“Thank you, yes, great, the best. It’s a pleasure to welcome El Presidente Guacamole or whatever to the White House, which is where I live because I’m the president. Guacamole is from Colombia. Hey, I live in the District of Columbia now, sometimes. How about that? Anyway, the whole country is a drug pit full of bad hombres. The worst hombres you’ve ever seen. Together, we must confront the danger of cocaine by using attack helicopters. Later, Attorney General Sessions is gonna announce that we’re putting everyone who ever did cocaine in jail for the rest of their lives. We’re gonna make Colombia pay for it. Great deal.
“We have ICE, which stands for something. Tremendous guys over there, just tremendous. MS-13 is here. Horrible, horrible, large gang. Mexican, but also probably some Colombians. Mexican enough. They come into our schools with bombs and cocaine and they rape. They rape. El Presidente, they rape.”
“Si, rape.”
“This guy gets it. We also discussed Valenzuela. Terrible, terrible thing going on down there in Valenzuela. Is Hillary Clinton in charge down there? That’s how bad it is! Our hemisphere is the best, everyone knows this, even all the other hemispheres. And in this hemisphere, we all want to be free. Very important, freedom. Not to mention the humanitarian, which is awful. What’s going on right now in Valenzuela as far as the humanitarian? Maybe the worst ever. Maybe ever.
“We had meetings, me and El Presidente. He assured me on three separate occasions that I was not under investigation, and I thanked him for that. Good guy, even though I’m having ICE tackle him in about ten minutes.”
“¿Que?”
“Okay, yeah, questions? You the fat one.”
“Thank you, sir. Mr. President, I’d like to get your reaction to Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein’s decision to appoint a special counsel to investigate the Russian interference in the campaign. Was this the right move, or is this part of a ‘witch hunt?'”
“That’s my phrase. I made that up, witch hunt.”
“I don’t know about that, sir.”
“There might be no one alive who has made up as many really, really great phrases as me. ‘Bought the farm.’ I did that, everyone agrees.”
“Sir, please concentrate.”
“Why haven’t Hillary Clinton, who shot someone just the other night, and Barack Obama, who is a black, been court-martialed yet?”
“What?”
“This is a witch hunt. Never in the history of America has there been a bigger witch hunt. A lot of it is jealousy. The Democrats are very, very jealous and they cry and they lash out. They’re violent people, the left, very violent. And the press takes shots at me, too. No president has ever had this many shots taken at him. Okay, next question. Peter. No Russia, no Russia, no Russia.”
“A question about Russia, sir.”
“Dammit. No Russia. And if there was Russia, then it would be legal for me to do. The president can do it because he’s the president and I’m the president.”
“Sir, did you ask James Comey to abandon the investigation into your campaign’s alleged collusion with Russia?”
“No. Next question, Amber.”
“Same question as Peter.”
“No. Next question. Franklin.”
“Same question as Amber.”
“No. Old-fashioned car horn.”
“AhhhROOOOOOgaaaa!”
“There’s no Russia. How could I ask James Comey, who I am taller than, to drop an investigation that doesn’t exist because Russia doesn’t exist? This is all the press, who are liars and should be impaled with sticks, trying to lie and failing because they are all failing very, very bigly. They want to divide the country. I am trying to bring people together, which is why I’m building a wall to keep people out. It’s all gonna be so great, but first we have to get over this fake news and this Russia nonsense.
“Comey comes out for that hearing, and is so, so, so poor. Just very poor. Not a solid performance, and everyone hates him and many people have told me he is illiterate. So those can’t be his memos. Fake memos! My tapes are real, though. Brian?”
“Sir, did you just admit to having tapes of your conversation with James Comey?”
“No tapes, but they’re real. No tapes. Real tapes, but no tapes. Our FBI is the best FBI in the whole world. Even criminals say this, everybody says this. I cherish them. I take the FBI, I hold them to my bosom. And Comey was weak. Embarrassed the agency during the Clinton campaign, and my much more successful campaign. Look at this map:
MAP HOLDING-UP NOISE
“Red is Trump. I’m the red, see all the red? That’s me. Hillary? Blue. Not a lot of blue. This means I have a sacred duty to the FBI to uphold its sanctity. The FBI is so beautiful. So pure. I have been to many, many countries but our FBI is the absolute best. They deserve a leader who isn’t very, very weak. The Deputy AG came out with a letter that was very, very strong, but I ignored it and fired him because I wanted him to stop with all the Russia.
“Next question. Marcus.”
“Mr. President., this week–”
“Swear your loyalty to me.”
“–it was…what?”
“Swear it!”
“No, sir. This week it was revealed that Michael Flynn directly interfered with a military operation involving a country for whom he had been working as an unlicensed contractor.”
“So?”
“Really?”
“Michal Flynn. Great guy. You will never find a better man. Well, me, but other than that: Mike. Just a terrific, terrific, great guy. Knows the family. Been to Mar-A-Lago many times, and always gave me the nicest compliments about it. I’ll tell you this: Mike Flynn knows football better than anyone you’ve ever met. He could be the head coach of an NFL team today. Today, believe me. Just an outstanding guy, and very, very, very loyal to me, which I appreciate.”
“And as to the ties to other countries?”
“Mike is a very friendly guy. Lots of people want to be his friend. I understand it. It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine, sir.”
“It’s fine. Next question. Terrance?”
“It’s totally not fine.”
“It’s fine. Siobhan?”
“As you look back over the past six months or year, have you had any recollection where you’ve wondered if anything you have done has been something that might be worthy of criminal charges in these investigations or impeachment, as some on the left are implying?”
“I’m doing the best job. No other president has had the first 100 days that I’ve had. Everyone thinks so. Jobs are coming back. The stock market is through the roof except for the days when Hillary fixes it like she fixed the Democratic primaries. No expected me to win, and now everyone is saying what a great job I’m doing. Obamacare is about to collapse, and what we’re gonna have is gonna be the best health care and everyone will be happy.
“Business owners say to me, ‘Stop making America great so fast, Mr. President.’ Our businesses are now growing so fast that they can’t add enough workers. Everyone has a job now, the best job. The military is very strong, and I’m gonna cut taxes. No one will have taxes and the biggest military in the world, and there’s no collusion. Even the Russians, who I colluded with, have said there’s no collusion.
“Thank you, great, okay”
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