Hey, Mr. President. Whatcha doing?
“Uhh…slapping people. Slapping people dead in the face, hard. Left, right, combos. Slappin’ fools.”
You’ve earned it.
“So have they.”
Yup. Gonna miss you.
“I’m not gonna miss any of you.”
Sure.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: barack obama (Page 4 of 4)
“I found randos!”
Oh, for fuck’s sake, Mickey: that’s Walter Cronkite and Mike Gordon. And the lady looks important. And I think that’s Steve Kimock’s hat.
“Gimme a second.”
I don’t want to.
“But you will.”
Oh, fine.
…
“Here you go. Prime rando.”
Nope.
“Not randos?”
They are actually less rando than you are, Mick.
…
“Is the guy behind me a dolphin?”
No, he’s the living embodiment of both nepotism and the different beauty standards society holds male and female movie stars to.
“Wait, wait, wait: I got ’em. I got the greatest collection of randos. Check this out.”
Jesus, Mickey.
“What? I’m standing right next to two randos!”
On which side of you?
…
“Right side?”
Wow.
“They are randos, though.”
Sure, but their rand gets overwhelmed by the non-rand surrounding it.
“I’m not great at this.”
Not at all.
…
“I didn’t know Branford was married.”
You’re not allowed to be in the Rando War anymore.
We’ve gone through moments in our history before when we acted out of fear, and we came to regret it. We’ve seen our government mistreat our fellow citizens, and it has been a shameful part of our history.
This is a country founded on basic freedoms, including freedom of religion. We don’t have religious tests here. Our founders, our Constitution, our Bill of Rights, are clear about that.
And if we ever abandon those values, we would not only make it a lot easier to radicalize people here and around the world, but we would have betrayed the very things we are trying to protect.
The pluralism and the openness, our rule of law, our civil liberties, the very things that make this country great. The very things that make us exceptional. And then the terrorists would have won, and we cannot let that happen. I will not let that happen.
You know, two weeks ago I was at the commencement ceremony of the Air Force Academy, and it could not have been more inspiring to see these young people stepping up dedicated to serve and protect this country.
And part of what was inspiring was the incredible diversity of these cadets. We saw cadets who are straight applauding classmates who were openly gay.
We saw cadets born here in America applauding classmates who are immigrants and love this country so much they decided they wanted to be part of our armed forces.
We saw cadets and families of all religions applaud cadets who are proud, patriotic Muslim Americans serving their country in uniform ready to lay their lives on the line to protect you and to protect me.
We saw male cadets applauding for female classmates who can now serve in combat positions. That’s the American military. That’s America. One team. One nation.
Those are the values that ISIL is trying to destroy, and we shouldn’t help them do it. Our diversity and our respect for one another, our drawing on the talents of everybody in this country, our making sure that we are treating everybody fairly, that we’re not judging people on the basis of what faith they are or what race they are or what ethnicity they are or what their sexual orientation is.
That’s what makes this country great. That’s the spirit we see in Orlando. That’s the unity and resolve that will allow us to defeat ISIL. That’s what will preserve our values and our ideals that define us as Americans. That’s how we’re going to defend this nation, and that’s how we’re going to defend our way of life. Thank you very much.
I can see why people hate him, and call him a tyrant.
I have questions.
- Is this reality?
- Is this the way we live now?
- How many retweets does it take for a bill to become a law?
- What role, if any, does Instagram play in the system of checks and balances?
- Is governmental power dependent on followers?
- Because if it is, then Katy Perry is in charge now.
- Is that what you intended to do, Mr. President?
- Put Katy Perry in charge?
- Do you know who takes office in case she cannot perform her duties, sir?
- Justin Bieber.
- Who is Canadian.
- Did you intend to set off a Constitutional crisis with your little tweet, Mr. President?
- Why is there so much graphic design?
- Are my tax dollars paying for this?
- Why is the Swoopy-Hopey O logo on this thing?
- Is the President a brand now?
- Is there any chance that anyone is going to act like a grown-up ever again?
- Four score and seven years ago.
- The only things we have to fear is fear itself.
- Retweet if you believe Judge Merrick Garland deserves fair consideration.
- Inspiration, move me brightly.
- President Obama has been working out a lot lately, and his neck is getting really thick; plus he flexed a lot.
- Paul Ryan blatantly on his phone.
- The section of the speech about how great a movie Out of Sight was didn’t need to be so long, if exist at all.
- Halfway through the speech, one of the Senators put a frog he had stolen from the Science Committee’s lab down the business suit of one the Congresspersons, and there was a lot of commotion.
- The cameras do not capture how much old man farting is going on in that room.
- And let’s not be sexist: there are also farts from old ladies.
- As has been the case since 2013, John Kerry is entirely computer-generated and played by Andy Serkis.
- Biden sang Terrapin.
- At regular intervals during the speech, Obama paused to read Bingo numbers; Senate Chief Deputy Whip Mike Crapo (R-Idaho) was the first to call “Bingo!” and he won a real nice popcorn popper.
