Raiders Of The Lost Wife

Duuuuuuude.

“Is-a not what-a you think.”

You gotta make sure the staff is the right length.

“I’m-a not looking for-a da Well of Souls.”

You totally are. The sun shines through the jewel in the middle of the doohickey and illuminates the location of the Ark of the Covenant.

“Did-a you get all your history from-a da 80’s action movies?”

Yes.

“You should-a read more.”

The Bible?

“Anything. Any book you can-a find.”

You always have good advice. Um, Your Holiness, can I ask a question and you have to promise not to get mad?

“You can-a no ask me about-a da Papal Underwear no more. Is-a getting creepy.”

Not about that.

“Shoot-a.”

Your staff.

“Is-a called ferula. Means-a ‘rod’ in Latin.”

…

“Stop-a giggling.”

Sorry.

“Is-a like talking to-a da six-year-old.”

I really apologize.

“I-a forgive you.”

Thank you. So, the ferula…well…it just looks kinda…

“Pagan as-a all getout?”

That’s what I was trying to say, yes.

“Si, si. Is-a…how you say…syncretic as fuck.”

Language, Your Holiness.

“I-a forgive me. Catholic Church ain’t-a da separate thing. Evolved from-a what came-a before. And what-a came after? That evolved from-a da Church.”

Christ, iterated.

“Si, si. Is all-a da same thing.”

“Your Fanciness.”

“Ah, basta.”

Who’s that, Your Holiness? Is it Benedict?

“No, no. Is-a so much worse than-a Benedict.”

Who?

“I vant to redecorate my apartments. There is not enough gold.”

“She just-a showed up.”

Oh, no, Pope Francis. This is no good. You gotta get rid of her.

“I can no throw her out! Would cause-a da international incident!”

I guess.

“Plus, somebody done taught her ‘Sanctuary.’ She been-a yelling it real loud for two-a days.”

Probably Benedict.

“Si, si. He-a been right by her creepy side. They-a sit inna da cafeteria and-a make fun of da nuns. They make-a Sister Loretta cry! Is-a not her fault she’s a big girl! Is-a no nice!”

No. Melania is not nice at all.

“I gotta get rid of her.”

Yes, you do, but don’t send her back to the Dead.

“Don’t give-a da Pope orders.”

Sorry. Please don’t send her back to the Dead.

“That’s-a better.”