Paper, Boys

“And then Sarge says, ‘Drop and give me twenty!’ and Beetle gives him a $20 bill.”

“That Beetle Bailey is a scamp.”

“The Wall Street Journal should have started printing the funnies years ago.”

“The op-ed page always made me laugh.”

“True.”

“Read me Garfield, Big Daddy.”

“Lindsey, are we not going to discuss the healthcare bill ever?”

“Healthcare bill? I’m sure I have no idea whatsoever you’re talkin’ about.”

“Don’t do this.”

“I am unaware of any healthcare bill that me an’ Billy Cassidy–who is just a big ol’ slab o’ beef of a man–worked so hard on.”

“An intern wrote it over a long weekend, Linds.”

“And I have never heard of any Disloyal Debras or Backstabbin’ Brendas who have pretended to be my friend for so many years. Nope, just my stalwart pal Johnny, who always has my back and never facefucks me in front of the whole country.”

“I didn’t facefuck you, Linds.”

“Y’held my ears and pistoned. Y’used my throat like a mole uses dirt, John. I was makin’ that duck noise. WAAK WAAK WAAK.”

“Keep it down, will you?”

“I would have kept it down, but you kept thrustin’. It wasn’t a sex thing, it was a power thing, John.”

“Jesus, shut the fuck up.”

“Now, I won’t lie: it was a li’l bit hot. I was into it.”

…

“Are you finished?”

“Bein’ hurt? Maybe never. It was a good bill, John. It could have helped a lot of people.”

“Who?”

“Me. My friends who own insurance companies. Steve Bannon.”

“How would it help Steve Bannon?”

“He likes watchin’ people die.”

“Yeah, okay. Lindsey, the bill sucked.”

“Well, what do you want in it? Free doctors for everyone? That leads to gulags, you know that. Every country that ever went to a socialized healthcare system started throwin’ people in camps within a couple years. You ever hear of a place called Canada?”

“Are you saying that now, too?”

“They got Commiecare, and all of ’em are dead. Every single one. I don’t want Americans to be killed by their healthcare, John. I want them to be killed by not having it. That’s a thing called freedom.”

“Can we just move past it?”

“Fine. We’re past it. Oh, by the way: I can’t drive you to the airport today.”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Lindsey. Stop being such a bitch.”

“Something’s come up. Take an Uber.”

“I can’t. I’ve been banned.”

“How’d you get banned from Uber?”

“Well, last time I called, they sent a Vietnamese driver. Freaked out a little bit.”

“Kill him?”

“Her.”

“Kill her?”

“Yeah.”

“You okay?”

“Keep a secret?”

“I’ve been keeping one for 50 years now.”

“I felt so much better afterwards.”

“How’d you do it?”

“Strangled her with the seatbelt.”

“Sexy.”

“Keep another secret?”

“Tell me, tell me.”

“I came.”

“Johnny!”

“It was like auto-erotic asphyxiation, but with someone else’ s neck.”

“You maverick, you.”

“What can I say?”

“Y’know, I suppose I might could shuffle my afternoon around an’ carry you down to th’ airport.”

“I’m glad. Just be careful.”

“I will do my best not to look Vietnamese. Big Daddy?”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Read me Garfield.”

“Okay, sure. In the first panel, Garfield’s asleep and Odie’s standing over him all excited.”

“Odie’s my favorite.”