AUGUST 17TH
8:00 PM – BERNIE SANDERS I Could Still Pull Some Bullshit If I Don’t Get Treated Well.
8:20 – ANDREW CUOMO – There’s Still A Chance Joe Strokes Out And I Get Drafted.
8:40 – GRETCHEN WHITMER – Same As Cuomo.
9:00 – JOHN KASICH – That Time I Was Such An Asshole I Got Thrown Out Of A Grateful Dead Concert.*
9:20 – MICHELLE OBAMA – Enter My Calming Presence And Be Whole, If But Briefly.
AUGUST 18TH
8:00 – CHUCK SCHUMER Barney Greengrass, The Quality Is For Nothing These Days.
8:20 – JOHN KERRY Remember Me, John Kerry?
8:40 – ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ Your Hatred Makes Me Strong.
9:00 – BILL CLINTON Ev’rybody Check Out The Yabbos On AOC? Hoo Doggie!
9:30 – DR. JILL BIDEN, PHD My Husband Is Swell, And Other Tragic Stories.
AUGUST 19TH
8:00 – NANCY PELOSI In Which I Straight-Up Call Trump An Asshole.
8:15 – ONE OF THE CASTRO TWINS Remember Us, Hispanics?
8:20 – AFRICAN-AMERICAN TBA Black Lives Matter. (Tentative.)
8:25 – HILLARY CLINTON If I Had A Long Enough Knife, I’d Slit All Your Throats, You Motherfucking Motherfuckers.
8:32 to 9:12 – Zoom’s servers get hit by a massive Russian botswarm.
9:13 – BARACK OBAMA Miss Me?
AUGUST 20TH
8:00 – GAVIN NEWSOM All This And Brains, Too.
8:20 – CORY BOOKER How To Succeed Despite People Finding You Creepy.
8:40 – KEISHA LANCE BOTTOMS They Gonna Steal Georgia. I’m Just Letting You Know Ahead Of Time.
9:00 – PETE BUTTIGIEG You Never Thought Being Gay Could Be Boring, Did You?
9:15 – KAMALA HARRIS Everyone’s Going To Jail.
9:30 – JOE BIDEN I’m Bringing Up All My Dead Kids. I’m Just Letting You Know Ahead Of Time.
9:59 – BEYONCE National Anthem (All will kneel.)
That’s some funny shit. I think you’re gonna be alright.