Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: bill kreutzmann (Page 22 of 88)

Words That Do Not Appear In Any Grateful Dead Song

August 24, 2016 / / 1 Comment
  • Value-added.
  • Marmot.
  • Cobbler.
  • Malthusian.
  • Merch.
  • Slap-happy.
  • Dipsy-doodle.
  • Cenobite.
  • Alsace-Lorraine.
  • Titular.
  • Flense.
  • Spermacetti.
  • Ambergris. (Let’s just say that no whaling* terms whatsoever appear in a Dead song.)
  • Dongle.
  • Shpongle.
  • Smurf.
  • Nerf.
  • Nudnik.
  • Pterodactyl.
  • Ptarmigan.
  • Ptolemy.
  • Ptranscendentalism.
  • Counter-revolutionary.
  • Mesoamerican.
  • Plinth.
  • Subsequently.
  • Analingus. (Therefore, no Grateful Dead song contains the phrase “Subsequently, analingus.” That’s a shame.)
  • Blunf.
  • Shmlop.
  • Humperdeedoo.
  • Kreutzmann.

*TotD advocates bringing back whaling. We’ve been giving those wet fat-asses a free ride for too long; time to remind them who’s where on the food chain.

Time Keeps On Dripping

August 22, 2016 / / 10 Comments

billy bearded rando

“Skank!”

Huh?

“Rando!”

You having a stroke or making fun of my repetitiveness?

“Skanko rand!”

Sure.

“You ever go trawling for bunga bunga in Wal-Mart at 4 am? It’s easy, but it’s weird, man.”

You shouldn’t do that.

“Those chicks have problems.”

Yes.

“I’m rooting for ’em, though. They’re getting those kids back.”

Aw.

“Hey, Ass: why is Garcia wandering around?”

Isn’t he usually?

“Yeah, but he generally looks better. Skinner, younger. Looks like he did near the end. It’s fucked up.”

Like, the way he looked in ’93?

“Yeah, yeah, right. Just like that.”

Fuck.

“What did you do?”

I didn’t do anything. I’m a neutral observer.

“Sure. What did you do?”

I just opened the Chronogate a little tiny bit.

…

“You cut a glory hole into the time/space continuum and now 1993 has declared war on the present.”

Yeah.

“Leave me out of this one.”

I didn’t know it would spread.

“The past is like herpes, man: it tells you when it’s done with you.”

Great.

“Call Precarious. This sounds like his kinda bullshit.”

Good idea.

…

“Didn’t this place used to be about the Dead?”

I don’t read the archives.

“Good idea.”

Summer Fades

August 15, 2016 / / 2 Comments

billy dark thoughts bonnaroo

“Skank’s changed, Ass.”

Hey, Billy.

“Not like the old days. Skank ran wild and free, from here to the horizon. Or at least out into the hallway.”

Y’know, none of you used to talk.

“And tougher back then. Skank today is too sensitive, man. Too politically correct.”

Please don’t say–

“We need to make skank great again.”

–make skank…dammit, Billy. You’re getting weird.

“Kids today don’t know what skank means.”

I don’t think we’ve ever precisely defined it.

“Skank! Carpets with cigarette burns, and knees with rug burns, and dental hygienists with pills in their purses, and wandering around the pool in nothing but sunglasses and cowboy boots, and smoking in elevators, and high heels with tight Jordache jeans, and day drinking in bars with coke dealers, and tuggers in the van, and halter tops, and tube tops, and crop tops, and fuckin’ SKANK, man!”

…

Yeah, okay.

“Skank.”

Skank.

Bill(y)

August 11, 2016 / / 0 Comments

billy bill walton purpe shirts

“SKAAAAAAAANK!”

“No, thank you. I’m a happily married man, Billy.”

“Skank!”

“I’m okay.”

“Think about the skank, Walton!”

“Oh, sure: I think about the skank. I’m just like a man, only larger.”

“Right! C’mon, man: I need some good stories for my book.”

“Well, Jeez, Billy: nothing can top the Healy orgy.”

“No, no. I can try to equal it, though.”

“Most rock books don’t include the time the subject and the sound guy assembly-lined a roomful of skank. You dared to be different.”

“I gotta be me. C’mon, Walton, remember what we used to do to chicks? What did we call it?”

“Billy.”

“What did we call it?”

“Billy.”

…

“We called it Butt and Jeff.”

“Butt and Jeff! You still got that van?”

“I do.”

“Ever get the smell out?”

“I didn’t.”

“Forget about the van, Walton. It’s not about the van. Here’s the plan: you get the van. We go to LA and rent some porn stars. I got this new thing: it’s called LSD, but the L is for Levitra.”

