SET LIST
– Way-Too-High Bill Walton
– The longest fucking New Speedway Boogie you’ve ever been a party to.
– Jack Straw, who is from Wichita but didn’t let them stop him.
Thoughts On The Dead
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Page 7 of 1031
- And I’m not gonna lie: I was probably 50 mg of shmedibles into the afternoon when I fired this strong, independent woman up, so my recollections might best be classified as “dissipative” by now.
- Wonder Woman can fly now.
- She used to have the Invisible Jet.
- She still has it, kinda, but also she can fly (Superman-style) now.
- Never in Wonder Woman’s 80-year history has one of her superpowers been unaided flight, but a handsome man gave her a pep talk, and then she decided she could fly, and now Wonder Woman can fly.
- There’s a lot of that bullshit in this flick.
- And some rape.
- Just a little bit, but it’s more rape than I generally prefer in my Superduper Hero movies.
- My vote is for “no rape whatsoever.”
- Call me a prude.
- See, Chris Pine (who died in the first one) got wished into some rando’s body, whereupon Wonder Diana immediately gave up the WAP (Wet Amazon Pussy).
- TotD, you ask, Why did his resurrection require a freejacking while just minutes later, objects and people just PLUMPF themselves into existence?
- I’m gonna stop you at “Why,” muchacho.
- WW84 is immune to Why.
- It shrugs Why from its shoulders.
- For example, Kristin Wiig turns into a kitty.
- Now, Enthusiast, I know what you’re about to say.
- Totd, why did Kristin–
- SLAP!
- That’s right.
- I just slapped you.
- BACKHAND!
- And then backhanded you.
- Did I not warn you of the cursed relationship between WW84 and Why?
- A folie à deux is what they form, I implored you to consider, but you failed to heed me.
- Goddammit, why won’t you heed me?
- Get back on track or stop typing.
- Leave me alone; I’m in the middle of an abusive relationship with my readership.
- It’s getting unpleasant in here.
- I gotta say this: If you’re gonna be in an abusive relationship, you wanna be the abuser.
- Dude.
- Sure, it’s more responsibility, but you get to be your own boss.
- I’m gonna pull the plug if you can’t talk about the nonsense movie for ninnies.
- You’re drab, man.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Anyways, I heard that Pedro Pascal wouldn’t be fed after three pm so he’d be extra-hungry for the scenery the next day.
- My man went for it.
- First day on set: “I’m gonna need the biggest, most delicious wig ever created. Yes, wigs can be delicious. Because I demand it to be so. Moving on: I require a suit made out of pinstripes. The pinstripes are not to be mere filigree, instead forming the core constituence of the garment. Lastly, I will be brought an Asian son. I will be brought an Asian son immediately! PASCAL!”
- The man swung his hammer like John Henry, dramaturgically speaking, is all I’m trying to say.
- Gal Gadot: still fetching.
- But I may have ruined her.
- I noticed something, and it’s one of those “can’t unsee” type of deals.
- “Can’t unhear,” more correctly.
- I’ll share it, but if you’re a Gal Pal (GG’s male fan club), or a Gal Gal (her female admirers), or Gal Sal (Salvino Schviadello lives in Lombardy, owns six larger-than-average goats, and still believes in the magic of the movies; in around eight months, Sal’s gonna record himself suiciding and send it to Gal; the star/fan relationship is a holy one), then you might wanna skip the next few lines.
- Ready?
- Y’sure?
- Okee-doke, here we go: The woman sounds like Peter Lorre.
- Sorry to do that to you, but I won’t suffer alone.
- Lot of people are humorless about this film’s faults and failures–actually angered–but not me, Enthusiasts.
- WW84 contained a Wacky Tryin’ On Clothes Montage, and I can never hate a movie with one of those.
- The outfits are so inappropriate!
- Comedically so!
- Chris Pine would appear ludicrous if he were to wear any of those ensembles!
- It’s not to be taken seriously, the WTOCM, but you can lose yourself in the humor.
- For a titch.
- Then it all comes oozing back.
- The pain.
- The regret.
- The rage.
- All the splinters you can’t dig out.
- And you start thinking about how easy it is to build a pipe bomb.
- DUDE.
- Whaaaaaaaat?
- No pipe bombs.
- The Second Amendment–
- IT MOST CERTAINLY DOES NOT.
- –says I can set off a pipe bomb at an IHOP.
