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The 2020 Democratic National Convention: Best And Worst

August 20, 2020 / / 2 Comments

BEST: Former President Barack Obama giving the Democratic base the red meat it had been craving from him since the day he was supplanted by Trump. His impassioned and inspiring words gave all who heard them the impetus to vote this November like they’d never voted before.
WORST: The possum attack halfway though President Obama’s speech was unfortunate. Both possums and former Presidents contain more blood than you’d imagine. Poor optics for the Dems.

BEST: The inclusion of Republican voices indicated the Democrats were now the party of the Big Tent, signalling to moderates and centrists that a Biden Administration would be one that strives to reach across the aisle and compromise.
WORST: Colin Powell’s weird rant about “re-invading Iraq.” Is that even possible? I guess we’ll find out.

BEST: The delightful and joyous celebration of America in all her regional glory that was the Roll Call. Each state appeared in its own video, highlighting their idiosyncrasies and playful goofiness, tho weighed down by the burden of history. Sure, we’re Americans. But the country is the United States.
WORST: The delegate from Idaho shouldn’t have taken his balls out. I know he was trying to make a point about potatoes, but I disagree with his storytelling choices. His balls were really hairy, too, and potatoes shouldn’t be hairy at all, so it was a just a total fiasco.

BEST: Bill Clinton, for a small segment of Gen-Xer’s who, despite all evidence, still feel an affection towards the man they know as Bubba, who played saxophone on a chitty-chat show one time.
WORST: Bill Clinton, for everyone else.

BEST: Joe Biden’s personal stories of loss, faith, and struggle resonate with hard-working, red-blooded Americans.
WORST: Holy shit, Joe Biden’s life is depressing. The guy’s cursed or something.

BEST: Rating are up 40% from 2016!
WORST: That was a lie. The ratings are terrible because no one wants to watch iPhone videos of non-performers giving speeches to their backyards. The balloons were the point. We mock the balloons, but the National Conventions were–and had been for 50 years–teevee shows with a specific and well-evolved quality of production. The show had expectations to meet: the shots of dancing uggos in the audience, the pontificating nonces in the press booth, the quadrennial speech that train-wrecked, and–of course–the balloon drop. Ten-thousand red, white, and blue balloons floating down onto a packed crowd is fine teevee. John Kerry sitting alone in his kitchen is less entertaining. No one wants to watch this shit.

BEST: The Castro Brothers’ interpretive dance about the history of the labor movement. Those two move as one.
WORST: In what is known in the show business industry as a “hot mic incident,” Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar was recorded choking to death, and then gutting, a staffer. That’s just bad message discipline, and it’s the sort of thing that your opponent uses in ads. You don’t go handing your enemy swords.

BEST: Hillary Clinton laying out with lawyerly precision the danger that would arise in allowing Donald Trump a second term.
WORST: She told us how dangerous it would be to let him have a first term four years ago and nobody fucking listened, and we’ve only gotten dumber as a society since then, so hope is fool’s gold at this point. Bolt a tent to the top of your SUV and head for the Low Desert.

BETS: Gimme Fosdick’s Folly in the 3rd, My Portly Bunny in the 5th, and Valentine on the morning line.
WURST: No one crams meat into meat casings like the Germans, no one.

BTS: America doesn’t even make its own Boy Bands anymore. We gotta import ’em from Korea. That’s a sign of an empire in decline right there.
WORKS: Look upon them, you meat casing, and despair.

Yo.

Yuh-huh?

Maybe it’s time to call it a night.

For good?

No, we’re not there yet, champ. I meant hitting the hay.

Yes, please, want some.

Okay.

