Pear-Shaped

Does his tongue ever go in his mouth?

“Not that I’ve seen. It’s been in her mouth.”

Oh, sure.

“Recently and repeatedly. They simply will not stop making out.”

Aww.

“What?”

You’re jealous.

“Of him?”

And covetous.

“Of her? Ha! No, dude. I’m good.”

I’m sure you are. I mean, you used to be the guy with the hot, famous girlfriend. And now someone else is. That wouldn’t bother me.

“I am currently not dating so I can spend some time with myself and concentrate on my music.”

Famous chicks aren’t calling back?

“No! I don’t know what the fuck happened!”

Justin Theroux snagged your job, pal. And now Petey boy here is making his play.

“I’m still hot. I’m chart-topping. Hair’s looking great.”

You’re dressed like a doofus.

“Everything I’m wearing is an important piece. This hoodie is limited edition.”

The edition should have been much more limited. Were there paparazzi at the club when you got there?

“Tons?”

For you or for them?

…

“I’m having a lovely evening with friends. These guys are comedians. Very funny people. I love seeing them because I just laugh the whole time. And then you show up and I gotta tell you: it’s like taking a baseball bat made from misery to the face. You’re simply dickish.”

Yes. Gimme the inside scoop on these two.

“They’re so hot right now. Their love gives me life. I call them Pear. PEte and ARiana. PEAR. The fandom is called Pear Bears, and if someone attacks the fandom, we give them the Pear Bear Stare. They are so sweet and they support each other and they are so lit. I live for them and I am crying.”

Are you trying to talk like a youth?

“That’s how they make me feel. I’m gonna be honest: I don’t completely understand their generation. They Like each others’ posts on Insta for foreplay.”

Yeah, the internet has rewired the young people’s brains. You think they’re gonna make it?

“Oh, God, no. The first time these two have a fight, someone’s going to jail. The authorities will be getting involved in this relationship. You can smell it.”

I concur. John?

“Yes?”

Do you keep an assortment of snacks in the dropped crotch of your sweatpants? A bag of Starburst and some Toblerones you stole from the hotel?

“Drake gave me these sweatpants.”

You should give them back.

“Y’know, I don’t have to listen to–”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“–your bullshit, and…you could have let me say my piece.”

Say my peace.

“What?”

Peace. You say your peace.

“That’s ridiculous. You say your piece. As in ‘your piece of the conversation.’ You cut me off, so I didn’t get my piece.”

No. You say your peace because the peace is the last part of the argument. It’s your conclusion, and after that will be peace. It’s a statement of truce.

“That’s as wrong as putting mayonnaise on a duck.”

When you were eating the duck?

“No, in the park or wherever. Hang out at ponds and give the ducks bread crumbs. When they come to you: SHMRP you slap a cooking spoon’s worth of mayo on their backs.”

Is that wrong?

“How could that possibly be right? In no society throughout history has that been acceptable behavior.”

But now we come to the categorical split of “immoral” and “weird.”

“Ah, but we–”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“–must realize…you suck.”

I don’t wanna talk philosophy. Pick up the phone.

“I got an assortment of snacks in my dropcrotch for you, buddy.”

You’re telling me to suck your dick?

“I am. Not in a sexual way.”

Cool. Answer the phone.

…

“John is on.”

“Wow, that’s great. That’s great. Really creative way of saying hello, y’know? The energy in it! I liked it a lot.”

“This voice sounds incredibly familiar.”

“It was featured in Rango, which I’m very proud of. The character was a lizard, a desert reptile, and I said: put him in Hunter Thompson’s clothes. And then I did my impression of Hunter. That’s what a producer does.”

“I know what a producer does. Is this Johnny Depp?”

“Present. I gotta ask you one thing: I know your name is John, but Billy was calling you ‘Josh.’ Is that what you like to be called?”

“John’s fine. Wait. Billy? Billy Kreutzmann?”

“Is that how it’s spelled?”

“You know Billy?”

“He was a guest aboard my personal submarine, the Chickawonna, which was named after the Native American tribe I lied about being from when I did that movie with the bird on my head. John, I feel like we’ve bonded and I’m free to be free with you.”

