Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Tag: dave chapelle

Fear Of A Black Terrapin Station

December 22, 2019 / / 2 Comments

Enthusiasts, it’s rough being the World’s Leading Grateful Dead Authority. My opinion is sought out–demanded even–from hither and yon. More yon than hither. Honestly, I can’t even recall hearing from hither since the incident with the blowtorch and his nipples; he’s holding a grudge, apparently.

Stop being dumbfucky.

The question is brought before us: Which Grateful Dead is each of these famous comics? The obvious man says, “Obviously, Eddie is Garcia, obviously,” but the obvious man is oblivious. Chapelle is Garcia. There is no act more Garcia-ish than being unable to go 30 seconds without a cigarette. The man’s Garcia reborn, plus he disappeared at the height of his fame, which is an incredibly Garcia thing to do.

Eddie is Bobby: charismatic, handsome, spent the 00’s not doing too much of note.

Chris Rock has enormous teeth and an even enormouser need to be thought of as intelligent; he’s Phil.

Kenan is clearly Billy. Y’don’t wanna see him solo, but he holds the performance together. In addition, both men enjoy white women.

Tracy Morgan is Mickey. He does one thing really well, but that’s it.

Sinbad (not pictured) is Mrs. Donna Jean, and I will not explain my reasoning behind that.

In The Ity

February 26, 2019 / / 2 Comments

What the fuck is this?

“Dude, we had the best Oscar night party ever! I recreated the Vanity Fair red carpet in my house and invited cool people over and I did an episode of my Instagram talk show.”

I’m literally begging you to start doing coke.

“Stop it.”

Just try shooting up one time. Just once. You’ll probably hate it.

“I thought you snorted coke. You can shoot it?”

You can shoot anything if you’re cool enough.

“IV drug use is not cool at all, man.”

Cooler than your lily-white party, colonizer.

“It is a diverse crowd. Dave Chapelle’s here.”

Did you just use the “Some of my best friends are Dave Chapelle” defense?

“Just stop it.”

Who are these people? Is that guy a gamer? Something about him screams “I have a Twitch account.”

“That’s Diplo.”

Inventor of the Lego-like blocks for toddlers?

“That’s Duplo.”

Ah. He’s got powerful thighs. Does he do a lot of cross-country skiing?

“I have no idea.”

Ask him. Ask your party guest about his thighs.

“I won’t.”

Fine. What’s with Manic Panic there?

“This is Halsey.”

Palsy?

“Halsey.”

Admiral Halsey? He acted stupidly.

“Did you just quote Red October at me?”

Yes.

“Nice.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“I complimented you!”

I guess it just felt like you were lying.

“Did you just quote my own new song, available on Apple iMusic, back to me?”

Did I? Oh, now I feel dirty. Answer the phone.

“Dick.”

…

“You’re on with John.”

“YEW WAIT JUS’ A MINNIT, BOY. AH’M SPEAKIN’ WITH SOMEONE MORE ‘PORTANT TH’N YEW!”

Ah, shit.

“ISSA HONOR T’ MEETCHU, YER SEATEDNESS!”

“Why, thank ya kindly, Elvis.”

“AH WANTED T’ GIVE YEW SEVERAL PISTOLS O’ FRIENDSHIP, BUT WAS ADVISED IT WOULD BE INCREDIBLY INAPPROPRIATE.”

“Ah done had some bad experiences with guns, son.”

“YEW EVER MEET JOSH MEYERS? HE’S A HOMOSEXUAL FROM TH’ FUTURE.”

“Is he a negroid?”

“NOSSIR.”

“Well, then, bring him round. I need some advice on a new set of drapes.”

“King? Governor Wallace? I have guests over and this isn’t the right time for–”

“AH DON’ SEE NO GUESTS, BOY, OTHER TH’N TITTYDROPS AN’ THAT ANEMIC FELLA!”

“I have many guests, Elvis.”

“See?”

“AHHH! HE GOT HISSELF A BAD SANTA!”

