A mask in public? Oh, no. Not for us, thank you. Japan can keep that bullshit. We’ll take their food and movies and gadgets, but they can have “walking down the street in a surgeon’s mask.” It’s rude, and unfriendly. Americans wanna see each others’ mouth-holes, dammit; it’s a lip-based republic.

But the heebie-jeebies have snuck into town, and so now the CDC is recommending that we all wear masks when we leave our iso-chambers. For those confused about the protocols and floating trivialities of public mask-wearing, TotD now offers these tips:

DO NOT WEAR A FULL-HEAD WEREWOLF MASK It will not protect you from the coronavirus, and it will scare children. A full-head werewolf mask also severely limits your peripheral vision, and you need that to maintain your Personal Health Radius

OR A DARTH VADER HELMET Similar reasons to the werewolf mask. Plus, if you wear a Darth Vader helmet to the supermarket, some half-drunk Gen X mom will use an Italian bread like a light saber and start whacking you about the head and shoulders. Everybody’s squirrelly right now; don’t go around agitating people.

OR A JASON MASK Let’s just have a blanket statement: Don’t wear a mask from the Halloween store.

REUSE, RECYCLE A basic surgical mask can be reworn 8.3 times. An N95-type mask can be used twice; upon the third donning, the mask explodes and destroys the wearer’s jaw. (The manufacturers call this feature “enforced planned obsolescence.”)

MASKS ARE PROLE SCHMATAS Somewhere, probably in Brooklyn or Los Angeles, a guy is ordering a mask off the internet. It is red, and has the Supreme logo on it, and costs $400. Fuck that guy.

A TURTLENECK PULLED WAY UP IS NOT A MASK Who are you, Bazooka Joe? Cut the shit.

TONGUE FU You ain’t gettin’ away with nothin’ ‘hind that mask, Johnny Earl. I see that floppy slug slippin’ out. I c’n see it pulsating and probing behind the Confederate bandana you usin’ as a China virus mask. Don’t you waggle that mouth-dick at me!

Heeeeeeey, buddy. Ran out of mask jokes?

Yeah.

And you didn’t wanna just end the post with dignity?

No.

You succeeded.

Yay.

• Three, maybe four bagels.
• Bowl of Lucky Charms.
• Remainder of the Lucky Charms pawed from the box like an animal.
• At least two sleeves of Ritz Crackers.
• One-three slices of pizza. (Somewhere in there.)
• So much rice that a Chinese dude was like, “Bro, that’s too much rice,” and I was like, “You’re in no position to have an opinion on other people’s diets right now, Chinese dude.”
• If those little cups of Jello Pudding are carbs, then they are on this list.
• Half-grown barley yanked from the ground and not even washed.
• Another bagel.

Day-drinking has become sadly maligned in recent years, what with the advent of potable water and the ubiquity of heavy machinery, but for most of human history the practice was not just accepted but recommended. Life was tough! Women would have ten or twelve babies a year, and all of them would be eaten by (non-Exotic) tigers. Men worked at the mill until they died at the age of 35, and then were immediately ground up to make patent medicines. Even teenagers had it rough, as planetariums had not yet been invented, and so there were no Pink Floyd lazer shows to attend.

What to do? Get swozzled at noon!

With the outbreak of the coronavirus, you–the hard-working, God-fearing, toe-shrimping American–has more reason than ever to pick up a bottle at dawn. What are you gonna do: Face this shit sober? I don’t think so. Always remember what Franklin Roosevelt said after Pearl Harbor: The only thing we have to fear is tomorrow’s hangover; now who’s up for some fuckin’ shots? 

However, if you’re just venturing into the wild world of sunshine sloppiness, then there are some vital rules to remember:

MORNINGS ARE FOR MIXED DRINKS Just because you’ll most likely die drowning in your own lungs’ effluvia, that’s no reason to not get your nutrients in. Screwdrivers have orange juice! Bloody Marys have a stalk of celery! Shit, there’s even milk in a White Russian! Take care of your health, Enthusiasts, al least until noon or so when you say Fuck it and start taking pulls of Bacardi 151 straight from the bottle.

IGNORE THE VICTORIANS All our food-and-clothing rules come to us straight from the Victorians, who were the most uptight, snobbish fuckwits that ever stalked, surveyed, conquered, and taxed the planet. Remember that whole “forcing the Chinese to become opium addicts” brouhaha? Is that who you want to emulate? No, of course not, so why would you listen to their proscriptions about booze? White wine doesn’t just go with chicken and fish. White wine goes with life! Red wine isn’t just to be paired with steak, but also parenting or cooking another fucking loaf of sourdough that for some reason you feel the need to share with the world on social media.

STOP IT WITH THE FUCKING SOURDOUGH I’ll cram the next crusty loaf of San Francisco carbohydrates I see up your ass. Fuck off with your bread. You people are a yeast infection.

STILL NOT COOL TO DRIVE Yes, the roads are empty, and yes it would be fun to careen through the middle of town with your load on, taking out mailboxes and stop signs and hucking empties out the window, but no you shouldn’t.

YOUR FREEZER IS YOUR WALLET’S FRIEND If you serve it cold enough, then even the cheapest alcohol tastes good. Box wine at room temp? Blech. Box wine from the fridge? Bravo!

A TIME FOR HEROES Y’know who started taking pops the moment he woke up? Churchill. Y’know who doesn’t drink at all? Trump. Ipso blotto.

TRY NOT TO SHIT YOURSELF I’m not saying don’t shit yourself. You’re gonna shit yourself. I’m just saying that you should try not to.

TAM BO LI DE SAY DE MOI YA Heeeeeyyyy! Jambo, jambo!

BIG FAT LETTERS Little skinny letters.

ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH. You’ve lost interest in the premise and now you’re just pointlessly surreal.

I’m just too worried to think straight.

The corona, huh?

No, I’m worried about what’s going on on the Comfort. That situation is sure to have escalated.

You’re your own biggest fan.

I have no choice but to stan.