Overheard At The Democratic National Convention

August 18, 2020 / / 2 Comments
  • “Can we get one of the Biden grandkids to fix the Zoom? Apparently, Joe clicked on something he shouldn’t have and installed a bunch of taskbars.”
  • “I don’t care if he used to be Speaker of the House; tell Boehner to put out the damn cigarette or he’s not going in-air.”
  • “John Kasich just made all the interns cry.”
  • “The President just tweeted out ‘PAY ATTENTION TO ME OR I’LL LAUNCH THE NUKES.’ Do we need to have a response to that?”
  • “Who has eyes on Beyoncé? I need a 40 on Beyoncé.”
  • “I know you’re wearing a mask, President Clinton, but I can still see what you’re doing with your tongue.”
  • “Which Castro brother am I looking at?”
  • “Are those…wolves…wandering through the Target Center? What the fuck, man? That’s downright post-apocalyptic. I hate this fucking year, man.”
  • “John Kasich just tackled a staffer.”
  • “It’s not too late to just do four straight days of Michelle Obama. I’m right about this. Flotus wins us white women. She’s the new Oprah.”
  • “Yes, I understand that Senator Sanders was promised that he could say whatever he wanted. We’re fine with ‘Defund the police.’ But ‘Collectivize the farms’ is just a bridge too far.”
  • “Someone tell Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez that she has 35 seconds, and she will be tazed if she goes over. Meg Whitman went long.”
  • “We need an ambulance at the Biden house. One of the crew called Jil ‘Mrs. Biden’ instead of ‘Dr. Biden,’ and she went for his eyes. He really should’ve known better.”
  • “You dosed the Native American Caucus? I dosed the Native American Caucus. Jesus, how many people dosed the Native American Caucus? We should go check on them.”
  • “The staffer that John Kasich tackled called the cops, and when the cops came, John Kasich kicked one of them in the nuts. And he did it in front of his camera, so the Russians and Chinese have that footage now.”
  • “Gillis, if you mention the fucking balloons one more time, I’m gonna shit in your nostrils. We’re all sad there’s no balloons. Stop bringing it up.”
  • “Who told Billie Eilish she could give a speech instead of singing? Someone explain to me why the green-haired 19-year-old is discussing the Dodd-Frank Act.”

Schedule Of Speeches For The 2020 Democratic National Convention

August 11, 2020 / / 1 Comment

AUGUST 17TH

8:00 PM – BERNIE SANDERS I Could Still Pull Some Bullshit If I Don’t Get Treated Well.

8:20 – ANDREW CUOMO – There’s Still A Chance Joe Strokes Out And I Get Drafted.

8:40 – GRETCHEN WHITMER – Same As Cuomo.

9:00 – JOHN KASICH – That Time I Was Such An Asshole I Got Thrown Out Of A Grateful Dead Concert.*

9:20 – MICHELLE OBAMA – Enter My Calming Presence And Be Whole, If But Briefly.

 

AUGUST 18TH

8:00 – CHUCK SCHUMER Barney Greengrass, The Quality Is For Nothing These Days.

8:20 – JOHN KERRY Remember Me, John Kerry?

8:40 – ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ Your Hatred Makes Me Strong.

9:00 – BILL CLINTON Ev’rybody Check Out The Yabbos On AOC? Hoo Doggie!

9:30 – DR. JILL BIDEN, PHD My Husband Is Swell, And Other Tragic Stories.

 

AUGUST 19TH

8:00 – NANCY PELOSI In Which I Straight-Up Call Trump An Asshole.

8:15 – ONE OF THE CASTRO TWINS Remember Us, Hispanics?

8:20 – AFRICAN-AMERICAN TBA Black Lives Matter. (Tentative.)

8:25 – HILLARY CLINTON If I Had A Long Enough Knife, I’d Slit All Your Throats, You Motherfucking Motherfuckers.

8:32 to 9:12 – Zoom’s servers get hit by a massive Russian botswarm.

9:13 – BARACK OBAMA Miss Me?

 

AUGUST 20TH

8:00 – GAVIN NEWSOM All This And Brains, Too.

8:20 – CORY BOOKER How To Succeed Despite People Finding You Creepy.

8:40 – KEISHA LANCE BOTTOMS They Gonna Steal Georgia. I’m Just Letting You Know Ahead Of Time.

