- And I’m not gonna lie: I was probably 50 mg of shmedibles into the afternoon when I fired this strong, independent woman up, so my recollections might best be classified as “dissipative” by now.
- Wonder Woman can fly now.
- She used to have the Invisible Jet.
- She still has it, kinda, but also she can fly (Superman-style) now.
- Never in Wonder Woman’s 80-year history has one of her superpowers been unaided flight, but a handsome man gave her a pep talk, and then she decided she could fly, and now Wonder Woman can fly.
- There’s a lot of that bullshit in this flick.
- And some rape.
- Just a little bit, but it’s more rape than I generally prefer in my Superduper Hero movies.
- My vote is for “no rape whatsoever.”
- Call me a prude.
- See, Chris Pine (who died in the first one) got wished into some rando’s body, whereupon Wonder Diana immediately gave up the WAP (Wet Amazon Pussy).
- TotD, you ask, Why did his resurrection require a freejacking while just minutes later, objects and people just PLUMPF themselves into existence?
- I’m gonna stop you at “Why,” muchacho.
- WW84 is immune to Why.
- It shrugs Why from its shoulders.
- For example, Kristin Wiig turns into a kitty.
- Now, Enthusiast, I know what you’re about to say.
- Totd, why did Kristin–
- SLAP!
- That’s right.
- I just slapped you.
- BACKHAND!
- And then backhanded you.
- Did I not warn you of the cursed relationship between WW84 and Why?
- A folie à deux is what they form, I implored you to consider, but you failed to heed me.
- Goddammit, why won’t you heed me?
- Get back on track or stop typing.
- Leave me alone; I’m in the middle of an abusive relationship with my readership.
- It’s getting unpleasant in here.
- I gotta say this: If you’re gonna be in an abusive relationship, you wanna be the abuser.
- Dude.
- Sure, it’s more responsibility, but you get to be your own boss.
- I’m gonna pull the plug if you can’t talk about the nonsense movie for ninnies.
- You’re drab, man.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Anyways, I heard that Pedro Pascal wouldn’t be fed after three pm so he’d be extra-hungry for the scenery the next day.
- My man went for it.
- First day on set: “I’m gonna need the biggest, most delicious wig ever created. Yes, wigs can be delicious. Because I demand it to be so. Moving on: I require a suit made out of pinstripes. The pinstripes are not to be mere filigree, instead forming the core constituence of the garment. Lastly, I will be brought an Asian son. I will be brought an Asian son immediately! PASCAL!”
- The man swung his hammer like John Henry, dramaturgically speaking, is all I’m trying to say.
- Gal Gadot: still fetching.
- But I may have ruined her.
- I noticed something, and it’s one of those “can’t unsee” type of deals.
- “Can’t unhear,” more correctly.
- I’ll share it, but if you’re a Gal Pal (GG’s male fan club), or a Gal Gal (her female admirers), or Gal Sal (Salvino Schviadello lives in Lombardy, owns six larger-than-average goats, and still believes in the magic of the movies; in around eight months, Sal’s gonna record himself suiciding and send it to Gal; the star/fan relationship is a holy one), then you might wanna skip the next few lines.
- Ready?
- Y’sure?
- Okee-doke, here we go: The woman sounds like Peter Lorre.
- Sorry to do that to you, but I won’t suffer alone.
- Lot of people are humorless about this film’s faults and failures–actually angered–but not me, Enthusiasts.
- WW84 contained a Wacky Tryin’ On Clothes Montage, and I can never hate a movie with one of those.
- The outfits are so inappropriate!
- Comedically so!
- Chris Pine would appear ludicrous if he were to wear any of those ensembles!
- It’s not to be taken seriously, the WTOCM, but you can lose yourself in the humor.
- For a titch.
- Then it all comes oozing back.
- The pain.
- The regret.
- The rage.
- All the splinters you can’t dig out.
- And you start thinking about how easy it is to build a pipe bomb.
- DUDE.
- Whaaaaaaaat?
- No pipe bombs.
