CELL PHONE NOISE
CELL PHONE NOISE
“Mayer of Funkytown.”
“Oh, we’re back to the kooky greetings?”
“Katy?”
“I sent for you, John Mayer! You are keeping a god waiting!”
“Wouldn’t you be a goddess?”
“Was I a presidentess, John? When I was in the Grateful Dead–”
“You were never in the Dead.”
“–was I a Grateful Deadess? People have genders, not jobs. Be aware of how language facilitates oppression at the unconscious level, John.”
“I will, I promise. Katy, what’s all that whooshing noise? Are you by a shower or something?”
“No, John. I’m flying.”
“What?”
“This is not even my final form, John.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
“I soar through the air, John! I mean, not the air-air. I’ve been inside the Luxor.”
“You’re just swooping around the atrium?”
“Yes. Plus delivering room service. You were right: the slingshotting was a terrible idea. Killed a Belgian tourist. Ironically, not with a waffle.”
“That’s not irony, Katy.
“My name is Kate-Ho-Tep! I am the legendary and feared first offspring of a crocodile and a peacock and also a river, and I am great and terrible and very cute! I am an Egyptian god who owns a casino shaped like a pyramid, and I will say what is and isn’t irony, John!”
“Fine. It’s irony.”
“Yes, I know. John, Doctor Gary aerosolized a batch of intelligence suppressant and he’s feeding it into the HVAC system. Is that illegal?”
“I don’t want to live in a world where it isn’t.”
“It’s not permanent, John. The effects wear off as soon as you leave. But while you’re here, you take the ‘surrender’ bet in Blackjack.”
“Jesus, how dumb are you making people?”
“It’s not my fault they breathe so much, John. I am the god of wearing outfits, and dating, and war. Not breathing.”
“I have a question. Assuming that all this is actually happening and you’re not hallucinating in your basement, I have one question.”
“Let’s find the answer together, John.”
“You bought the Luxor?”
“I own the Luxor now.”
…
“I know this semi-fictional universe well enough to be suspicious of your phrasing there, Katy. You couldn’t have bought a casino.”
“But I’m so rich!”
“Not casino-buyin’ rich. You didn’t buy the Luxor.”
“It’s mine. Oh, and actually: when I said I owned the Luxor ‘now,’ I was a little off. I have always owned the Luxor.”
“How?”
“Y’know how Wally has a crush on me?”
“Dammit.”
“It’s amazing the things he can change. Didn’t even need the Time Sheath, either.”
“Well, no, that doesn’t make sense. Property ownership involves papers and documents and hard copies of stuff in file cabinets.”
“Wally had Precarious break in and switch the deeds.”
“Sure.”
“I’m a casino magnate, John. And a god. Now, your tardiness wearies me! Hasten!”
“I’m coming, I’m coming!”
“I bet you say that to all the girls.”
“I’m on my way. I stopped for one second.”
“Where are you?”
“I just stopped to get a bottle of wine.”
“How drunk were you planning on getting me, John?”
“Okay: if you can see me, then why did you ask where I was?”
“Do not question a god! Okay, come over now.”
DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE
…
CELL PHONE NOISE
CELL PHONE NOISE
“Mayer.”
“Un.”
“We doing this?”
“You got booze?”
“Yeah.”
“I got mad bitches, yo.”
“There’s women here, Kim. Don’t bring Only Korean women to Las Vegas. It’s like bringing coal to Newcastle.”
“Father invent coal.”
“Whatever. See you at the Luxor.”
“On way.
…
“Hey. Josh Meyer.”
“What?”
“You got dick like hot dog.”
“What does that even mean?”
“You know what mean.”
DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE
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