- Ooh, the green bullshit.
- Digi-zop, digi-zap.
- Remember the green bullshit from the first one that you loved?
- Here’s more.
- And remember that film-opening action scene with Trinity you loved?
- Here’s more.
- Perhaps the Matrix sequels can be read as commentary on the state of sequeldom.
- Or seen more plainly as the mixed-up files of two directors who had taken too many mushrooms and not been given enough time.
- (Although, having seen most of the rest of the Wachowskis’ oeuvre, a lack of time may not have been the problem.)
- Carrie-Anne Moss’ face should be carved on the front of pirate ships.
- Okay, so apparently Neo and Trinity and Lawrence Fishburne have returned to Zion.
- Wait.
- No they haven’t.
- They met the other pilots in the Matrix to discuss going back to Zion.
- In the Real World, everyone’s in their hover-ships patrolling through the Desert of the Real.
- Meeting in the Matrix is kinda like a group chat.
- Or Second Life.
- Remember Second Life?
- There are probably tens of thousands of people in Second Life right now.
- Wait.
- Shush.
- Keanu’s fighting Agents.
- And then flying away in a PS3 cutscene.
- From a CGI perspective, 2003 was a very long time ago.
- The ships look good, and so does the massive dock set.
- My, this is dramatic.
- This movie is trying to be Star Wars as hard as it can right now.
- All the shirts without collars, and vests.
- They have not gone Full Star Wars and put Lawrence Fishburne in a cape, but maybe they should have.
- The Matrix came out in 1999, and Restitution and Recompulsion came out in 2003; in the years between, Lawrence Fishburne sat in his kitchen and ate cake.
- People brought it to him–his family, friends, business associates–and he ate it.
- Angel’s food, devil’s food, ice cream.
- The man sat there and ate cake.
- And he’s being yelled at by a black superior.
- Heroes in action movies get yelled at by black superiors.
- Black heroes in action movies will occasionally be yelled at by Joe Pantoliano, but usually black heroes get yelled at by black guys, too.
- Hey, it’s Patrick McGoohan.
- Ugh, The Prisoner.
- Yeah, yeah, you’re into the occult and you love The Prisoner.
- Y’know what?
- I’m calling that a cape.
- A declaration of capitude has been issued.
- The Wachowskis have gone Full Star Wars.
- Oh, Lord, there is a rave.
- 100 years into the future, early 2000’s EDM will be still be fashionable.
- HUMPING.
- SEXUAL HUMPING WITH KEANU AND LADY KEANU.
- Goodness, is this the movie with the kung fu and the robots?
- Why is there Burning Man in my gun-fighting picture?
- NIPPLES?
- Jesus Christ, I find this disreputable.
- Disreputable as hell.
- Think you’re getting involved with a decent picture, a family picture, and now it’s Sodom and Gomorrah up there.
- And a male butt crack?
- Someone throw eggs at the producers of this film.
- How dare you?
- Hey, Patrick McGoohan’s back.
- The Prisoner was a BBC series from the 60’s or 70’s, back when the BBC would air drug-soaked nonsense, and the show was full of occult references and mystery bullshit, and all the British comic book writers of the era loved it: Alan Moore, Warren Ellis, Grant Morrison.
- Especially that last guy.
- Go buy this; you’ll thank me.
- We’ll get back to Grant Morrison; Keanu is fighting.
- Knick!
- Knack!
- Paddywhack!
- So much kicking and slapping and sturming and dranging.
- Keanu has earned the respect of the Kung Fu Chinaman, and is now taken to the Oracle, who is literally a Magical Negro.
- A racial reading of these films is thus: POC help a clueless white boy do the thing he’s supposed to do.
- However, Keanu transcends race.
- And why think when you can watch him fight Hugo Weaving?
- MOVIE I WOULD PAY TO SEE: Karate Robots voiced by Hugo Weaving and James Spader; they fight a little bit, just enough to keep things interesting, but mostly they just bitchily fling dialogue back and forth.
- Ugh, they’re fighting again down in the Uncanny Valley.
- Stop that!
- Knock it off down there?
- It’s Keanu versus a hundred Hugo Weavings and everything’s stupid and rubbery and Keanu’s a literal god in this universe so him having a fist-fight doesn’t make any sense.
- Nonsense, all of it.
- None of this is sensical.
- The effects aren’t finished.
- This was not the best they could have done in 2003.
- The best they could have done in 2003 was remove from the film the shots in which Keanu looks as though he were rendered on a TRS-80.
- Wow.
- My emojis have better rendering than this now.
- Matrix: Rehabilitations, your render rate is sub-fucking-par, and I call you out on that shit.
- Oy vey, Patrick McGoohan again.
- We get it, guys.
- All hail Eris.
- The humans have some sort of ruling council, and Cornel West is part of it.
- Cornel West wants Jada Pinkett-Smith to go find Lawrence Fishburne.
- And he wants Obama to go fuck himself.
- Whatever Cornel West wants, he also wants Obama to go fuck himself.
- It’s like how Cato the Elder was with Carthage.
- Back in the Matrix at a restaurant where Eurotrash hang out.
- A guy with a very French face and Monica Belluci and her very Italian boobs are there, and he says stuff.
- Deep stuff.
