Pontifical Health Radius

Hey, Pope Francis. Whatcha doing?

“I’m-a tryin’ not to cry. Is-a sad. Look at all-a this. Should be all-a full with-a da people. They-a come together to love-a da Jesus with me, but not no more. Is-a breakin’ my heart.”

Ah, man. I’m sorry, Your Holiness. How does the Pope deal with sorrow?

“I-a pray.”

Sure.

“And I eat-a da ice cream. When-a dis is all over, there’s gonna be a roly-poly Pope.”

We’ve all been stress-eating. What’s your favorite flavor?

“I like-a da Death By Chocolate, but I can-a only eat vanilla.”

Why?

“All-a my clothes is-a white.”

I guess.

“I’m gonna have to let-a my cassock out a little.”

Are you following the doctor’s recommendations, Your Holiness?

“Si, si. Am-a self-isolating. Between-a you and me? Not-a that tough to do when you live in-a da Vatican. One bedroom apartment? Very difficult. You go-a da stir crazy. But I got a whole country here. Is-a no bad.”

Is it really just you in there?

“No, no. Benedict is-a here, too. Can I make-a da confession to you?”

I don’t know if that’s how it works, Your Holiness.

“Which one of us is-a da Pope?’

You.

“Then don’t-a tell me how da rules go. I know-a da rules. I make-a da confession. You ready?”

I am ready, my son.

“Dont-a get cute.”

Sorry. You clearly have something you want to get off your chest. You can absolutely share it with me.

“Grazi, grazi. Here is-a my confession: If-a da corona don’t kill him, I will.”

Benedict?

“Si, si. He’s-a drivin’ me nuts. Every day he got-a da new theory. On Monday, he say that da Chinese do it. On Tuesday, he say that da Chinese was-a framed by-a da Knights Templar. On Wednesday, he say that there ain’t no Chinese. So I says to him If there ain’t-a no China, then how come there’s spare ribs in-a da fridge? And you know-a what he says?”

What?

“He said he eat-a da spare ribs!”

Oh, he’s the worst.

“I was-a lookin’ forward to those! Put-a my name on-a da tupperware and-a everything.”

I’m sorry, Your Holiness.

“Grazi, grazi. And he has-a da guests!”

Pope Benedict is having guests during self-isolation?

“Si, si. His-a whole clique. They all…how you say…bitchy little twinks? Is-a this right?”

Yeah, I think that’s the right phrase.

“They drink-a da quarantinis and yell at-a da teevee. They watch-a that show where-a da men in dresses are mean to each other.”

RuPaul’s Drag Race.

“I no like-a that show.”

You’re not the demographic.

“No, no.”

You watch Tiger King?

“Hey, I’m-a da Pope, I’m not dead. Of course I watch-a da Joe Exotic.”

What did you think, Your Holiness?

“That guy needs-a da Jesus. I know I say that about everyone, but I-a mean it this time.”

Good call. Are there any Bible verses that you think would help us keep our spirits up right now, Pope Francis?

“Si, si. And is-a da short one, so you can-a remember easy. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

That was just exactly perfect.

“Si, si. Is-a from Galatians.”

Galatian? Wow, deep cut.

“I know-a two things: the Bible, and that-a da lady on the show fed her husband to-a da tigers.”

Bless you, Pope Francis.

“Bless us all, always, but-a especially now.”