9:00 – PETE BUTTIGIEG You Never Thought Being Gay Could Be Boring, Did You?

9:15 – KAMALA HARRIS Everyone’s Going To Jail.

9:30 – JOE BIDEN I’m Bringing Up All My Dead Kids. I’m Just Letting You Know Ahead Of Time.

9:59 – BEYONCE National Anthem (All will kneel.)

 

 

*True story.

What You Need To Know About Super Tuesday

March 3, 2020 / / 0 Comments

JUST THE FACTS, JACK

14 states plus American Samoa. 1357 delegates at stake.

JUST THE JACK, JACK

I’m not gonna jack you off, guy.

THE WHEREFORE OF TUESDAY

One of the Scandinavian countries–they’re all the same; don’t let em’ bullshit you–has enshrined into its Constitution the right to internet access. This right is not found in our founding document, even via a really loose interpretation of the Commerce Clause, because one of the the writers of our Constitution would have thought the internet was Dire magicks, sir! and gotten scared and started hacking people to death with his sword, which he still carried because he lived a million billion years ago. Every other nation updates its operating system; we’re still running on the 1.0 code. (The Bill of Rights and the other Amendments are patches. To continue the metaphor, the Articles of Confederation was the Beta version.)

And so too is the tradition of Tuesday elections a vestigial political organ of those bygone agrarian days. Sundays were obviously out, and so were Wednesdays because that was Market Day. But the ballot box was in town, you see, and most of the citizenry (white, male) were turd farmers way out in the sticks; this required a travel day. If you do the math, that leaves Tuesdays or Fridays, and even back then Friday was seen as a less-than-serious day, and so Tuesday it was, and still is.

There have been attempts to move Election Day to Saturday, or to designate it a federal holiday; these attempts have been deemed “commie bullshit.”

LINE ‘EM UP 

Alabama, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Minnesota, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, and Virginia.

LIME ‘EM UP

That would be a great slogan for Corona, assuming the company survives the virus. Remember Ayds?

It was chocolate with a little bit of speed in it; they marketed it to ladies who wanted to lose a few pounds, but in 1980 or so the name became a liability.

“Surely,” Kevin Ayds, owner of Ayds, Inc. said to his Board of Directors, “the public can’t be so dumb. They’ll know we have nothing to do with AIDS.”

And since the Board was made up entirely of Kevin’s dipstick cousins, it agreed with him.

I guarantee you they’re talking about Ayds at the Corona brewery right now.

LICK IT UP

TotD has had sex in 14% of the Super Tuesday states, which is not a great percentage, but it was a a lot of sex. And they were all hot. I didn’t take my gift gallivanting; I sheltered in place and let the loving come my way. My, my, my said the spider to the fly.

Dude, I can’t with you.

Whaaaat?

Stop giving people the shkeeves.

They love it. They clamor for it. This is content no one else is providing.

For a good reason! 

I’m the voice of my generation, and I’m ignoring you and changing the subject.

LET IT LOOSE

Let it all come down.

LIMPOPO HOAGIE 

Impala and banana on rye bread, toasted.

LINDBERGH BABY

Right behind you!

A Partial Transcript Of The Nevada Democratic Debate, 2/19/20

February 19, 2020 / / 1 Comment

“Good evening, America, and welcome back to the 197th in an infinite series of Democratic Debates. My name is Lester Holt, and your mom probably has a crush on me. Tonight, we are in Las Vegas, Nevada on the cusp of the nation’s third primary. Andrew Yang has dropped out, but we do have a new face behind the podium, former Mayor of New York City, Michael Bloomberg.”

“Lester, I’ll give you half-a-million dollars to make everyone else’s questions harder.”

“Stop that. I do want to add that we apologize for the late start. The DNC gave all the candidates the wrong address. Tough to overstate how incompetent the national Democrats are, folks. Anyway, let’s start off with Senator Bernie Sanders.”

“I marched for your people, Lester.”

