Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Page 9 of 1031

In A Reclining Way

December 7, 2020 / / 4 Comments

Hey, Mr. Davis. Whatcha doing?

“Bein’ black and better than you.”

I can’t disagree. That’s some bed you got there.

“Custom-made. I can fit six bitches in here. All sorts of room for freakiness. Plus I got hidey-holes.”

Hidey-holes? For what?

BANG!

“Don’t be asking me about my hidey-holes.”

You brought it up.

“I’ll bring my foot up your ass. Fuck’s the point of a hidey-hole if you’re gonna run around telling everyone what’s in it?”

You’re right.

“Shit, I know. But you’re half-dead or something, right?”

Something like that.

“Yeah, so I’ll let you behind the black door. That’s very kind of me, letting your semi-civilized ass into my hidey-holes.”

Thank you, Mr. Davis.

“I got a drug drawer.”

Sure.

“Next to that is for devices of a sensual purpose. I got some wet-wipes in there, too.”

Smart.

“Under there I got, maybe, nine or ten deflated soccer balls.”

Why?

“Ask Cicely.”

If I see her, I will. Anything else you want to share about your bed?

“PIllows are custom, too. Feathers only come from good-looking ducks. I picked ’em out personally. Went upstate to this cracker’s farm. Man’s got ducks out the ass. I chose the attractive birds.”

There are good-looking and ugly ducks?

“Shit, yeah. Some of those motherfuckers were uglier than Gary Bartz. I can’t be putting my head on that shit.”

I guess not. One last question.

BANG!

What was that for!?

“You act like we ain’t met before and I don’t know you’re about to say some stupid shit.”

Yes, sir.

“Ask your stupid shit.”

Shoes on the bed?

BANG!

“They’re bed-slippers, you hillbilly shithead!”

I enjoy our visits.

“I’ll throw you out a window if you come back here.”

Yes, sir.

Completist

December 5, 2020 / / 5 Comments

When Mr. Completely (the Hero of Cascadia) recommends a show, then I listen to that show. But maybe you’re Mr. Contrary. Maybe you need a little nudge towards beauty, and require some details.

Here goes:

  • Half-Step>Roadrunner opener. (The Junior Walker Roadrunner, not the Jonathan Richman version.)
  • Hot, hot, hot Esau.
  • WILLIE AND THE MOTHERFUCKING HAND JIVE>GDTRFB.
  • Desolation Row, yo. (Y’know how Bobby always nails Desolation Row and it’s like “How the fuck did he do that?” You will not ask that question this go-round.)

3/31/86 from Providence. Ball’s in your court, sucker.

A Partial Transcript Of The Michigan Voter Fraud Hearing, 12/2/20

December 3, 2020 / / 10 Comments

“Against this committee’s better judgement, and in the vain hope that if we just let you idiots bray for a while you’ll tire yourselves out, we will continue with the testimony of Melissa Carone. Miss Carone, you say that you worked for Dominion Voting Systems.”

“Yeah, I worked that shit. I put my thing down, flipped it, and reversed it.”

“Oh, great. You’re in the same mood as when we took a break.”

“Your head looks like a penis. And not a good penis. There are good penises! But not your head.”

“Knock that off.”

“I bet your penis-head is responsible at least 50,000 fake votes.”

“How?”

“Treachery!”

“Ma’am, I’m gonna plow through. You say you worked for Dominion, but have produced no evidence of that assertion.”

“Because I worked under the table. That company is super-shady, y’all.”

“So you worked for the company…secretly?”

“Yuh-huh.”

“Why?”

“Ask Affy David.”

“Who?”

“I talked to him about everything. Affy David. And I signed something.”

…

“Are you referring to an affidavit?”

“No, I don’t like foreign food.”

“Ma’am–”

“I’m gonna stick my head all the way in my purse for a sec. Do not speculate. It’s just a thing I do.”

LOONEY-BIRD DIVING INTO HER POCKETBOOK AND GUZZLING FROM A FLASK NOISE

“Mr. Giuliani, you used to be the Mayor of New York City, right?”

“I was.”

“Thought so.”

WACKADOODLE REEMERGING FROM HER HANDBAG NOISE

“I’m back! What was Fidel Castro up to while I was gone?”

“Nothing. He died years ago.”

“That’s what they want you to think. Not-President Hussein Obama keeps him alive with transfusions of communist blood.”

“No.”

“That’s why blood’s red.”

“Nope.”

“Somewhere from 3 to 85 million votes were illegally placed by Richard Simmons.”

“How did he become a part of this?”

“It’s all a part of this! Representative Jermajesty–”

“Johnson.”

“–you must reveal the Codex of Publius!”

“The what now?”

“The names! The names have been scrivened!”

“Scrivened?”

“The Democronomicon!”

…

…

…

“Are you talking about the poll book?”

“Yes, but I’m not being common about it.”

“Ma’am, the poll book is a matter of public record and available for any citizen to view.”

“You’ve clearly enchanted it with a Glamour Spell.”

“Please leave the occult out of this. People are already worked up enough without bringing dark magicks into it.”

“Representative Jamband–”

“Johnson. It’s one of the easiest names there is.”

“–I follow the truth. If the truth goes to, like, a forest then I go to a forest. That’s who I am. I put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it.”