- The Second Amendment–
- IT MOST CERTAINLY DOES NOT.
- –says I can set off a pipe bomb at an IHOP.
- …
- …
- …
- I’m gonna give you one more chance to stay on topic, which is a shitty movie, and not flapjack-related terrorism.
- I’ll try.
- Will you?
- I’ll type.
- You’re a Secret Hero and Adonis.
- Yeah, I’m the tits, man.
- Anydumplings, WW84 shares a plot…point…?…with the second Transformers movie.
- I feel icky calling it a plot point.
- “Similar semi-explicable decisions were made” is as far as I’m willing to go.
- In both motion pictures, the backdoor to the National Air & Space Museum is a wormhole.
- Portal.
- Transdimensional pet door.
- Whatever you wanna call it.
- In WW84, there is an airport behind the museum, stocked with fully-fueled and prepped jet fighters that someone has left the keys in.
- Which is not as bad as Transformers, honestly.
- In Transformers, the rear exit to the museum leads to Monument Valley.
- At least the fake airport is of a piece.
- Transformers: You’re on the Mall, you look at the Spirit of St. Louis, and then BAM Monument Valley out of fucking nowhere.
- And then Chris Pine knows how to fly a jet fighter because he was a duff hand on biplanes made out of canvas and balsa wood.
- Fine, whatever.
- This is a movie that features as its main plot device a rock that grants wishes.
- I’ll allow it.
- Wonder Woman then does a Mr Miyagi thing with her hands, and the jet turns invisible.
- When did she learn that?
- Do all the Amazons know that trick, or just the ones made of clay and lady-magick?
- Wonder Woman was–and everyone should remember this any time they have even the faintest inclination to take this character seriously–sculpted from clay, and then brought to life via lady-magick.
- Now, that’s no dumber than being bitten by an irradiated spider, but it is objectively dumb.
- I’ve said this before, but I think it’s an important point and I will therefore repeat myself: Wonder Woman could’ve banged Bowie, but the filmmakers insisted on keeping her an emotional child.
- “Where is my Chreeeeeeeeeeeeessss?”
- (Y’gotta read that like Peter Lorre.)
- He “died” in 1918 or ’19, and comes back in 1984, so for around 65 years, Wonder Woman was chaste and (pun semi-intended) pining.
- Which is just bullshit.
- There were some fuckable dudes around from 1919 to 1984!
- She could’ve fucked Roberto Clemente.
- It would have required taking the train up to Philly when the Pirates were in town because the Senators were in the American League and so did not play the Pirates, but that’s not a bad trip at all.
- Make a day of it: Tour Constitution Hall, eat a cheese-steak, fuck Roberto Clemente.
- Wonder Woman could’ve slipped-and-slid through the greatest cocksmen of the century, but no:
- “Where is my Chreeeeeeeeeeeeeeess?”
- And then Kristen Wiig turns into a kitty.
- Mee-yow.
- She had not, until the kittification, shown any cat-related curiosity beyond complimenting another woman’s leopard-print high heels.
- Ladies and their shoes, right?
- But then–sans explanation–she was a kitty.
- Gimme something, WW84.
- I don’t need it to make sense, but I do need just a bit more effort out of you.
- Remember when Michelle Pfeiffer turned into a kitty?
- It was one of the more overtly goth Batman outings: Christopher Walken threw her off a building, but then a pack of street cats licked her back to life, imbuing her with kitty powers and also the ability to do fine leather tailoring.
- I was completely fine with that.
- Won’t you try just a little bit harder, WW84?
- Hey!
- Vaguely Grateful Dead-related content!
- I’ll stop there, as it is a high note.
Ok. Ok. Peter Lorre. The Year of the Cat.
https://youtu.be/cqZc7ZQURMs
That is all.
Were there needless references to Lynda Carter? If no—why not?
Someone’s got a crush. Right there with ya
Wonder Woman has been flying since the 80s. Didn’t you even look that up or watch the Justice League cartoon?
No doubt that’s true, but the deal is “no research.”