Two Quick, And Entirely Irrelevant, Listings

Movies you can pretend didn’t happen

• The Prequels.
• Godfather III.
• All of the Alien movies except the first two.
• All of the Terminator movies except the first two.
• All of the Predator movies except the first one.
• Fourth Indiana Jones film.
• Any recent remake of an 80’s classic, such as Robocop, Total Recall, or Ghostbusters. (You already forgot that Total Recall with Colin Ferrell existed, didn’t you?)

They’re works of fiction; you can decide on their validity. Live in a world where these movies just don’t exist.

(Predator is the worst of the lot: half the fun was that they didn’t go into who was the Predator was. He was an alien. There’s the bit in the spacecraft at the beginning, so we know he’s an alien. He’s got a laser rifle with rather aesthetic sights. And he’s invisible until halfway through the film, and then you don’t get a real good look at him until the end. Which was perfect. “There’s a big, scary thing in the woods, and a hero will defeat it.” You need to know who the hero is, but the monster’s backstory isn’t necessary.

Until 20th Century Fox realized they had a hit, and they’ve been shoveling out Predator-related shit ever since. FIVE sequels. All of which develop an entirely unneeded and ludicrous backstory about the Predators that no one asked for; they have also fought Xenomorphs. I believe, but am not sure, that in one installment, humans ventured to the Predator homeworld of Predatoria.)

Everything I have managed to glean from the World Cup

• That Mo Salah, huh?
• England is cray, huh?
• The teams should compete in something other than soccer once in a while; the same game gets monotonous.
• How about one of the rounds is volleyball?
• Or a Battle of the Network Stars-type games, with running and obstacle courses and racing kayaks in a pool?
• What about mathletics?
• Yes, these World Cuppers are physically fit, but what about mentally?
• That Ronaldo guy is too fucking pretty.