP
That’s it. I’m transferring to Metropolis.
CUT TO:
The STREETS OF GOTHAM which, despite a new director being in charge, still look EXACTLY LIKE THE STREETS OF CHICAGO. Batman is DRIVING his ROCKET-POWERED TANK-CAR up on the SIDEWALKS and THROUGH THE HOMES OF INNOCENTS.
CUT TO:
Another LOCATION BATHED IN PITCH DARKNESS. We can maybe if we squint make out a BAD GUY (played by BEN MENDELSOHN).
BAD GUY
You’ll never defeat my overly-elaborate, mostly-
symbolic schemes, Batman.
BATMAN
Give me a clue.
BAD GUY
What now?
BATMAN
A clue. It’s only fair.
BAD GUY
Fair? I don’t play fair. I’m a super-villain.
BATMAN
C’moooooooon.
BAD GUY
Absolutely not!
BATMAN
Li’l hint. C’mon. Li’l hint.
BAD GUY
You’re a terrible detective.
BATMAN
Tell ya what: I’ll try to guess your plan,
and you tell me if I’m hot or cold.
BAD GUY
I’m leaving.
The Bad Guy LEAVES. Batman PUNCHES THE DRYWALL.
CUT TO:
Seems about time for a CAR CHASE, I suppose. Maybe some HELICOPTER STUFF.
CUT TO:
A BUNCH OF CLOWNS for some reason.
Batman BEATS ONE OF THEM HALF TO DEATH.
BATMAN
Wait. Are you guys birthday clowns or
murder clowns?
CLOWNS
Murder.
BATMAN
Oh, good.
Batman BEATS THE CLOWN THE REST OF THE WAY TO DEATH.
CUT TO:
CATWOMAN (played by ZAZIE BEATZ’ AFRO) is maybe robbing an ART MUSEUM, but it’s tough to tell because everything’s so fucking dark.
BATMAN
Stop doing crime so we can date.
CATWOMAN
No, I like crime better than you.
BATMAN
But I’m VENGEANCE!
CATWOMAN
What does that even mean?
BATMAN
I personify the spirit–
CATWOMAN
I mean, you sound like a goofy goofball
when you say shit like that. That’s why Poison Ivy
ghosted you.
BATMAN
–of veng…I GHOSTED HER.
CATWOMAN
Not what I heard.
BATMAN
It was a mutual ghosting!
Batman starts CRYING and PUNCHING SO MUCH FUCKING DRYWALL.
CATWOMAN
Please stop that.
BATMAN
If I reveal my secret identity to you, will
you touch it?
CATWOMAN
No.
BATMAN
Touch it. I’m rich.
CATWOMAN
Get away from me, Bruce.
BATMAN
HOW DID YOU KNOW!?
CATWOMAN
Oh, everyone knows. Who else could you be?
FADE OUT: Or maybe the screen just remains dark.
POST-CREDIT SCENE: Batman BEATS SEVERAL MORE CLOWNS TO DEATH.
- Clampdownhill From Here.
- Let It Rock The Casbah.
- It Takes A Lot To Laugh, It Takes A Train In Vain To Cry. (Hidden Track.)
- Lost Sailor In The Supermarket.
- Spanish Jam (Feat. Bombs).
- He’s In Love With A Casey Jones World.
- White Man In Brokedown Palais.
- The Magnificent Eleven.
- Mister Charlie Don’t Surf.
- My Love Is Bigger Than A Brand-New Cadillac.
- I’m So Bored With The U.S. Blues.
- Row, Jimmy Jazz.
- Go On Home, Your London’s Calling You.
Go watch a bunch of Joe Strummer covers.
Or just watch Bobby back up Jesse Malin on a deeply Sincere Acoustic Cover of Death Or Glory.
*You don’t have the balls to write a line like that, ya skirtling.
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