“An’ several o’ them negroids Ah was talkin’ about! Ah knew it! Ah can smell ’em!”

“WE GONNA RETURN FIRE WITH TH’ POWER O’ SOUTHERN HERITAGE!”

“Show them my children, Elvis! Show them what Ah have created!”

“LOOKY HERE, MAN! STARE INTO THEIR EYES, MAN!”

…

“Excuse me?”

John?

“Too weird.”

You’re not wrong.

Black, White, Blue, Black And White

September 23, 2018 / / 1 Comment

See, now, this is the type of company you should be keeping, John.

“I didn’t ask your opinion.”

Sooooo much better than your fashion friends.

“My fashion friends are great.”

They deserve a bullet apiece, John. All of your fashion friends should be executed for heterodoxical leanings and crimes against the state.

“When did you become a Bolshevik?”

I read a book about The Weavers and BOOM: Communist.

“Wow. The American government was right to be worried.”

Apparently.

STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT RING-TONE NOISE

“Is that your phone?”

Nope.

“Goddammit.”

…

“You’re on with John.”

“Hi, John. This is Ronan Farrow.”

“My God, it’s like you were born to wear that tux.”

“You…you can see me?”

“Don’t worry about it. What can I do for you, Ronan?”

“I have several questions about the things you’ve been doing with your penis.”

“Oh, sure. Can you hold on a sec?”

“Mm-hmm.”

…

“Hey!”

Dude, you’re fucked.

“Is he prettier than me?”

THAT’S what you’re worried about?

“A little.”

You’re such a mess of a man.

“I got him beat on the chin. My chin is clearly more chiseled. But, Christ, those eyes. Should I do the colored contacts thing?”

Dammit, I can’t believe you’re making me do this. Gimme the phone.

POP STAR HANDING PHONE TO IDIOT NOISE

Ronan the Barbarian!

“Very original. Never heard that before. Is this the asshole who zapped dinosaurs into my apartment?”

Yes, it is.

“Well, I got rid of them and now I’m back on the Grateful Dead story.”

Sure, cool.

“FORE!”

“What the hell was that?”

CLONK!

“Did a golf ball just hit me?”

“Hell of a shot, Gleason. Right off his pretty little noggin.”

“Ten bucks says you can break his nose with your five-iron, Mr. President.”

“I will, uh, take that wager.”

…

“Hey!”

Mr. Farrow?

“This is just fucking weird, man.”

This is nothing. This is the skin; we haven’t even gotten to the pudding. It gets so much worse.

“I’ll do a different story.”

Ooh, how about outing Lindsey Graham?

“That’s not a story. The story would be if he were straight.”

You’re good, Ronan Farrow. Now go away.

Which One’s Turtle?

July 27, 2018 / / 2 Comments

Oh, they’re not rebooting Entourage, are they?

“No.”

Ryan Adams looks like Patton Oswalt cosplaying as Butthead.

“Leave my friends alone.”

Who’s the rando?

“I have no idea. I assume he’s with Dave.”

Racist.

“You assumed the same thing.”

I did, but my intentions were pure. How’s Saget doing?

“He’s been making child rape jokes, snorting coke, and throwing hookers down the stairs all afternoon.”

Classic Saget.

“The negros, Mr. President. I’ll take them out first.”

“Mm. Good thinking, Gleason. They’re athletic.”

“I thought I was gonna miss Nixon, but you’re the greatest, President Ford.”

LEGENDARY FUNNYMAN DRIVING NOISE

“Fore!”

KONK!

“Got him!”

“Nice shot, Gleason.”

“Holy shit, Dave Chapelle’s friend!”

“My turn.”

UNELECTED PRESIDENT DRIVING NOISE

“Fore.”

KONK!

“Holy shit, Dave Chapelle! HEY! Jackass!”

Me?

“Obviously. Stop this!”

I don’t wanna. At least not until Ryan Adams gets it.

KONK!

“Holy shit, Ryan Adams!”

Okay, we’re done.

“Hate you.”

Have fun with Saget.

The Stacks

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