- …
- …
- …
- I’m gonna give you one more chance to stay on topic, which is a shitty movie, and not flapjack-related terrorism.
- I’ll try.
- Will you?
- I’ll type.
- You’re a Secret Hero and Adonis.
- Yeah, I’m the tits, man.
- Anydumplings, WW84 shares a plot…point…?…with the second Transformers movie.
- I feel icky calling it a plot point.
- “Similar semi-explicable decisions were made” is as far as I’m willing to go.
- In both motion pictures, the backdoor to the National Air & Space Museum is a wormhole.
- Portal.
- Transdimensional pet door.
- Whatever you wanna call it.
- In WW84, there is an airport behind the museum, stocked with fully-fueled and prepped jet fighters that someone has left the keys in.
- Which is not as bad as Transformers, honestly.
- In Transformers, the rear exit to the museum leads to Monument Valley.
- At least the fake airport is of a piece.
- Transformers: You’re on the Mall, you look at the Spirit of St. Louis, and then BAM Monument Valley out of fucking nowhere.
- And then Chris Pine knows how to fly a jet fighter because he was a duff hand on biplanes made out of canvas and balsa wood.
- Fine, whatever.
- This is a movie that features as its main plot device a rock that grants wishes.
- I’ll allow it.
- Wonder Woman then does a Mr Miyagi thing with her hands, and the jet turns invisible.
- When did she learn that?
- Do all the Amazons know that trick, or just the ones made of clay and lady-magick?
- Wonder Woman was–and everyone should remember this any time they have even the faintest inclination to take this character seriously–sculpted from clay, and then brought to life via lady-magick.
- Now, that’s no dumber than being bitten by an irradiated spider, but it is objectively dumb.
- I’ve said this before, but I think it’s an important point and I will therefore repeat myself: Wonder Woman could’ve banged Bowie, but the filmmakers insisted on keeping her an emotional child.
- “Where is my Chreeeeeeeeeeeeessss?”
- (Y’gotta read that like Peter Lorre.)
- He “died” in 1918 or ’19, and comes back in 1984, so for around 65 years, Wonder Woman was chaste and (pun semi-intended) pining.
- Which is just bullshit.
- There were some fuckable dudes around from 1919 to 1984!
- She could’ve fucked Roberto Clemente.
- It would have required taking the train up to Philly when the Pirates were in town because the Senators were in the American League and so did not play the Pirates, but that’s not a bad trip at all.
- Make a day of it: Tour Constitution Hall, eat a cheese-steak, fuck Roberto Clemente.
- Wonder Woman could’ve slipped-and-slid through the greatest cocksmen of the century, but no:
- “Where is my Chreeeeeeeeeeeeeeess?”
- And then Kristen Wiig turns into a kitty.
- Mee-yow.
- She had not, until the kittification, shown any cat-related curiosity beyond complimenting another woman’s leopard-print high heels.
- Ladies and their shoes, right?
- But then–sans explanation–she was a kitty.
- Gimme something, WW84.
- I don’t need it to make sense, but I do need just a bit more effort out of you.
- Remember when Michelle Pfeiffer turned into a kitty?
- It was one of the more overtly goth Batman outings: Christopher Walken threw her off a building, but then a pack of street cats licked her back to life, imbuing her with kitty powers and also the ability to do fine leather tailoring.
- I was completely fine with that.
- Won’t you try just a little bit harder, WW84?
- Hey!
- Vaguely Grateful Dead-related content!
- I’ll stop there, as it is a high note.
- “Welp, time to go do some mining.”
- “One shot of terrible alcohol, please, and can you point me to a relatively clean prostitute?”
- “Hang dai.”
- “That’s a dumb-ass hat.” (Thomas Jane episodes only.)
- “I haven’t showered in three weeks.”
- “Who do we have to bribe/kill?”
- “Could you please stop punching that man? I’m pretty sure he’s already dead.”
- “Not a lot of Puerto Ricans around here, are there?”
- “CockSUCKA!” (Amazon-produced episodes only.)
- “Yes, I know he says he’s a doctor…”
- “It takes three weeks to get there.”
- “This treaty will bring peace.”
- “Is there anywhere that doesn’t smell like balls?”
And if anyone tries to get cynical on ya, slap ’em in the chops.
2021’s gonna suck, too.
