HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES – THIS MORNING
“Good morning. Good morning, everyone. My name is Trey Gowdy–G O W D Y–from South Carolina. I will be chairing this hearing into the conduct of FBI Agent Peter Strzok during the 2016 campaign. Conduct which includes lying, cheating, fornicating, old-lady swindling–”
“Congressman, this is uncalled for.”
“–taking number twos on the flag…sir, you’ll get your turn. Please wait your turn.”
“I’m not going to sit here and be accused of ‘old-lady swindling.’ That’s not right of you to do.”
“We’re so far past right and wrong, Agent Strzok. You ever read The 120 Days of Sodom? What’s going on is a lot like that: we’ve locked ourselves in the castle and now we’re in the freaky-fucking phase. Everything is being put everywhere. The whores are being fucked to death.”
“I’m sorry, is this actually happening?”
“It is, Agent Strzok. My party has complete control of the House. I am the Chair of this hearing, and I’m not running for office again. In this room, I am unto a god. I can say whatever weird crap I want, no one can stop me. You smoke, ace?”
“No.”
“Sucks for you.”
LUNATIC CONGRESSMAN LIGHTING UP NOISE
“That’s refreshing. You sure? I smoke Merits. I like people who have merit, and so I like cigarettes with merit, and so I smoke Merits. I find you without merit, sir.”
“That’s your opinion to have, Congressman.”
“You were from the very start biased against President Trump, as evidenced in your text messages, and you worked behind the scenes to prevent his presidency!”
“Well, then I failed, huh?”
…
“Agent Strzok, if you insist on being cute, I will find Ted Cruz and bring him in here to question you.”
“No one wants that.”
“No one wants that. Agent, why do you hate America?”
“I do not.”
“Are you a secret Muslim like our former illegitimate mulatto president?”
“Wow. And no. Wait, actually I’m gonna retract that ‘no’ because I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Case closed. How many laws did you break in your reckless, ruthless, disgusting pursuit of then-candidate Trump? If you tell me right now, you won’t be charged ever.”
“That’s not how that works.”
“How many more double agents of the Deep State are active in the FBI right now?”
“OH FOR GOD’S SAKE, KNOCK THIS OFF!”
“YOU SHUT UP, BLACK DEMOCRAT LADY!”
“I demand time to speak!”
“Shout into your wig! Order! Order! I will have order! Agent Strzok, I’m sorry you had to see that.”
“I’m sorry anyone had to see that.”
“So you apologize for rigging the election?”
“Even though Trump won?”
…
“I yield the rest of my time to my distinguished colleague Jim Jordan from Ohio.”
“Thank you, Mr. Chairman. That’s Jordan–J O R D A N–and I compliment the Chair on a wonderful hearing so far. We are getting down to the bottom of the FBI’s vicious attacks on then-candidate Donald Trump and speaking with an agent from the Agency, Peter Strzok. His offenses are deep and dire. Some might even call his behavior ‘treasonous.’ Others have been heard referring to it as ‘super-treasonous.”
“There’s no such thing as ‘super-treason,’ Congressman.”
“Oh, yeah. It’s what you call Aggravated Treason.”
“No. That’s a fictional crime.”
“You’ll find it’s not. And there’s Treason With Intent.”
“There’s not.”
“I’ll tie you to the mast, you bastard. Pirate code!”
“Mister Chairman?”
“What? I’m enjoying this.”
“Agent Strzok, I apologize for getting worked up.”
“I accept your apology, Congressman Jordan.”
“My week has been unproductive. I’m a little tense.”
“Because of the child molesting thing.”
“Not children! Not children! These were all legal men who got molested.”
“That’s not much better.”
“But you admit it’s a little bit better?”
“I admit nothing of the sort, sir.”
“Traitorsayswhat?”
“You’re kidding me, right?”
“I yield my remaining time to Bob Goodlatte of the great commonwealth of Virginia.”
“Thank you, Congressman. That’s Goodlatte–G O O D LA T T E–for the record.”
“Call me Coach.”
“No, I don’t want to.”
“You can.”
“But I don’t want to, Jim.”
“Great, you have fun in there!”
TOWEL WHIPPING NOISE
“Where did he even get a towel? Anyway: Agent Strzok, you exchanged so-called ‘textual messages’ with your fellow FBI employee Lisa Page, is that correct?”
“It is.”
“I have here a selection of these messages. I’ll read them aloud and I want the committee to keep in mind that the sender of these messages is an FBI agent assigned illegitimately to harass the President even though the President is the strong leader that America needs. Here are some of your words: Forget taking candy from babies. I don’t think Trump is capable of keeping a baby alive for 24 hours. If he’s provided with all the tools necessary, but no instructions or help? You got a dead baby.'”
“I stand by that text.”
“I find that outrageous!”
“As do I, sir. That one could believe something like that about the President of the United State is truly outrageous.”
“I continue. You also sent this: Where we grew up was a fellow named Sloppy Charlie, and Sloppy Charlie tried to get the dogs of the neighborhood to fuck his face, but they wouldn’t. That’s how ugly Sloppy Charlie. was. And Trump’s worse.’ Those are your words, Agent?”
“They are, yes.”
“Why would you say such a filthy thing?”
“I must admit that I did not foresee that sentence being entered into the Congressional Record.”
“The bias that you have displayed here is astonishing and is a sad reminder of what is tearing apart America right now. You got a lot of what I like to call ‘non-American Americans’ floating around. Maybe you’re one. Let’s see.”
NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYING NOISE
EVERYONE IN THE ROOM STANDING NOISE
EVERYONE SITTING BACK DOWN NOISE
“You passed that test.”
“The Congress I learned about in high school was not like this.”
“Oh, it was just as bad. A guy beat another guy to death once.”
“I’m aware of that. I stand by all my statements.”
DING!
“Your time is up, Congressman, and so I now ask Louie Gohmert of Texas to come on down.”
“Yes, hello. Louie Gohmert–I don’t know how to spell that–from the great state of Texas. I’m gonna get the facts here. Agent Shazam–”
“Nope.”
“Jazz Talk.”
“What? No.”
“I’m gonna call you Traitor Man. You went against your country, possibly for illicit gain. Maybe you were blackmailed. Did you have a shopliftin’ problem?”
“No.”
“You should give shopliftin’ a try. It puts you back in control. Anyway, What I wanna know is what was happening between you and Agent Lisa Page. You had a relationship of a sexual nature.”
“Yes, Congressman.”
“You were squeezin’ her titties and she was just, like, letting you. That’s wild behavior. That’s abnormal behavior.”
“It was inappropriate, but not abnormal.”
“Let the House of Representatives be the judge of what’s abnormal. You were married at the time?”
“I was.”
“Eatin’ ass?”
“Mr. Chairman, that’s a ludicrous question.”
“It is, and I’m going to allow it. Answer him, Agent Strzok: was there analingus?”
“It’s very hip now with the kids, Agent Starfish. Everyone in my office is like, ‘Oh, I ate ass last night.’ and ‘I’m off to eat ass.’ These kids can’t get enough ass.”
…
“I’m sorry, what was the question?”
“You munchin’ the donk?”
“I’m not answering that.”
“Sir, may I remind you that you’re under oath.”
“What does your question have to do with anything?”
“I like collectin’ other people’s fuck stories. And, uh, lately I’m into ass. Just gettin’ real into it. I like wild tales, man. So…”
“So what?”
“So tell me some dirty FBI buttlicking stories.”
“I insist we take a break.”
“Aw.”
GAVEL HITTING NOISE
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