
Hey, Garcia. Whatcha doing?
“Wearing a silly hat!”
You seem so happy.
“Look how silly it is!”
It is silly.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Hey, Garcia. Whatcha doing?
“Wearing a silly hat!”
You seem so happy.
“Look how silly it is!”
It is silly.
“Jer, would you say that we–you know, as a group–enjoy a party?”
“It’s a party every day around here, Bob.”
“Every day?”
“Well: some days more than others, right?”
“Sure, sure. And, uh, Jer: we play for a pretty long time, huh?”
“What?”
“Like: we rock and roll, you know, all night?”
“Yeah, I guess. What’s going on, man?”

“Bobert Herbert Walker Weir, you take that shit off your face.”
“Aww! C’mon, Garcia!”
“Right now, mister.”
“Mumblemumblemumble.”
“What was that?”
“Nothing.”
“That’s right, nothing. Take it off.”
…
“I was gonna–”
“NOW, Weir.”
“–do your makeup, too. Aw.”

FELICIDAE IV, THRONEWORLD TO THE FELIS EMPIRE
“Jenkins! Get in here!”
“Yes, Space President?”
“Dammit, kid: fix your antenna.”
“Sorry.”
“The other one.”
“Gotcha.”
“The other one.
“Ah. Better?”
“You look like a Sallarian. Listen: what is this signal that Alien NASA picked up?”
“It’s so odd we call our space agency that, sir.”
“Answer the questions, Jenkins.”
“There are competing theories on the signal, sir. The mathematicians think it’s an equation that proves five plus two is seven.”
“Five plus two is seven, Jenkins.”
“Yes, but this proves it.”
“Have math executed.”
“Right away, sir.”
“You said there were other interpretations?”
“Yes, sir. The generals think it’s a threat.”
“The generals think lunch is a threat.”
“The cloners fed the data into the chromosonometer.”
“Monster?”
“Of course, sir.”
“Casualties?”
“Many, sir.”
“Well, have the cloners executed, too.”
“We’ve tried that, sir. They just make more of themselves.”
“Anyone else weighing in?
“The artists think it’s crap.”
“What do the people think?”
“The people think it’s art.”
“Great.”
“There was one interesting idea, sir. Someone ran the data through a soundifier–”
“Is that really the machine’s name?”
“–and, well: it appears to some sort of rock band.”
“Like Space Bon Jovi?”
“Sort of, sir.”
“Are they any good, Jenkins?”
“That’s subjective, sir. In fact, this might be some of the most subjective music I’ve ever heard.”
“Can you dance to it?”
“Kind of.”
“I’ll need a full report.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Jenkins?”
“Yes, sir?”
“I wasn’t joking: take math outside and shoot it in the head.”
“I didn’t think you were joking at all, sir.”
“Good man.”

