- Meth-related incident.
- Publix-related incident.
- Hurricane-related incident. (This metric does not count those who died as a direct result of the storm’s effects. Instead, this category is for the victims of hurricane party massacres, and folks who set up their generators in the living room and asphyxiate, and all the battery-eaters. Every hurricane, Floridians buy up all the batteries in the state, and every hurricane, a small-but-not-tiny percentage of said Floridians eat the batteries. The Health Department runs PSA warning not to on the news every night, but there’s no getting through to some people.)
- Plowed into on 441 by a 82-year-old in a Lexus SUV whose mask went up over her eyes.
- Carl Hiassen-esque hijinks.
- Beheaded in Space Mountain.
- Attack Baby. (Florida is chockablock full of Attack Babies. They’re like Drop Bears, but babies. If you encounter one, go all-out. Do not pull your punches with an Attack Baby! Running should be your first choice, but if you’re forced to tangle with one of the malicious little droolers: Apply as much force as you can muster.)
- Drunkenly crash into a light pole, wander confused from car, fall into a canal, get et up by gators.
- Go out for a evening walk, stray too close to a lake, get et up by gators.
- Bolt every door, lock every window, activate the security system, and yet still get et up by gators while you sleep.
- .45 caliber-sized hole punched in your skull while you’re reading the Sun-Sentinel on your lanai because your neighbor is allowed to set up a fully-operational gun range in his yard. (This one’s not a joke. An honest argument can be conducted regarding the topic of the worst state, but Florida is inarguably the stupidest state.)
- Oh, God, the polo ponies are loose.
- Poisoned Cuban sandwich.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
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Basketcase was a good book. Warren Z apparently offered input, pretty cool. Off topic; my own version of theres always a Dead connection. 12 years old, myself and my best buddy at the time decided we’re going to be musicians. I buy a guitar, convince him to buy a bass. my brother plays drums, we start a band. anyway, my friend the bass player gets very good. at 18 he’s Arlo’s touring bass player. (Arlo and his son Abe are part of our local music scene) fast forward a number of years and my buddy is Josh Myers bass player for about the past decade. Sean Hurley. my proudest moment was watching him play truckin with Josh and Bobby when Josh was guest hosting on one of the late night shows. theres always a Dead connection, but i digress. . . .
Carl Hiassen is fun, but he’s got nothing on Tim Dorsey’s Serge Storms character ways to die (or be killed) in Florida. Serge imparts lethal and inventive vengeance upon those who violate his a strong sense of justice, and though he usually leaves a way out for the intended, nobody ever has succeeded in not dying. Serge’s love for Florida history is typically exhaustive and entertaining and often leads him into fun quests. No Dead connection that I’m aware of (though one of the series is named “No Sunscreen for the Dead”), but his sidekick Coleman is a drug-boozled waster, FWIW.