The Before Times We ventured, we sprang, we did not fear the air. Breakfast was fucking everywhere. Rockyroll presentations were regular and of the highest quality. A chicken in every garage, and a coke dealer in every bathroom.
The Burbling Wuhan. No, it doesn’t have broccoli. It’s a place. I don’t know where it is, Ma. I heard about it at the same time you did. Nah, don’t worry about it. Gonna blow through and disappear.
3/11/20 Shit got real on 3/11/20. Tom Hanks got the ronus, and the NBA canceled the season. It was like that scene in every horror movie where Tom Hanks gets the ronus and the NBA cancels the season. You know that scene.
Clap If You Believe In which, for a brief instance, we joined in spirit. We jammed out on our balconies to raise the neighborhood’s morale, cheered for the medical brigades, taught our parents how to work Zoom. And Tiger King. Remember Tiger King? All the meth and inbred leopards we needed, plus Joe Exotic eulogized his dead husband by talking about his testicles. We also cleaned our houses real good, and got $1200. We were rocket jockeys, man: Flying high.
Don’t Worry: Donald Trump Is In Charge Basketball Head saw Joe Exotic’s ratings and nothing could keep him from that briefing room. They tried that trick where you remove the door and wallpaper over the hole, but Donald gnawed through the drywall in seconds. The President has strong, healthy teeth; the Jewstream Media doesn’t give him enough credit for that. That’s bias in action. Then, he said we should bang bleach and boof lightbulbs and everyone made fun of him even worse than usual.
Summer, Maybe I don’t know if we had a summer this year. As well as I can recall, it was just suddenly October one morning. NO! WAIT! I remember summer. I got cancer, and black people were furious. (Those two clauses are not related.)
The Smushening II: Bowling For Bowels This was the phase of Quarantine when I was prescribed opiates and doobie, so I can’t be all that concrete in my recollect. Some famous people died, probably.
Gonk Gonk gonk.
Suicidesgiving True story: I killed myself 8 times in November. Gave myself to the gators, as is local custom. The beasts got my flesh, and I kept my soul. That’s a good deal, muchacho.
Aw, Current The freshly-passed stimulus bill contains $5 billion earmarked for gooping on grinches. WARNING: All grinch-gooping will be done at the DMV. If a stranger comes to your door and tells you “I’m from the government, and I’m here to goop on ya grinch,” then you should not trust that person, and you should certainly not allow him-or-her access to your grinch.
Ding ding ding! We’re done.
What, why?
You know why.
I do.
It sounds like such a wild, boisterous time.
Drippy boy.
“You know it.”
Visvim?
“Camp High Collective.”
Which one is that?
“It’s run by Handsy Santa.”
Oh, right. I remember that guy. Are you supposed to look like the side panel of an RV?
“It’s explosions of color and a tribute to the Southwest.”
You’re in Los Angeles.
“A city which is both south and west of America.”
CELL PHONE NOISE
“Just getting right to it, huh?”
LA IS NOT THE SOUTHWEST.
“Agree to disagree.”
…
“You’re on with John.”
“I vant to suck your drugs.”
“What?”
“I’m Draculou.”
“Nope. Too weird.”
“Wanna jerk off?”
“Hanging up.”
DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT
“Pardon me.”
Mm-hmm?
“All pilled up again?”
You know it, muchacho.
“Leave me out it.”
Who knows what the future holds?
“You’re Mr. Stevens?”
- Me. (Not just because I have the immune system of a near-bankrupt carnival. I’m just selfish. Were I healthy, I would want to go first, too.)
- Mother on the Dead. (Old as shit.)
- Nephew, Brother, and Sister-In-Law on the Dead. (Package deal.)
- Nurses.
- Doctors.
- Candy-stripers. (“Candy-striper” is one of those descriptors that, for no reason you can explicitly identify, is absolutely filthy. “Coed” is another.)
- Robot Eddie, this guy I know.
- Teachers and lunch ladies and janitors and the cool vice-principal, but not guidance counselors.
- Firefighters and paramedics. (Oh, fine: cops, too. Imagine the whining if you left ’em out.)
- All professional athletes. (Male only.)
- Wolverine. (No, that’s just stupid. Wolverine doesn’t need vaccines. It would be wasteful.)
- Milton Shang, the Human Wang. (Why does every post break down into foolishness? And aren’t you usually in bold face when we do this bit?)
- MILT’S ALL WANG! (We’re done.)
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