“Thank you, thank you. We have, as you can see, just the most beautiful day here in the Rose Garden. I own the greatest and most spectacular golf courses on the planet–some would say on the planet–and so I think I know about gardens. And this is one of the best. Rose Garden. Incredible garden, with incredible roses. That’s how it got its name! Roses as far as the eye can see. Knock your socks off.
“We–I, we, whatever–have made tremendous progress. So far, so fast that people are amazed. No one can believe what we’ve got accomplished in such a short time, and despite being stuck with Obama-era regulations that were written specifically to kill white senior citizens. When you compare what we’ve done to other countries, you can’t. When you compare them, you can’t compare them. Italy’s a mess. It was a mess before, but now it’s disgusting. All the Mexicos are infected.
“So I closed the borders, and that made the difference. Europe didn’t close its border, and they let in all those people in scarves, and now there’s corona all over the place. It’s everywhere. So I shut that down, too. Any American now in Europe is stuck there for good. They’re gonna find new lives, they’re gonna be all right.
“I will now unleash the awesome power of a fully-operational American government by declaring a national emergency. Officially. I am officially declaring it. Maybe I should say it in a deep voice. Nationalllll emergencyyyyy. Is there a bell? I thought I rang a bell? Forget it, we’re doing the emergency. Very important words, national emergency. Y’know how they say Use your words? I’m using my words,
“I called Google, and they made me an app. This will be the first disease cured via app, which is incredible. Obama’s website broke down, but my app is gonna cure the corona Jimmy Google, I said to him. You’re gonna help your President. And he couldn’t have been nicer, so many compliments, and they got right to work. Such a dynamic company, really doing well and getting noticed, and that’s great for them. Great for them. The app will be out next week. Next week you get the app, from Google, the Google app.
“The tests are gonna be the most tremendous tests. The American people are gonna have perfect tests. Just absolutely perfect. You’ll go, they’ll swab, maybe they’ll tell you right there. We’re working on doing it in the car. So you drive up and then they swab. And on the way home, you get Popeye’s. No other country is doing that. You can’t get Popeye’s in Germany, and that’s on Angela Merkel. What kind of leader can’t get their people Popeye’s? The Germans can’t wait to get rid of her, everyone tells me that. Mike Pence told me that. Mike, where are you?”
“Here, sir.”
“Mike? Where’s my Mike?”
“Immediately to your right, Mr. President.”
“Mike?”
“Why are you gazing skyward? I wouldn’t be up there, sir.”
…
“Mike?”
“I’ll just slide into the podium here so I can say that no leader in the world, perhaps in the history of the world, has ever conquered a challenge with such alacrity, adroitness, and aplomb as has President Trump done here. We bask in the radiance of his glory, and I break into the Oval Office late in the evening so that I may sniff at his chair. The man not only makes history, but requires that history itself bend to his will. I now refer to Alexander the Great as Alexander the Not As Great As President Trump. While not inclined towards homosexuality, I would allow President Trump to perform it upon me, if he ever so requires. HE HOLDS MY THRALL! All is one, all is Trump.”
“Great, tremendous, such wonderful compliments. Mike Pence is doing the most beautiful job that anyone’s ever seen. So many people are calling me and talking about the job Mike’s doing. Kid Rock was raving. Mr. President, you made such a good decision to put Mike Pence in charge of the corona thing. And he was right. Kid Rock was right. Great job, Mike.
“The private sector has performed so spectacularly. Everyone is coming together, such superstars in the business and retail world, and asking me what they can do. I have some great, great leaders with me now. Artie Starrs from Pizza Hut. Artie?’
“Thank you, Mr. President. I’m honored that you would call me in this time of crisis. I’m a little perplexed as to why you would call me, but still: honored. Pizza Hut pledges to help its employees make up lost–”
“Whatever with that. I don’t care. I brought you here to ask about the crust. You changed it. What happened with the crust?”
“What now?”
“Used to be much fluffier. You ordered Pizza Hut, and you could expect crust like a cloud. Cloud made out of bread, delicious. And lately the fluffiness isn’t there. You changed the crust.”
“We haven’t changed the crust.”
“Absolutely. 100%. You changed the crust. I am known for my sense of taste. Very developed. A lot of kings get professional tasters, but I don’t need one because I taste so well. Different crust!”
“I promise you we haven’t changed the recipe or ingredients.”
MAP PULLING OUT NOISE
“Is that the 2016 electoral map?”
“You see all this red? It says that I’m right, and that you changed the crust.”
“Y’know what? I’ll look into it.”
“What an unbelievable talk we just had. Perfect. I’m gonna take some questions, but first I’m gonna breathe heavily right into the microphone for a little while.
“Shlhhhhh.
“ShLNGTHhhhh.
“Shlhhhhh.
“Okay, question time. Jim Acosta.”
“Mr. President, you were recently in the presence of several people who have since tested positive for the coronavirus. Will you be getting tested?”
“I will give a thousand dollars to anyone who sneezes on Jim Acosta.”
“That’s inappropriate, sir.”
“I will not be tested, because it’s not necessary. I don’t have any symptoms. In fact, I probably have the fewest symptoms of anything, ever. No one doesn’t have symptoms like me. Joe Biden has plenty of symptoms. I heard he’s got herpes. Maybe you should ask Joe Biden if he’s been tested for herpes.”
“I’m not going to ask him that.”
“You’re not getting the vaccine. When the vaccine is invented, which it will be very quickly, you can’t have any. Okay, next question. Black lady.”
“Mr. President, what responsibility do you bear for the lack of response in the light of the fact that you disbanded the White House pandemic office?”
“I knew I shouldn’t have picked a black lady. That’s a very rude and low-class question. You should be ashamed to ask filth like that. Ignorant. Very ignorant. Clearly, the responsibility is not mine. It may turn out to be someone who’s standing up here with me, but not me. The Chinese. Definitely their fault, a little bit. Some people are talking about this is a bioweapon that got loose, but I don’t know. Maybe. Not my fault.”
“You don’t think having an office preparing for this specific event would have helped?”
“That’s a hoax. That whole thing was a Democrat hoax.”
“It wasn’t.”
MAP PULLING OUT NOISE
“Oh, not the map again.”
“Map says it was a Democrat hoax. In conclusion, there will be 100 million tests available on Monday morning. I now leave someone else to answer any follow-up questions while I go get Popeye’s.”
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