QAnon: An FAQ

Wouldn’t that be an FAQANON?

BACKHAND!

OW! This is NOT the right way to start an FAQ! People will think we’re screwing around!

Fuck ’em.

May we begin?

I don’t know, can we?

I’m just going to get on with it: What is QAnon?

The logical endpoint of decades of underfunded schools and flouridated water. Proof that thumbs were wasted on humans. The shallow end of the meme pool. When you were a child, did you ever lift up a rock to find the underside muddy and alive with creepity-crawlers?

Yes. It frightened me.

Great. Now take that rock, bash yourself in the skull five or six times with it, and start talking politics. What you have to say will undoubtedly be more coherent than QAnon.

But what is it?

Well, it all started on 4chan–

Stop. I’m out.

–when a poster going by the name of Q started leaving hints about the upcoming “storm.” Y’know what? I’m just gonna capitalize it.

If you do, then they win.

Dude, they already won. Happened almost two years ago now.

Ohhhh right, we’re living in hell.

Uh–huh. Anyway, the Storm is coming soon.

What is the Storm?

First, some backstory.

Oh, goodie. The QAnon Extended Universe.

Y’see, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, both of their families, all of the Democratic party, some of the Republican party, Steven Spielberg and the rest of the Hollywood pedophiles, the global banking elite, the CIA, the FBI, the NSA–

The Rosicrucians didn’t get in on this?

You didn’t let me finish.

Sorry.

–and the Rosicrucians are running the world

If they are, they’re doing a piss-poor job of it. And how does Basketball Head figure into this?

He’s been sent to bring about the end of this evil.

So it’s an Illuminati story mashed up with a Messiah narrative?

Basically.

The Matrix, but Trump is Neo?

Kind of.

Ugh. I’m picturing him in the coat.

Focus.

You never told me what the Storm is.

Oh, that’s the glorious day when Allfather Trump and Robert Mueller will arrest the entirety of the eeeeeeeevil coven of ladies and Jews and lady-Jews that run the world, and also Steven Spielberg, and throw them all in Guantanamo.

They worked Gitmo into this? Man, they’re rebooting everything.

It’s a great location! And it’s got that nostalgia vibe going for it.

The 00’s are so hot right now. Good for Gitmo getting back in the game. What’s it been up to?

Same thing. Extra-judicially detaining folks.

That’s reassuring. Wait, Robert Mueller? Trump is working with Robert Mueller?

Yes.

And all the search warrants and subpoenas and arrests and indictments and plea deals?

Misdirection.

What with the who now?

It’s a classic con. Did you ever see The Sting?

No.

Then it’s just like The Sting. 

What if I had seen it?

I would have found a movie you hadn’t.

Let’s just move on.

Let us.

Who is this Q person?

Q reputes to be a high-ranking government official.

Is he?

It’s sexist of you to assume it’s a he.

I am quite sure that women don’t want to take credit for this one.

Touche. He is almost certainly not a high-ranking government official. Or a high-ranking anything. It is doubtful that his job involves ranks in the slightest. Again: this started on 4chan.

Right, right. 

Anyway, this Q fellow has broken the whole thing wide open and he’s letting his followers in on the dirty details before they happen. Tell the truth, tho the heavens may fall.

Oh, he makes predictions?

Yes.

Does he get many right?

No. And the ones he does are obvious, like “foreseeing” that Turnip will talk about the Electoral College at a certain rally.

But he’s gotta do the Electoral College riff. It would be like the Stones not playing Satisfaction.

You’re preaching to the choir here, buddy.

One question.

Shoot.

According to QAnon, Trump is secretly in charge in the country?

Yes.

Isn’t he actually in charge?

Ask Q, man.