“You’ve mentioned it before. Senator, you are 80 years old and recently had a heart attack. Will you be providing the public with any more details about your health?”

“Health is good. Listen, listen, don’t worry about my heart. Very solid in there. No crust, no gunk, real strong. The people don’t need to see any of my medical records. What the people need is to join a worker’s collective.”

“Yes, but you can understand why there are concerns about your health?”

“I have to say that this line of questioning is racist.”

“What now?”

“Like when everyone noodged Obama about his birth certificate. This is just like that. Asking to see any sort of documentation is racist.”

“I don’t think it is.”

“Lester, I wanna talk about Medicare For All.”

“Fine. How are you going to pay for it?”

“Except that part. I wanna talk about all the aspects of Medicare For All except that part. Did you know that, with my plan, all illegal immigrants receive free root canals?”

“Really?”

“Yes. Trump wants to build a wall, I want to give out dental bridges.”

“Interesting. We now go to the Senator from Massachusetts, Elizabeth Warren.”

“Lester, let me interrupt you to say that Mike Bloomberg is the fucking devil. I’m not gonna sugar-coat it. Me and my staff, we whipped up a dozen clever lines about what a sleazy, greedy, racist, autocratic putz he is, but I’m calling an audible and just saying it plainly. He’s the motherfucking devil.”

“Okay.”

“THE DEVIL!”

“You all right, Senator Warren?”

“I’ve lost whatever sense of humor I had coming into this. I don’t mind losing to a commie, but not to Wall Street Smurf.”

“Understood. Next question is for Pete Buttigieg, mayor of South Bend, Illinois.”

“Indiana, Lester.”

“Same shit, different highway. Mayor Pete, all the other candidates in the race support some variation of universal health care, whereas you keep using the phrase Medicare for those who want it. What is the difference?”

“Mine sounds much better. You have to admit that.”

“I don’t. Would your plan eliminate private health insurance?”

“Oh, God, no. Think of the jobs. People’s health is one thing, but it’s not as important as the economy’s health.”

“Uh-huh.”

“What Senator Sanders and Warren is proposing would basically set America on fire. Y’know what? Not ‘basically.’ Literally. Remember what happened to Australia last month? That. The whole country would literally be on fire if socialists are allowed to interfere with an insurance company’s right to insert itself in between you and your doctor.”

“I don’t know if that’s a right.”

“Which one of us was a Rhodes Scholar?”

“You.”

“There ya go. Also, I heard that Bernie Sanders is only staying alive via transfusions of intern blood.”

“This is not true! This is not a true statement! I do not require such procedures!”

“Pete! Bernie! Knock it off! I am now going to speak with the Senator from Minnesota, Amy Klobuchar. Amy, you’re still here.”

“I resent your tone, Lester.”

“It’s just sweet how you’re not letting your lack of charisma hold you back.”

“Every time you say a mean thing, I beat another staff member tonight. So that’s all on your head, Les.”

“Senator, who is the President of Mexico?”

“No clue.”

“How about the Prime Minister of Canada?”

“The hunky dumb one.”

“What about Italy?”

“God only knows who’s in charge over there.”

“Okay, I’ll give you that one. Would you like to tell Mike Bloomberg to go fuck himself?”

“I would.”

“Go ahead.”

“Go fuck yourself, Mike.”

“Great. Mayor Bloomberg, hello.”

“Hello, Lester. Have you been frisked?”

“No.”

“I’d prefer if you were. Just for my own safety.”

“Absolutely not.”

“I’ll give you a million dollars to let Biden frisk you.”

“Oh, wow. I totally forgot Joe Biden was here.”

…

“Has he fallen asleep?”

“Apparently. Mayor Bloomberg, you’ve come into the race recently and been spending a lot of money.”

“I have so much.”

“Yes. Will you release your tax returns?”

“Oh, they’re boring. No one wants to see them.”

“I believe they do.”

