“Good afternoon, and welcome to New Day. I’m Alisyn Camerota, and yes I really do spell my first name like that. With me today is former Mayor of New York and current counsel to the president Rudy Giuliani. My staff tells me you’ve had six espressos.”
“Three of those were doubles. Let’s do this.”
“Mr. Giuliani, the President is having a rough week legally speaking. It turns out that his former lawyer Michael Cohen was making tape recordings of his phone conversations with President Trump.”
“Allegedly. He was allegedly making tapes, because Michael Cohen is a diabolical person who may very well be faking everything. All this time, he may have been a fake lawyer. I have a feeling many people will be exposed as fake lawyers before this is over.”
“Are you saying the tapes aren’t real?”
“Maybe I am, but what if I’m not? That’s a principle you need to keep in mind with this President. He might be joking. You always need to remember that. So when he says to James Comey, ‘I hope you can drop the Russia thing,’ he may not have been serious.
“Was he?”
“Of course not! And therefore it couldn’t have been a crime, because of the legal precedent of It’s not collusion if you’re kidding.”
“That is not held law in this country, sir.”
“Most likely, the tapes are doctored in some way. I don’t mean to denigrate Michael Cohen because I’ve known the man for years, I’ve met his lovely family, but he’s the slimiest piece of shit that ever lived. Michael Cohen would cut a baby open if he heard there was a nickel inside. You know why he went into the cab business, right?”
“I don’t, no.”
“So he could drive around undetected and have his relations. Sometimes murder. Sometimes, he would murder the boys.”
“Sir, I am not going to let you spread disgusting and clearly untrue rumors like that on my show.”
“You’re right. I went too far and I apologize to all the parents of the young prostitute boys that Michael Cohen fornicated with and then maybe strangled.”
“Stop it!”
“Is it syphilis? What could drive a man to betray his country in such a way? Teddy Roosevelt said something about this: A good American supports his President through thick and thin.”
“No. Teddy Roosevelt said the exact opposite thing.”
“Michael Cohen may, when this is over, go down as one of history’s greatest villains. Maybe worse than Hitler! I don’t know just yet, but he’s getting there. President Trump employs this man and trusts this man, or never met him before. Either one, whichever. The point is: he is a betrayer of the United States. I don’t understand how a man could act this way unless…oh, no.”
“Mr. Giuliani?”
“Maybe Michael Cohen was the one colluding with the Russians all along!”
“Oh, God.”
“Well, why isn’t Bob Mueller looking into that? Why isn’t he looking into Hillary’s e-mails? Why isn’t he looking into who leaked the Pentagon Papers? Why won’t he be a man and admit to the world, ‘Yes, I lied about all of this collusion nonsense and President Trump is the legitimate President’ and then maybe do that thing the Japanese do with the sword.”
“Hara-kiri?”
“Sure, sure, yeah. On teevee. Or the internet, whichever they do nowadays.”
“You’re suggesting that the Special Counsel appear on live television to apologize and then ritually disembowel himself?”
“I didn’t suggest that. I asked why it hasn’t happened. Completely different.”
“Not much.”
“Another one where you say, ‘Why are they doing this?’ And maybe again you have to wonder–”
“Don’t say it–”
“–if Bob Mueller’s the one colluding with the Russians.”
“Yuh-huh. Mr. Giuliani, your contention is that practically everyone in the country was colluding with Russia except President Trump.”
“Hell of a thing!”
“It is.”
“And even if the President was colluding with Russia, he was doing it with America’s best interest in mind. And that’s not a crime.”
“It is.”
“Collusion is not a crime.”
“No, but conspiring with a foreign power to influence an election is.”
“Oh, well, yes, but that’s not a crime. I mean, it’s a ‘crime,’ but it’s not a crime.”
“I don’t understand.”
“What happened wasn’t a crime, it was a ‘crime.'”
“The finger-quotes around the word crime don’t actually alter the word’s meaning, Mr. Giuliani.”
“Who’s the lawyer here?”
“Sir, are you admitting that collusion did take place?”
“Sure! There’s all sorts of collusion. We’re colluding right now. The cameramen are colluding with us. It’s great. Collusion is what America was founded on.”
“Collusion with the Russians?”
“Friends of ours in World War II. Can’t deny that. Basically the same people nowadays. They keep their stock pure, so their collective personality remains constant throughout the decades. Russians are good folks. You know what? Not colluding with them would be the crime! What do you think of that?”
“I don’t know what to think about anything anymore. Once again: you are legitimately the President’s lawyer?”
“Oh, yeah. Alisyn, I need another cup of coffee.”
“Sure.”
“And make it a Fine Girl.”
“Huh?”
“Pour some brandy in it.”
“I’m Alisyn Camerota and this is CNN’s New Day. We’ll be back after this commercial for reverse mortgages starring Henry Winkler.
Recent Comments