“What’s that like?”

“Your dick trips balls.”

“That’s a little tempting.”

“It’s good shit. Me and Mickey took some in Boston. We did a Battle of Salamis

“I don’t want to do the little back-and-forth again. Just tell me what that is.”

“You get your skank on top of you in reverse cowgirl, right? Grab her hands and then you stand up, so now she’s supported by your hands and boner horizontal to the ground. Then, on the other side of the hotel suite, your other drummer does the same with his skank. Then you ram ’em into one another at top speed. Battle of Salamis.”

“Billy, that’s not sex. I don’t know what it is, but it’s not human sex.”

“I had a boner.”

“Still not sex.”

“It was sexual.”

“Let’s just play the drums, Billy.”

“We had fun in the van, though, right?”

“So much. Great times. Got more tail than a comet.”

“Oh, yeah. Your dick still weird?”

“My dick’s not weird at all. When it’s soft, it’s like a dangling tube sock with a clementine orange in it; when I get a boner, it plumps up and looks like a Saguaro cactus with 8 deep furrows along the sagittal planes and an equatorial bulge. Not weird.”

…

“Let’s just play the drums, Walton.”

“Okee-dokee.”

Billy Checks In

August 7, 2016 / / 4 Comments

billy gavin degraw

“Everybody loves Uncle Billy!”

God, you make things weird.

“Look at this fucker, Ass. Look how happy this fucker is. Happy little fucker.”

He looks thrilled.

“Course he is! Gettin’ in some prime Billy-time. That’s a rare treat. You know how much that VIP bullshit costs?”

A lot.

“Great system: the randos pay out the nose, and I put the money up my nose.”

Please stop being so cynical.

“Huh? Oh, sure, sure. The VIP packages are all about the muuuuuusic, man.”

Okay, good point.

“Rich fuckers wanna pay me to make ’em feel special, I got a couple minutes.”

It’s not a bad racket.

“I take requests, too. Weir just meets ’em and takes pictures and whatever. You got the cash, I’ll consider it. Played Twister with some folks. Some light cuckoldry. One couple paid me to take it out, but then I refused to put it away until they ponied up. Made money coming and going on that one.”

Nice work.

“I feel like you’re being sarcastic, and invite you to get a hangnail on the head of your penis.”

Ow.

“Fact is that I’m the only one offering customer service. Rest of the guys are busts.”

What? Why? What do they do with the VIPs?

“Black Phil and whoever’s playing keyboards just get ’em high. Mickey plays drums with ’em. The pretty one yammers at ’em about watches or some bullshit.”

Those all sound fine, actually.

“But what if that’s not what you want? And you have cash?”

Billy, the VIP packages are not the proper grounds for your grifts.

“Stole a bunch of wallets, too.”

I assumed that. How’s the Summer of Skank going?

“We capitalizing that now?”

I guess so.

“It’s going great. Look how fancy this place is.”

Hotel?

“Yeah. Real ritzy-titzy. Best place for a skank hunt.”

The guests?

“The employees! Some of ’em don’t speak English, some of ’em don’t speak any language at all.”

…

“Except the secret language of skank.”

Ew.

“Last night, a maid left a mint on my pillow.”

…

“Left a mint on my pillow.”

…

“Left a–”

What does that mean, Billy?

“She stuck a Cert up her ass, and sat on my face.”

Jesus, Billy.

“I gave her a tip!”

I would hope so.

“And then I slid it in a little bit more.”

We’re done.

“Summer of Skank!”

A Deal Goes Down

August 5, 2016 / / 0 Comments

billy jm striped onstage

“SKAAAAAAANK!”

“Billy.”

“SKANK! SKANK! SKANK!”

“Billy, come on.”

“You in, kid? You gonna come sail the seven seas of skank with Captain Billy?”

“Seriously?”

“I never joke about skank.”

“I don’t even understand what the offer is.”

“You be the Bobby now. Bobby can’t be the Bobby any more. Hey, y’know what? Bobby’s a Billy now, just like me! Ha! Time turns us all to Billys! HAAAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHA!”

…

“You high or insane?”

“Yes.”

“How would I be the Bobby?”

“We leave you out. Like bait. The skank gets a whiff of ya, and comes running. You take the best skank and the rest of us pick off the stragglers.”

“Oh, God, that’s really what happened.”

“For years. And we were happy. Think of all the bands that didn’t have a Bobby. The Airplane didn’t have a Bobby, and their skank was sub-prime. Yeah, it’s settled: you’re the Bobby now. How much time do you spend on your hair?”

“A lot.”

“Wonderful. You’ll learn the ropes quick.”

…

“One condition.”

“I’m not paying you.”