“Nah. What people want is for Robert Downey, Jr. to play Iron Man again. Elect me president, and I’ll pay Robert Downey, Jr. to come back as Iron Man.”

“He’s aged out of the role..”

“Nah, they’ll shmear the computer stuff on his face like in the Scorsese movie. And I’ll have him fight Batman.”

“Those are two entirely different companies, Mayor.”

“I’ll buy them both. They’ll fight.”

“Lester! Lester!”

“Yes, Senator Warren?”

“He’s THE FUCKING DEVIL.”

“You’ve mentioned.”

“Lester, I want to conclude my statement.”

“Go ahead, Mayor Bloomberg.”

“I will give every American citizen $100 to vote for me. In cash. Straight cash, homie, as your people say. I could do it and still have $20 billion left over.”

…

“Oh, God, you actually could.”

“BECAUSE HE’S THE FUCKING DEVIL!”

“Settle down, Liz! We’re going to a commercial. Someone wake up Biden.”

Thoughts On The Democratic Debate Without Having Watched It

July 31, 2019 / / 1 Comment
  • Ooh, what fine podia.
  • Do they have to custom-make those?
  • Or is there a wholesaler?
  • Does the podium wholesaler also have lecterns in stock, or does he specialize?
  • No one called for a general strike.
  • Bunch of pussies.
  • Che would have called for a general strike.
  • Of course, that was his response to everything.
  • Someone steals his morning paper?
  • General strike.
  • No mojo sauce for the fried plantains?
  • General strike.
  • Commie Grandpa is closest to Che, I suppose, but I do not think Bernie would line political enemies and homosexuals up against a wall and shoot them.
  • He’s not that type of commie, or grandpa.
  • The man is not my pick for the nomination, but I can’t accuse him of that.
  • Now, Kamala Harris?
  • Kamala Harris would absolutely line motherfuckers along a brick wall and open up a mini-gun on them.
  • And she’d figure out a way for Caliburn International to make a profit from it.
  • Did Marianne Williamson reveal the Orb of Tinath’e?
  • Because she shouldn’t even know what the Orb is, let alone have possession of it.
  • The woman is not a trained sorceress; she got famous as a guest on Oprah.
  • You wouldn’t give Doctor fucking Phil the Doublet of Reticulation, would you?
  • Last time the Orb got into the hands of a ninny was 1582, and Pope Gregory had to magickally excise 11 days from October.
  • Cory Booker said to Pete Buttigieg, “We’ve got so much in common!”
  • And Pete said, “Oh, thank God, you’re finally coming out.”
  • Silence for a moment.
  • “I meant that we were both Rhodes Scholars who went on to become mayors of working-class cities.”
  • “Oh! Oh. Well, I didn’t mean–“
  • “I have a girlfriend, y’know.”
  • “Sure, yeah, sure.”
  • “I’m dating Rosario Dawson. We have SEX.”
  • “Cool!”
  • And so on.
  • Was Biden there?
  • I know NCIS is on tonight, so maybe he didn’t show up.
  • Grandpas love NCIS.
  • That Mark Harmon doesn’t take any shit from the youngsters, first of all.
  • There’s a new girl with big tits every couple seasons, second.
  • You get a good car chase every once in a while, third.
  • GRANDPAS LOVE NCIS.
  • In conclusion, the Democratic Debate is a land of contrasts.

The Democratic Field: A Guide For The Perplexed

May 4, 2019 / / 1 Comment

There are now officially 2.33 Wu-Tang Clans-worth of Democrats running for President. Look at the person on your left, and now the one on your right: both of them are running for President, and so are you. Every American not currently wearing a MAGA cap has thrown their hats into the Democratic primaries.

Stop it.

There’s too many of ’em, man! Game over!

Aw, now I’m sad thinking about Bill Paxton. You ruin everything.

May I continue?

May? Yes, you may. I wish you wouldn’t, but I can’t stop you.