- Have they changed the introduction? Has it always been a roadie bellowing, “YOU WANTED THE BEST, AND YOU GOT ‘EM?”
- Samson>Estimated>Eyes>Terrapin>Drums>Space>Miracle>Black Peter>Sugar Mag.
- E: U.S. Blues, obviously.
- Much has been made of the president’s “lame duck” status, and he doesn’t help matters when he gives State of the Union addresses with one eye on the Cavaliers game on his iPhone.
- President Obama also promised to normalize relations with your mother.
- Then the president locked eyes with Kim Davis and performed an abortion right on the podium.
- Never broke eye contact, and it was a late-term abortion, too.
- Very late-term: kid was eight or nine.
- The Joint Chiefs of Staff have a secret competition with each other to see who can wear the prettiest lingerie under his uniform.
- Special appearance by Peabo Bryson and Wayland Flowers & Madame!
- Several of members of the government turned–briefly, I’ll grant you–back into their reptilian forms and no one saw it except me but I swear it’s true.
- Admit it: you’re only 98% sure some of those fuckers aren’t lizard people.
- Biden wielded the Flying Guillotine of Environmental Stewardship. (It also trims bushes.)
- The rebuttal was given by a talking gun made out of Jesuses.
You know why I love America?
Taco Tuesday?
You know why else I love America?
No, but please don’t get weird.
Not weird: patriotic. Only in America am I guaranteed the right to proclaim how much sexy our First Couple has.
Please don’t talk about–
I would three-way the shit outta of those two.
–having a menàge…dammit. That’s not respectful.
I would be totally respectful of the First Couple’s sexual boundaries.
Not what I meant.
I don’t understand where I’m wrong in this: if I were to ogle Mrs. Obama, then: yeah, sexist and wrong and shitty. What I’m saying is that both of them can do stuff to me, or have me do stuff to them.
Stop.
That’s called equality.
…
…
…
I wanna be the white part in the Oreo.
STOP TALKING.
Yes, China: you will almost certainly run this century, but we still kick your ass in the First Couple-off.
ERMAGERD HE IS SO CUTE.
The dog?
No.
The secret Muslim?
No.
Broccoli Hitler?
No. What?
Michelle Obama wants to send stormtroopers to our homes to force us to eat our vegetables.
I believe that now.
…
The Pope! Look at him! Look at how cool he is! He pets dogs!
What else did he do today?
Speeches.
Good message?
Fuck, no. Apparently, women’s rights are pretty much limited to the right to shut their whore mouths and grow some more Catholics.
Anything else?
He and his organization privilege magic over reality.
The Pope said that?
It was the subtext of his address.
Oh. What was the text?
Love each other, something like that.
That guy’s got one speech.
Yeah.
Dear Grateful Deads,
A’salaam Aleykem, Grateful Deads and assorted bearded youths or hot wives. How are you? I am fine, but tired from destroying America.
Michelle and I salute you in your fifty-year “long, strange trip.” She would be here in person, but she’s busy telling people what to eat and murdering the American cattle farmer in his sleep. Michelle’s thing with broccoli…it’s verging on sexual at this point, Grateful Deads.
I digress.
You travelled to the unsung cities of this great country: Lakeland, FL; Reno, NV; Philadelphia more than once. If nothing else, this country owes you a debt of gratitude for going back to Philadelphia so many times: no one should have to do that.
And now you end your voyage in my adopted hometown city of Chicago. Try to avoid being shot or running into Rahm Emmanuel; they’re both terrible things that require medical intervention. At least getting shot, you wouldn’t have to deal with that finger nub: thing gave me the heebie-jeebies and the nasty little fucker knew it, too. Wave it around the Oval Office. President shouldn’t have to deal with that shit.
Once again, I digress.
I first listened to the Grateful Dead while I was living in Hawaii, hanging out with the Choom Gang. We would smoke cigarettes, of both a tobacco and marijuana nature, and get down to, say, a good ’72. The rhythms reminded me of the music from my Kenyan home, where I was born and taught how to destroy America, and I also enjoyed when Garcia would rip shit up.
When you visited me in 2009, as we see in the picture above, I was taken back by your still-contagious enthusiasm for music, magic, and joy. My entire staff and I were taken aback by the amount of things from my office you stole. Look: we know people are going pocket stuff. It’s the White House, you want a souvenir, so we leave crap all over the place: ashtrays even though it’s 2015, and pads, and whatnot. Everyone else just understands that it’s the swag and you can have it. Not the Dead; several of them had to be stopped from ordering Jeff Chimenti to roll up rugs and put them in his van.
Billy took the Resolute desk.
Anyway, I wish you the best of shows in Chicago and, as Garcia would say, “Someone please bring me seven tacos or I’m not going onstage.”
Presidentially Yours,
Barack Hussein Obama
ps Seriously, Billy needs to bring the desk back.
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