At night, the Rules of the Road change. Driver and driven upon have different relationships, Precarious defined it to himself. When the sun was up and there were cars in every lane, you had to cooperate with the road, but on a long, clear three a.m. shot, you could collaborate. You could never be in charge, he knew; well, you could for a few miles, but the end of your rule would generally be marked with a cross and flowers on the shoulder. After dark on the highway, you could make suggestions and on a good night you might even get a vote; the road always had a veto.
Precarious didn’t consider it night driving until around midnight. Before that, normal folks were still driving normal cars and doing normal things, just in the dark. Precarious hated these hours, dreaded these miles: most people can’t drive for shit, he had noticed, and taking away the sun didn’t help at all. Tired commuters and drunks with their children in the car and strippers going to work; he was vigilant and this driving drained him, and sometimes he stopped and waited for it to blow over like a storm.
He had places to be, though. One place in particular, and if 8 o’clock would get out of the way and let him get to midnight, he would appreciate it. Precarious was driving a 1979 Pontiac Trans Am Firebird with a 454 cubic inch V8 and positraction to help fix its ass to the ground around the curves. It was Mayan Red and Precarious had borrowed it from a guy he’d known forever.
“Don’t take that old thing. I got a brand-new Mercedes. Take that,” the guy said.
Precarious was already in adjusting the seat in the Firebird, and he didn’t disagree. Precarious had no problem with a little luxury, and though he hated to admit it, the Germans made a fine product. There was nothing wrong with floating through the air, separated from your tires and alien to your machine, not so much driving as adjusting; the older he got, the less wrong there was. Easier on the back. Better for the neck. The modern ones almost do the driving for you, and pretty soon they will, and Precarious knew he should hate that, or feel threatened by it somehow. Twenty-year-old him would have, he thought. But, he knew, twenty-year-old him was a complete shithead.
Precarious would have grabbed the fob instead of the key if he were taking I-80: it is a deathly chore of a road, no fun at all, to be endured and the Merc’s toys would amuse him while the car’s computers chauffeured him. Marin to Toronto is two or three days, depending, and there was a lot of nothing along the way. More like a slowly-evolving series of nothings, Precarious thought, but that was just semantics. There are immense stretches of America that were not stolen, only because no one had even wanted it in the first place. But he wasn’t planning on taking I-80.
The Firebird wasn’t the right car for the trip, but it was the right car for the job, and Precarious was going to do this job right. A roadie that can’t lift shit ain’t shit, he thought. Precarious figured everyone else thought it, so he might as well. Sure, he was at Santa Clara, Chicago, but that was just a nice gesture. When he used to look at the stage, he would know that it was there because of him, but those stages for the reunion didn’t need his input. He left before the third show and drove home, and he was no different from any other asshole on the road, and he didn’t turn the radio on once. When the phone rang, Precarious was home to answer it.
And now the highway ran parallel to Milky Way and on Route 77, the moon is always full, unless it is more dramatic for it to be a crescent. Precarious had found the on-ramp just after midnight, and then he chased it for several miles before overtaking the on-ramp and making his way onto the Interstitial Highway System. There was a tollboothe, which is a tollbooth manned by Powers Boothe, but Precarious just drove around it and gunned the engine.
A long time ago, Precarious had figured that the only a small group of people drove at night, at proper night, and there were three categories: workers, cops, and other. Truck drivers and nurses and delivery guys and strippers coming home from work had to be on the road. So did the cops. But the other folks wanted to be on the road that late and were clearly up to no good, and the cops knew it. The trick was, he further figured, to look like a worker. Now, Precarious had failed to figure out just exactly how to look like a worker, but he came back to the question many times over the years.
You take the shine off the guardrails, and multiply it by the ellipsiastical white dashes, and square it by the horizon; this is divided by the rearview. The windshield is for suckers, at night, in the dark. This is the highway, Precarious thought, and it was built straight so President Eisenhower could land planes on it and drive tanks on it in case the Communists went nuts: it’s predictable, and you follow the path. Route 77 posed its own challenges, though: the white lines moved around quite a bit and would often form very unflattering caricatures of motorists; the double-yellow is currently going through a goth phase, and dyed itself black, and that is simply the least helpful thing it could have done.
Precarious passed the Boondocks, which has the most remote stevedores in the world. In the Low Desert, the AC was fine and powerful even as the thermometer gave up and fires ignited among the Joshua bushes, which are like Joshua trees, but bushes. He followed rivers and skirted lakes; at one point he saw a glacier and didn’t know what to think of it, so he just kept driving. Almost nothing could have kept him from driving; he had somewhere to be.
The cops don’t give warnings on Route 77, and sometimes they eat you, so Precarious didn’t speed. He didn’t have to. The Interstitial knows when you have to be there, and if you know the Rules of the Road you can have a straight shot there and home without letting the clock know about it. It was a good deal, he thought, but occasionally he’d see the ghosts of drivers that got lost, or the husks of cars that ran out of gas. You had to know the Rules of the Road.
Borders are more conceptual on the Interstitial than normal, and Precarious chose not to think about it, so he didn’t have to stop. When he got to Toronto, he dropped off the package and stretched his legs and felt like having a cheeseburger. World’s changing, Precarious thought. Changed. But there’s still work for a man who can drive, if he knows the way. It was dark out and there was gas in the car and Precarious Lee drove out of the city as fast as he could onto the open highway, looking for Route 77. It is the road to Little Aleppo, and it is a hard truck, but God will reward you the miles.