- Deeeeeeeeeeeeep stuff.
- Post-structuralism, the Lost Head of John the Baptist, and the Myth of Persephone.
- Maaaaaaaaaaaaaan.
- Was he the Devil?
- If Monica Belluci is Persephone, then that would make the French guy Hades, who is not the Devil but close enough.
- That is racist to make the devil French.
- French people cannot help themselves from acting that way.
- The Devil has spooky-ghosts?
- Oh, are you fighting again, Keanu?
- You stopped the bullets from a dozen men’s guns.
- Surely you can Force Shove them all out of the room.
- Why are you somersaulting?
- You can fly.
- Just hover or shit.
- Or choke their carotids.
- A dozen high-caliber bullets is a lot of force.
- Mass times acceleration and all.
- That is more than enough potential energy to stop off your enemies’ arteries.
- Now Trinity is fighting the spooky-ghost, and that makes sense because she does not have super-powers in the Matrix.
- I mean, she does, but not Keanu-level.
- She cannot, for example, fly at 6,000 mph.
- So she has to become involved in a rather perilous car chase.
- Trinity and Lawrence Fishburne lure the spooky-ghosts onto the freeway.
- They are twins who are albinos.
- Albinism is the spookiest of all skin conditions.
- Port-wine stains: NOT SPOOKY.
- Eczema: NOT SPOOKY.
- Albinos: SPOOKY, INDEED.
- Sorry, albinos.
- Just the way it goes.
- I’m not saying you should be discriminated against.
- I am only asking that you not sneak up on me.
- They built a whole freeway for this scene, a quarter-mile loop that stunt drivers got their cars up to speed on.
- Trinity’s stunt double had to slalom her motorcycle through oncoming traffic, but Lawrence Fishburne got to do his fight scene in a studio and let them green screen it onto the top of a moving truck later.
- This duel is slower than the one from the first movie, cuz Lawrence Fishburne is fatter.
- That red pill was an M&M, and there were a couple more bags hidden in his leather duster.
- Crueler directors would have foleyed in the sound of huffing and puffing, but the Wachowskis do not do this.
- Now a Chinese guy is sitting in a chair saying deep shit.
- This is a problem the Matrix sequels shared with the Star Wars Prequels: they leaned on interminable scenes of people sitting in chairs saying stuff.
- Oh, now Keanu and Trinity are sitting on a bed saying stuff.
- Shut the fuck up, Matrix.
- This movie won’t stop talking.
- Now they’re interlacing shots of Jada Picnic-Smith kicking cops in the face over the talking, but the talking won’t stop.
- Wait.
- No.
- A power station just exploded.
- Is there a heist?
- Keanu, Lawrence Fishburne, and a Chinese guy are in some sort of hallway, but now Trinity has to drive a Ducati into the 60th floor of a skyscraper.
- Sweet Moses, there are Smiths coming out of every door!
- Why doesn’t Keanu just…
- …
- …
- …
- …I’m tired.
- Matrix: Rabbitredux, you have wearied me.
- Why is Superman sparring with Stormtroopers?
- Just chop their heads off with your mind control ray-beams, you freaky monster.
- Ah!
- Colonel Sanders in a Best Buy!
- The Architect is the boss of the Matrix, I suppose, and he mumbos and jumbos for a while.
- Various illuminated themes are brought up, admired, discarded.
- Is it admirable that the Wachowskis got Gnostic philosophy in a major motion picture?
- Sure.
- It is entertaining?
- OH MY GOD NO
- STOP EXPLAINING THE NATURE OF GOD, MOVIE
- You’re not good at it.
- Robert Anton Wilson was better, and he had more dick jokes.
- The Architect just told Keanu that he could save the world or his girlfriend.
- Which astute viewers will note is the choice given Spider-Man by the Green Goblin in the first Sam Raimi flick.
- You hear a lot of big words being thrown around by characters in clean clothes, and so you think these are smart movies, but they aren’t.
- For example, right now on the screen Keanu is bringing Trinity back to life with the power of love.
- Astute viewers will note that Superman did the same thing in his first film, although much more extravagantly.
- Superman turned the clock back on all of reality by a few minutes.
- Keanu just reached into Trinity’s chest and tweaked her heart.
- Much more low-key Jesus figure.
- So, uh, our heroes and the guy who was in the wheelchair on Oz are back in their dingy little ship and maybe the squids blew it up?
- I think the ship blew up.
- I may have underestimated the potency of these edibles.
- Cuz I got no idea what the fuck’s happening in this movie.
- Keanu is electrocuting squids with his voodoo powers, I know that.
- For fuck’s sake, everyone’s sitting around talking again.
- Talkies were a mistake.
- Harold Lloyd was right.
- And now some Rage Against The Machine.
- Remember the Rage bullshit that you loved from the first one?
- Here’s more.
I may have underestimated the potency of these edibles.
when has anyone eaten them and NOT underestimated?
I love me some “Prisoner.” But I had no memory whatsoever that McGooooghghan was in this nonsense.
The Ewoks boycotted Zion rave for a reason, but fuck me if I can remember what.
The Invisibles was the best underground comic ever produced by one of the major labels.
I read The Invisibles in one fell swoop.
While coming down from shrooms.
I wasn’t right for two weeks.