Thank you. To get you, the American Enthusiast, all pepped up for what will surely be an enlightening and high-minded campaign that centers on issues, and not personalities, TotD now presents: A Guide for the Perplexed: Democratic Primaries Edition. It will be in alphabetical order because the Atlantic article I’m cribbing all my facts from is in alphabetical order, so it’s easier that way.*

David Michael Bennet Senator from Colorado. Never seen a toad in real life. He’s been places with lots of toads, but they just seem to disappear when he steps outside. Why is that, Father? his daughter asked when she was a child. Why do the toads shun you? For years, he apologized for striking her. But she couldn’t know. No one could know. Not about his deal with the Toad King. Probably real liberal about weed.

Joe Biden Ex-Senator from Delaware, which shouldn’t exist, but the banks need a state to have tax orgies in. It’s a scam with a flag, like having the Cayman Islands be attached to Maryland. Joe is not from Delaware, not originally. He is from Scranton, Pennsylvania, which The Office made fun of as boring, but used to be utterly wretched: coal mines, and poverty, and a near-constant fistcuffery. Joe will tell you all of this while looking you in the eye, maybe grabbing your tit. He will tell you about his father, and how hard the man worked, when he meets you in a diner. You were sitting there, not bothering anyone, eating your meatloaf–they do a good meatloaf here–and now here’s this goon eyefucking you while babbling about his dead father. Hey man, you think, we all got dead dads. Lemme get back to my ‘loaf. But he won’t. Now he’s onto some shit about civilizing discourses and doing the things the right way and you can smell your gravy going cold. Congealing is a chemical reaction; it produces an aroma; this is a fact. You’ve argued about this with Cristianna before. She won’t listen to reason. She’s the best mom in the world, but the woman knows fuck-all about gravy, and she won’t admit it. That’s the annoying part. That she won’t just give up when she’s provably wrong. You demonstrated the congealation. Whipped up some gravy in the kitchen. Head her watch. More importantly, had her smell. And the bitch REFUSED to acknowledge what was plain to anyone, anyone in the world, and now you are eating meatloaf in a typical American diner, being typical, being American, and Uncle Yippy is going to insinuate his way into your meatloaf–the highlight of your day since Cristianna ate the children, which you also disagreed with her about–and now you’re pissing on Joe Biden, mightily. The Secret Service get you, but not before you get him. You pissed all over that big fucker. Good for you.

Seth Moulton I have never heard of this person. Apparently, he is a Harvard-educated former Navy Seal who has served three terms in the House for Massachusetts. Impressive resume, but his name is Seth and therefore he cannot be President of the United States. Our enemies would think us weak if we elected a “Seth.” No go.

Eric Swalwell A “swalwell” is a English term that might date back to Brythonic language; it means “to gnash the peasants.”

Mike Gravel Mike Gravel is your pick, Enthusiasts. He’s 88 and ran out of fucks last century; the Twin Towers were still up when Senator Gravel saw his final fuck float away. Plus, he wants to end all military activity, send all the teens to college, and pay for your splenectomies. And abolish the Electoral College. And break up the big tech companies. And he doesn’t want to be President; he’s just letting some idealistic young punks run his campaign for him. Mike Gravel is the Grateful Deadest candidate.

Tim Ryan Wasn’t he the Speaker of the House? I do not know who this creature is, and he has a hatefully boring name. If your name is something as dreary as “Tim Ryan,” you owe it to the world to acquire a cool nickname. You should be Timbledon, Tim. Hop to it.

Kristen Gillebrand No. it’s Kirstin Gilliband. You have no idea, and neither do I. She is the Senator from New York who isn’t straight out of a Phillip Roth novel. NOTE: lady.

Beto O’Rourke Fuckable. Good at the talky-talk. Thoroughly underqualified. Stupid first name and Irish last name. We would never elect a man like that.

John Hickenlooper This guy is Colorado’s Jerry Brown, basically. All the positions you’d imagine he holds, he holds. Except for the thing where he wants to nuke Spain, and that he would do it immediately upon taking office. Like, he wouldn’t even give a speech; just say the oath and grab for the football so those Catalonian fucks get what’s coming to them.