“Absolutely.”

“Please let me buy you some accessories. You’re almost naked.”

“I’m fine. I have a watch.”

“I have three watches. I’m covered in watches. Where are your bandanas?”

“This is not a bandana-appropriate outfit, Johnny Depp.”

“That’s just defeatist. You’re just giving up. There’s bloodsuckers out there, This business conspires against us, the artist, and tries to set us against each other. So here’s why I’m calling: I’m taking your place in Dead & Company.”

“Oh, I had a feeling this would be stupid.”

“Now, I want to explain myself to you. I could have just taken the position without talking to you. Or, you know, had my assistant do it or whatever. But I don’t want there to be hard feelings, so I thought I’d call and do this mano to mano. Maybe we should get a drink or nine. Where are you?”

“New York. You?”

“I am always in Los Angeles. When I am in France, Moscow, Antibes: I am in Los Angeles. I exist in Permanent LA now, John. I carry her with me.”

“You okay, Johnny?”

“I am becoming pure. I am ascending.”

“How drunk are you?”

“It’s wine. I’m not drunk. I’m classy.”

“Okay. So: no, we cannot meet for a drink. And you cannot replace me in Dead & Company because you can’t be around Bobby. You would be a bad influence.”

“I’m internationally known as a bad boy, yes. John, this doesn’t have to be ugly. Let’s part this situation as newfound friends. Let me buy you a house.”

“No, thank you.”

“Let me buy you six houses.”

“That’s just a weird offer to make.”

“Have you ever been on a blimp? Let me come pick you up in my blimp and we’ll discuss what it would take to make the transition smooth. Then, I’ll give you the blimp.”

“What would I do with a blimp?”

“Float.”

“Johnny Depp, you cannot replace me in Dead & Company just because…wait, did Billy actually agree to it?”

“Quite readily. He was excited and full of passion.”

“Had he recently been given a large sum of money?”

“Quite recently.”

“There ya go. Johnny, no. This is not going to work. I love being in Dead & Company. We’re starting to sound real good. And it’s a healthy profit center. Can’t lie, buddy.”

“Then go enjoy it! How many houses do you own right now. At this instant?”

“Two and an apartment in New York.”

“Go buy ten more houses. How many cars you have?”

“Ten? I think I have ten.”

“Cash out, brother. Say goodbye to the jam band, let me step in, and go buy yourself a man’s amount of cars. Ask me how many I got.”

“How many–”

“I got no fucking idea how many cars I got, John Mayer. Because I’m an artist. You’re holding yourself back, man. Okay, here’s my final offer: we trade bands.”

“What? You have a band? Like, you hire some local kids to come by and jam with you?”

“We’re playing the Montreaux Jazz Festival this year.”

“That sounds fun. Better than going to Oregon, actually. And this band of yours is called what?”

“Hollywood Vampires.”

“Uh-huh. And in this band is whom?”

“Alice Cooper and Joe Perry and three other guys in black jeans.”

“Pass.”

“Alice is better than ever.”

“Agreed, but still gonna pass. I don’t wanna be a Hollywood Umpire–”

“Vampire.”

“–and you can’t be in Dead & Company.”

“Guitar duel.”

“No.”

“These are the rules. I didn’t make them up. Rock and Roll must be obeyed, man! I challenge you to a guitar duel for your job in Dead & Company. This is life, John! This is how it works!”

“It absolutely isn’t.”

“A herd of bison. I will trade you a herd of bison for your job. These are healthy, American animals.”

“I’m hanging up.”

“I’m not giving up.”

“Of course you’re not.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES NO LONGER DO THAT

“I’ll say this: I wasn’t threatened with kidnapping or assassination, actually murdered, eaten by time-displaced dinosaurs, mind-controlled by Trump, or had my Earthroamer befouled by various living and dead Grateful Deads. It was just a weird phone call. So, you know: better than everything else.”

Good point.

“And he called me John Mayer. At this point, I’d have listened to him if he went full-on anti-Semite.”

Sure.