A reader writes…
Dear TotD,
Good morning, or afternoon, or evening, or perhaps you have bathed the stink of time from your skin and now exist all at once. I do so enjoy your semi-regular semi-humor. It has become the only non-terrifying part of the internet. Kudos!
Allow me to get to the point: My name is Pretty Albert Cookies, and I am a professional sporting gentleman. I love making connections between people! To this end, I now find myself trapped at home with four women whose affections I professionally manage. It has been three weeks, and they are colluding furiously. I fear mutiny.
TotD, how can I maintain my pimp hand under quarantine?
Dictated But Not Read,
Pretty Albert Cookies.
And I respond…
Dear Pretty Albert Cookies,
Time still enslaves me, but thank you for believing my will ferocious enough to buck its chains.
I will get right to your query, as it concerns your pimp hand, which is the more important of hands. Had your letter referenced your unpimped hand, it may have been tossed aside, but I believe in the sanctity of the pimp hand and will always assist a brother in need.
Two paths lay before us: the physical and the emotional. Do not neglect the physical, Pretty Albert Cookies! When was the last time you went upside someone’s head? Or stood over one of your associates with your pimp hand cocked threateningly? When I was a little boy, my grandma used to say to me TotD, keeping a pimp hand strong is not like a riding a bicycle. Man, I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about. But Grandma was right. Some muscle memory is long-term, others is short-term.
Your emotional pimp hand must also be exercised. Have you tried waking them up while wearing a scary wolfman mask? And screaming, of course. GRRRRROWL! I’M A WOLFMAN! you’d yell, and that would be so very frightening to wake up to. If you wake someone up like that, you have the upper hand in the conversation that day. What about dangling them out windows? Nothing gets women to behave–
No. No, no, no. Put an end to this.
–like dangling ’em out windows. WHAT?
I’m calling this one. It’s over. No more.
YOU CAN’T TALK TO ME WHEN I’M IN BLOCK QUOTES!
Shut the fuck up right now.
An important component of the equation has not been given to Pretty Albert Cookies. While the pimp hand is indeed an instrument of necessity, overlooking the accouterments available for the pimp hand is like sending a young man to the front lines of battle with only the shaft of a spear, without sharp pokey spear head which delivers potentially mortal stabbings, perforations and aeration. Will only the hilt of a sword do the job ? Hardly threatening and certainly limited in what damage may be inflicted. A rifle without a trigger ? A missile without propellant ? All dangerous items on paper, but implementation is sorely limited. No, my friend, PIMP KNUCKLES are required for the pimp hand. Whether refined with adornments of rhinestones or Swarovski crystals, or tectonic plate pressure generated carbon nuggets cut and polished to a brilliant sparkle, or even simply shaped in the rudimentary but effective shape of the street fighters brass variant, PIMP KNUCKLES are requires.
Shame on you for weak and incomplete advice. The words of the omnipotent commentator should have been overruled.
Carry on.