Jay Inslee Made up. Not a real person.

Bernie Sanders Fuck Commie Grandpa.

Amy Klobuchar I try to never refer to Schrödinger and his theorem, as it’s such a cliche, but the man’s insight does come to mind when one contemplates Donald Trump as this moment (5/3/19): he is both The Most Beatable Incumbent In History or Allfather Trump, (PBUH). None of the candidates have, so far, used the slogan The Dummy is Costing you Money. They should go with that.

Elizabeth Warren Basketball Head would have her for lunch. She would sit there on the table getting cold next to a pile of Wendy’s chicken sandwiches, and some poor college athletes would have to eat her. The athletes were given much direction by the Athletic Director before they entered the White House. Plus, the Pocahontas deal. Not the name itself, which Turnip is a piece of shit for promulgating, but how she handled it. A DNA test? You introduced facts into a fight with Donald Trump? BUSH LEAGUE. Stay in the Senate.

Kamala Harris His head would explode. His giant, spherical, peach-colored head would explode. She wouldn’t even have to do anything, just be a black lady around him.

Pete Buttigieg Homosexuals can’t be President; it’s in the Bible. The fact is also the basis of several Dukes of Hazard episodes which don’t get included in the DVD compilations.

Julian Castro Julian Castro has been the next big star of the Democratic Party for 40 or 50 years now. And he’s a twin. Twins can’t be President, either. That’s not in the Bible, but it should be.

John Delaney Before your mom met your dad, she fucked a lot of dudes. And before your dad met your mom, he fucked a lot of dudes, too.

Tulsi Gabbard That was childish, the last one. You’re right. Fuck Tulsa Gobbler. Hawaii’s shouldn’t be a state, either. Delaware, Hawaii, Rhode Island: done. The Dakotas should be combined, as should Wisconsin/Michigan, Illinois/Indiana, and Alabama/Mississippi. Arkansas should be given to the Chinese as a gift of friendship. (The Chinese are killing us, folks. Just killing us. Belt and Road? Very bad for round-eye.)

Andrew Yang Reddit loves this guy, so fuck this guy. No memes. I want the next President to be young, but not young enough that their memery is any good.

Marianne Williamson She is an inspirational speaker. I never get inspired by inspirational speakers. I always picture them alone in their hotel rooms after their speeches.

Cory Booker Homosexuals can’t be President; it’s in the Bible.

Steve Bullock Ah, shit, y’all: Deadwood trailer.

A very quick deployment of Google-Fu does not reveal whether Steve Bullock, current Governor of Montana, is related to Seth Bullock, former Sheriff of Deadwood.

Wayne Messam Admit that you don’t know whether or not I made this guy up. Admit that you had to look him up. And, hey: it’s not like I blame you, but don’t get up on your high horse. Also: stop getting your horse high. Mickey used to do that shit, and it’s not right.

Bill DeBlasio Mayor of New York City is a better job than President of the United States, at least if you’re a politician.

 

 

*Apparently, it is not in alphabetical order. You live, you learn.

Alternate Slogans For The Democratic Party

July 20, 2017 / / 2 Comments

  • The Democratic Party! We’re Like Coke-Flavored Slurpees: Not Exactly What You Wanted, But Fine.
  • How About A Pity Fuck?
  • At Least 60% Less Treason!
  • Now Paying Attention To “Working-Class Voters” And Their “Cultural Anxiety.” Wink Wink.
  • The Only Party With A Favorite Althea!
  • Ten Bucks Says We Can Fuck This Up!
  • Begrudgingly Progressive On Social Issues, But Still Pro-Drone Strikes: The Democrats!
  • We’re Not Them.
  • Statistically, One Of Us Must Have Charisma.
  • We Promise To Keep The Clintons Out Of It From Now On.
  • Holy Fuck, Do We Really Need A Slogan This Time Around?

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