“You’ve mentioned that.”

“Not enough! Hey, Penis-head, quick question.”

“Johnson. Hell, call me Steve.”

“Just between you and me…you know a guy?”

“Wha?”

“Mama’s had a bit too much purse and needs to put some pocket on top of it.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“Never been more serious. Don’t you have a cool nephew or something?”

“I’m just gonna pretend I don’t understand what you’re asking me.”

“I want–”

“Stop talking.”

“–some co–”

“Please shut up.”

“–caine.”

GAVEL NOISE!

“We’re done.”

“Censorship!”

“Nope.”

Fusion Or Porgy?

December 2, 2020 / / 2 Comments

FEELINGS ON BESS? PORGY: Desirous that she be his woman now. FUSION: Did not return questionnaire.

MILES DAVIS Yet another trick, tee hee. If we were on Password or even Super Password, and you said “Miles Davis” as a clue, both FUSION and PORGY would be appropriate answers.

WHITE PEOPLE LEGALLY ENJOINED FROM PRODUCING IT? BESS: Yes. FUSION: God, I hope not.

FLOTUS? There was a First Lady named BESS, but there have been no Presidential family members named FUSION. (In 2024, a GOP hopeful is gonna tell a crowd “These here are my twins, Fusion and Fission. Know why I named ’em that? Cuz the government said I shouldn’t.” That fucker’s gonna win in a landslide.)

THE GRINCH, AND WHETHER OR NOT YA GOOPIN’ ON IT Oh, this is the good part.

STOP IT. I’M BEGGING YOU. 

The people need to know.

They don’t. They really don’t. Hey, isn’t this site supposed to be about the Dead?

The who?

Right, yeah. And didn’t you start out talking about Porgy? And then just swiffered on over to Bess? 

…

Huh. I did!

Asswipe.

Fusion Or Pierogi?

December 2, 2020 / / 1 Comment

13/8 If even one bar of the song is in 13/8, then we’re dealing with FUSION. If there are no odd-metered measures, and in fact no music at all but instead an iteration of a dumpling, then it’s PIEROGI.

MUSHROOMS Do mushrooms make everything sound better? FUSION. Do mushrooms make everything taste better? PIEROGI.

CHICK COREA Trick question! Chick Corea produces FUSION and consumes PIEROGIS. Chick has the cosmopolitan palate one would assume in a man of his urbanity.

HYACINTH OF POLAND If you open up the Wiki page and see a reference to Hyacinth of Poland, you are dealing with PIEROGI. (Although “Hyacinth of Poland” would indeed make an excellent name for a FUSION band.)

KREPLACH FUSION music does not get upset when confused with kreplach. Neither does PIEROGI, as it is a non-sentient foodstuff, but some people will get pissed as fuck if you mistake it for kreplach. I won’t say why, but it has to do with “the Jews.”

YA GRINCH, IS IT GOOPED ON? Important to know!

Annnnnnnnd once again, I have to step in because you’re just showing our ass, man.

I am the only man on the innnertubes demanding to know the grinch-gooping status of fusion music and pierogis! I’m brave!

…

…

…

Do you even listen to yourself?

NEVER!

Fusion Or Prog?

December 2, 2020 / / 6 Comments

Some folks think about the Big Questions. World peace, shit like that. Not us, Enthusiasts. We wallow in slapdashery and detail-work. We are not that guy with the exceedingly foreign name and beard, Slobodan Victuals or whatever, no. We will waste our days on hargle-bargle cuz we know that there are no Big Answers, but it is awful fun to argue about Tiny Nonsense.

Join me in some Tiny Nonsense, won’t you?

VOCALS? If someone’s singing, then it’s PROG. If someone’s singing about chess or a yogi or the Battle of Thermopylae, then it’s DEFINITELY PROG. Vocals get in the way of virtuosity.

WHO’S IN CHARGE? If the guitar player is in charge of the band, then it’s PROG. If a keyboardist who used to play for Miles Davis is in charge, then it’s FUSION. If the drummer is in charge, then it’s INCONTROVERTIBLY FUSION.

DOES BRITANNIA RULE? PROG is from the ANZAC countries. FUSION is American.

BLACK GUY? If there’s a black guy in the band, then it’s FUSION. (That probably had more to do with the UK/US split than anything.)

DID THE KEYBOARDIST QUIT THE GROUP SO HE COULD SOLO OVER AN ICE CAPADE? That’s PROG, man. That’s some of the PROGGIEST shit I’ve ever heard of.

SPRECHEN SIE DEUTSCH? Ha-HA! Trick question! If the band speaks German, then clearly it’s KRAUTROCK. Fooled you, fucker!

CAPE STATUS If you’re in a FUSION band and you show up for the gig wearing a cape, you get fired. Let’s just make this simple: If you are allowed to get away with any Rick Wakeman-style bullshit, then you are in a PROG band.

GOOP ON YA GRINCH? If you goop on ya grinch, then you’re PROG. If you do NOT goop on ya grinch, then you’re FUSION.

Excuse me.

Mm?

What in the name of sweet sweaty fuck does “goop on ya grinch” mean?

I dunno. I dunno what it means, I dunno where it came from, and I don’t know whether it’s offensive or not. Someone said it on the innertubes and now it’s in my head.

Leave it there.

NEVER!

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