“Something else.”

“What?”

“I want you punch Orlando Bloom in the dick.”

“Done. One question.”

“Is it ‘Who is Orlando Bloom?'”

“Yes.”

“I’ll show you.”

“Deal.”

“Great. Billy?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s my name?”

“No clue.”

“Okay.”

Partners In Skank

August 5, 2016 / / 0 Comments

mickey billy onstage talking

“Mick, I’m not asking you, I’m telling you: get on the skank train.”

“My back, Billy.”

“I got pills for that.”

“Didn’t Bobby steal those?”

“I got new ones.”

“What about my boner?”

“I got pills for that, too. C’mon, Hart: you and me. Like the old days. We can give a chick the Whopper.”

“Two all-beef drummers, special sauce, anal please, pickled teen fox on a Holiday Inn bed?”

“Yeah, that.”

“Billy, I just want to play my drums. I can’t act like I’m in my 20’s any more.”

“I can get you a book deal.”

“Gimme some boner pills.”

“Summer of skank!”

Dreadhead, Deadhead, Redhead

August 1, 2016 / / 3 Comments

billy rando chicks deadandco

“Heh heh heh.”

Billy.

“Thoughts on my Ass! Look what Uncle Billy got! This is gonna be a whole chapter in the book.”

You still writing that thing?

“The writing comes later. First, I’m living it. Summer of skank!”

You actually gonna write it this time?

“Hell, no. Benjy’s back.”

You re-hired him?

“Kidnapped him.”

Same difference.

“We’re brainstorming names. I like Finnegan’s Dick.”

Terrible.

“Benjy wants From Kreutzboyy to Kruetzmann.”

Somehow worse.

“Whatever. We’ll figure it out once I get all the stories together. I figure you got the skank from this tour, plus the book tour, plus all the Farewell Skank, and you got about 300 pages. Plus pictures.”

Of the skank?

“Sure. And me and Benjy.”

Obviously. Any shots of your family?

“Nah.”

Sure.

“Man, I got some awesome stories. Real choice skank tales. Heres a taste: in Chula Vista, I did some gentrifying.”

…

“Did some gentrifying.”

…

“Did some–”

What is gentrifying?

“I found somewhere cheap and made it all white.”

Oh, God, that’s disgusting.

“That’s not even the first chapter! Much better stories I’m not telling you! Plus, you know: the big one.”

Billy, stop it.

“Jealous.”

I’m not jealous of something that didn’t happen. You are not–

“I’m dating Cher.”

–dating Cher. STOP THAT. It’s a weird lie, and I don’t even know where you came up with it.

“If I’m lying, then what’s this?”

PicsArt_1469664051002

Billy, stop this.

“Look how happy we are. Love, baby. She’s changed me, man. I sleep in full makeup now.”

Please. There’s so much stupid bullshit on this site, but this is outrageous.

“Billy and Cher. If it weren’t for the book, I would have quit the rando skank entirely for her. Crazy about her. Gonna be my fifth or sixth or seventh wife. Whichever number is next. Wait: am I married right now?”

Think so.

“Shit. Welp, Cher is worth another alimony.”

Jesus, Billy.

“Hell, I can probably get her to pay it for me. She’s rich as shit.”

…

Have you spent all the money from the summer tour already?

“A lot of it was pre-spent, if I’m honest.”

Billy, it’s been 36 hours. You’re broke again?

“Not broke. Between fortunes.”

Right.

“Hey. Hey. Redhead, huh?”

Giving you the look of love.

“My finger’s in her butt.”

Jesus, I hate talking to you.

“Who’s forcing you?”

Company & Dead

July 27, 2016 / / 6 Comments

Dead & Crew

Allow me to preface my silly little jokes with this: hail to the road crew. First in, last out, first blamed.

In no particular order:

  • If you asked someone to describe what this photo would look like before they saw it, they would have gotten it exactly right; nothing about this photo is a surprise.
  • Oh, wait: there’s a bunch of ladies.
  • They are hidden in the back.
  • Maybe the photographer is a bear, and all the women are menstruating, and the men are being chivalrous.
  • Beard guy.
  • Bald guy.
  • Bald guy who is maybe black.
  • Lady in red cocktail dress.
  • Matt Busch.
  • Other beard guy.
  • Waldo.
  • Harry Knowles.
  • Y’know, I think Bald Maybe Black Guy and Handsome Dan back there are the drivers for some reason–the two guys by Mrs. Donna Jean in the Stealie button-downs–and now I am fascinated by them and am starting to make up stories about them.
  • I will come up with better names, though.
  • And speaking on behalf of Mrs. Donna Jean: same shit, different century.
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