We were promised flying cars,
And robots we could fuck.
Deep-sea cities, cures for death,
And clones of fat John Kruk.
They told me there’d be jetpacks,
And peace for all mankind;
And phasers we could set to stun,
And visors for the blind.
The future seemed so close, and
It would be here any year.
But we didn’t get our sexbots; no,
We got this bullshit here

MOTHERFUCKER.
Don’t do this.
I WILL FIGHT YOU, JARNOW. I WILL FIGHT YOU AND YOUR BEARD.
Please. I’m almost certain he was being nice.
PEOPLE FROM BROOKLYN AREN’T NICE.
Stop yelling.
Sorry.
You’re screaming–for no reason at all, it should be noted–about the great Jesse Jarnow’s review of that catholic tribute to the Dead that a bunch of people no one’s heard of made?
Yes.
I’m going to ask you why, and if you say “Everybody keeps stealing my choogle,” then I am going kick you in the neck.
…
Okee dokee. So maybe stop yelling at people. Especially people who send you two copies of their book–the critically acclaimed Heads: A Biography of Psychedelic America— that you haven’t reviewed yet because you’re jealous of people who have written books.
Please stop telling the truth like that.
If you want to write a book, write a book.
But: it’s hard.
…
…
…
I’d just like to move on.
Let’s.
Are you going to offer any thoughts on the album?
Here are my thoughts: if someone pays me to listen to it, I will.
Reasonable, actually.
Three-and-a-half hours? Kiss my cock and buy a red pen, you self-indulgent dribblers. Do it as a series and release a bunch at a time, or maybe just cut one of the eleven versions of Dark Star; I don’t care, but don’t dump 59 songs on me and say, “Here.”
Also reasonable.
This album is so long you have to go to Bayreuth to hear it.
Well done.
This album is so long that by the time you’re done listening, it’s time for the next generation’s Dead tribute album.
Eh.
Probably should’ve stood pat. Listen: J.J. does a good job and makes fun of the backing band; he’s the man to listen to about this. If someone wants to give me a short list of the standout tracks, I’ll listen to them, but I’m not wading through this whole thing.
Sure. You should–
WAIT.
—ask people…oh, God, what.
THAT FUCKER.
You’re yelling again.
Right. But I just came up with another reason to be mad at Jarnow: he made me go to Pitchfork.
…
I’ll allow it.

What has Young John Mayer done to the Dead? This. He has done this to the Dead. Thanks, John.

In any room, there’s a dumbest person there. If the room’s large enough, there might even be three dumbest people there. Here are the three from Chicago.
The only explanation I can think of boils down to: it was their fault. I am not blaming the cops on this one. Sure, doobie should be legal and prohibition doesn’t work and yarble yarble yarble, but I can say from direct observation that the cops assigned to Soldier Field that weekend were not being all that aggressive; most seemed bemused, and all of them looked happy to have an easy shift babysitting the white people. We’ve all read stories about (or been present for) cops using Dead shows as hunting grounds for revenue, and being violent louts. This was not the case at the Farewell Shoes.
Cops do what they’re told (in public), and they had been told to welcome all the visitors and their money into the city and not bother anyone; Deadheads are mostly clever (yay, us) and we all figured out the score quickly. But 64,997 of us remembered: cops are still cops, no matter how pleasant they’ve been ordered to be, and certain rules still applied. Basic rules that have their roots in not the law, but primal primate bullshit.
Yes, the grounds of the stadium and the park have been de-facto declared a free-for-all, but no, you cannot smoke your doobie right in front of the cop. Like I said: 64,997 of us knew enough to–when walking past a police officer–cup the joint in our palm. Or slip the bowl in your pocket. You didn’t even have to do a good job: the point was to let the cop see you making the effort to hide the contraband. It’s a respect thing; cops are into that bullshit, and it doesn’t matter if you aren’t: when the cops play status games, participation is mandatory.
These three idiots, I’m sure, were dabbing up while making eye contact with one of Chicago’s Finest. There can be no other explanation; quite frankly, I have no sympathy for these rebels.

I’m sure there’s an explanation for the cage behind Garcia beyond “the past was weird as shit,” but I can’t figure it out.
Also: this pic’s from 2/11/70 at the Fillmore East; you can listen to it here, because everything happens simultaneously nowadays.
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