The stage is DARK. TEEN BRUCE (Jaden Smith) is illuminated by a single spotlight CENTER STAGE. A NARRATOR (Chris Christie) can be heard.
NARRATOR
Once upon a time
In a state made of gardens
There lay a small town
At the edge of the shore.
BRUCE
I wish…
NARRATOR
There lived a young boy.
BRUCE
More than anything…
The SPOTLIGHT picks out another young man: LITTLE MIAMI STEVE (James Cordon).
LITTLE MIAMI STEVE
I wish…
NARRATOR
And another young boy.
LITTLE MIAMI STEVE
More than anything in the world…
The SPOTLIGHT picks out an enormous black man: YOUNG CLARENCE CLEMONS (Titus Burgess).
CLARENCE
I wish…
NARRATOR
And an enormous black man.
CLARENCE
More than anything in the world…
BRUCE
I could get some chicks, man.
I gotta make a dick plan.
I need to stick it somewhere, but there’s nowhere to be FOUUUUUUUUND.
LITTLE MIAMI STEVE
I wanna get some poon, bro.
My boner’s to the moon, yo.
A little piece of nice-nice makes the world keep spinning ROUUUUUUUND
CLARENCE
I would take some mouth action
All I need is wet traction
O, Lord, my balls are getting full; they’re halfway to the GROUUUUUUND
ALL
His balls are to the GROOUUUUND!
The boys meet CENTER STAGE and horse about.
NARRATOR
Every mom and daddy know
That teenage boys are ’bout to blow
In olden times, they’d go on quests
Or join the army; head out west.
But Jersey boys beat different drums
When pressure mounts and problem comes
And life has left you bruised and sore
New Jersey boys…
BRUCE
Go down the shore!
And to the beach!
Go down the shore!
Girls are in reach!
LITTLE MIAMI STEVE
Go down the shore!
Laugh at the rubes!
Go down the shore!
We’ll see some boobs!
CLARENCE
Go down the shore!
My car has got gas!
Go down the shore!
We’re gonna eat ass!
SCENE CHANGE while film of the three boys in a PINK CADILLAC is projected on the back wall.
EXT. JERSEY SHORE – NIGHT
BOARDWALK SET. Games and funnel cake stands.
BRUCE
I hope we get lucky!
LITTLE MIAMI STEVE
I hope we get laid.
CLARENCE
And wouldn’t it be nice
If we also got paid?
FRANK SINATRA (RuPaul) descends from the rafters bathed in the light like Christ.
FRANK
Now, listen HEEEEEERE you rooty-toots
You weanna SEEEEEEE girls in their birthday suits?
Just take these gifts
That I offer
Soon her pants
Will be off her.
A GUITAR, a SAXOPHONE, and a BANDANA appear.
BRUCE
All right, a guitar.
LITTLE MIAMI STEVE
Are you sure that’s for you?
CLARENCE
The bandana’s for you, Steve
And for, well, you-know-who.
LITTLE MIAMI STEVE turns around to reveal he has a SEMI-ABSORBED TWIN ON THE BACK OF HIS SKULL. Its name is LITTLE LITTLE MIAMI STEVE (Jared Leto).
LITTLE LITTLE MIAMI STEVE
Brother!
Don’t hide me!
No, brother!
Stand beside me!
FRANK SINATRA
This just got weird.
LITTLE LITTLE MIAMI STEVE
Sing me the song about Momma.
Sing of our happy warm home.
FRANK SINATRA
Seriously, what the fuck is happening?
The BATMOBILE enters. Door opens. From within, we can hear SNORES emanating.
FRANK SINATRA
Nope, fuck this.
SINTRA EXITS
Blackout.
What if Habberman was assigned to review for the Times?
I love how weird you get. Too weird for RuPaul playing Frank Sinatra weird.
Good God how do you do THAT !!
That was/is great.
This post back to back with David Clarke is like a single. Are you paying homage to the concept of a single? A really really great thing on one side and something else on the other.. is that what you are doing?
“down the shore”
Bless you for getting it right
You do know where I’m from, right?
Yup. Just glad you hadn’t forgotten.
too funny
Miami Steve = a hep Jack Carter. Scene chewer.