- Robert Mueller.
- Rod Rosenstein.
- Cardi B. (“Not a good black!”)
- Jeff Sessions.
- The manager for the Philadelphia Phillies.
- The Philly Phanatic.
- Don McGahn. (“Only one Don in the White House, everyone knows this, everyone. It’s a rule.”)
- Sarah Huckabee Sanders. (“I thought I would get used to looking at her. Never did. Bad face and fat!”)
- Preet Bharara, again.
- John Kelly.
- Gene Kelly. (“Ask Debbie Reynolds why! She knows!”)
- Captain Phasma.
- Jared Kushner. (“From whatever job he does and from son-in-law. Double firing, I can do that, the Constitution says so, and it’s such a wonderful document that everyone loves so much.”)
- Billy Martin.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: donald trump (Page 9 of 32)
- The Avengers.
- Trench full of hungry, racist crocodiles.
- What if we do like Bugs Bunny does to Florida, but to Mexico? We get the biggest, most beautiful saw anyone’s ever seen, bing bong zip, cut it right off.
- Let Jared take care of it.
- We could do a bipartisan, or maybe a comprehensive.
- What if we send our worst blacks down there?
- Execute Jeff Bezos.
- 20% tariff on Taco Bell.
- Sharks.
- General, how many Robocops do we have? General? Where’s my General?
- Sean Hannity is an expert at karate, let’s ask him.
- Nuking North Korea.
“Great, look, children. Hello, children, I am the President because I beat Hillary Clinton very, very badly. She was bad. Can you say ‘Crooked Hillary?’ Many of her friends ate children, or had sex with them. John Podesta. Podesta the Molesta. Bad guy, kids, and I want you to forget all about that because I am the President, like I said and everyone knows, and I will keep you safe while you look for whatever. Eggs? Eggs, whatever, great.”
“WAAAAAAAAH!”
“What is it doing? It’s making a noise, and not a very good one. An awful noise, If I’m honest. Someone come get it. General?”
“Sir.”
“General Kelly? Where’s my General?”
“Right next to you, sir.”
“General? Is this you in the bunny suit?”
“No, I’m not in the fucking…no, sir. Swivel.”
“Like this?”
“No, that’s bending over.”
“I can’t see you, General.”
“Straighten up and turn around.”
“Like this?”
“You’re doing the Macarena.”
“I was the first one to do the Macaroni. No one gives me credit for being a pioneer of dance. Oh, there you are. Get rid of the kids.”
“They all fled, sir.”
“Good, good. Bring ’em back when they’ve graduated business school. I let the wives do the kids, General. That’s their deal. Kids. They got snot all over them, real gross stuff. Shit everywhere. Not my thing! Wife does that, and the nannies, whatever. And then, you know, you got nannies in the house and sometimes you can get in there. You a nannybanger, General?”
“I never married, nor had children, sir.”
“Fag? I don’t care, just asking.”
“Sir, we have had this exact conversation five times a day for going on a year now.”
“Let’s talk to the press.”
“Oh, please, no.”
“Press? Where’s my press? Press?”
PRESS BEING SHUFFLED IN NOISE
“You are all fake news.”
“Sir, can you say whether–”
“Maggie, lemme take someone else’s question. I’ll call you secretly later.”
“Jesus, man. Not out loud.”
“Press? Where’s the press? You, Jim. Jim, are you lying or failing?”
“Neither, sir. I’m with CNN.”
“You are lying and failing. Very, very fake and negative and maybe not nice. Very not nice, when I have set records with every segment of the black economy. The wall is being built. It’s almost done, very close to being complete and so beautiful. No one has a wall like this. China called me, this is true. They called and said, ‘Mr. Trump, our wall is good, but you have the best wall.’ They said that, and it was a real compliment to me because, you know, they’re known for their wall. But mine is better. Great, great wall. They said, ‘Maybe your’s should be called the Greatest Wall.’ They said that. The Chinese.”
“Do you have any comment on the new tariffs they’ve announced?”
“There are recreational vehicles full of Mexicans coming up here right now. As we speak. Huge line of RV’s heading north, and they’ve all got knives and diseases and because we don’t have the wall, many women will be violated and shot with Uzis. They’re coming from everywhere. There’s Mexicans from Argentina, Colombia, wherever. And they’re on their way. Maybe that’s a job for the Army? General? Can I bomb Mexico to stop Uzis?”
“Do you want Buffalo wings, Mr. President?”
“Yes, let’s do that. When I went to Wharton, which everyone recognizes is the best business school in the world, I was thinking about going pro in wing-eating. Nobody could beat me. People would come up to me on the street and say, ‘Hey, I heard you ate the most wings, 80, 90, 100, who remembers how many?’ And I didn’t have any trick. I’m just good at a lot of things naturally.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Bring back the kids. I have important things to tell them. Only the good ones. You know. The good ones. Only American kids.”
CHILDREN BEING SHUFFLED IN NOISE
“Kids, we’re at the White House. Many, many Presidents have lived here and the staff keeps it up real nice. Super-duper shape. A lot of the staff are blacks, but they still work hard. Shrubs are overgrown? Bing bing bong, you got neat shrubs. You could even live here if you’re in a wheelchair. Roosevelt. Wheelchair. Still won World War Two. Never stood up, but he won a war. That’s big, that’s killer. And I got snipers on the roof. Snipers, come on out! Snipers? Where are my snipers?”
“Sir, we like to downplay the ‘snipers on the roof’ thing.”
“Snipers?”
“Sir, the children.”
“They all have to go back to Mexico.”
“Yes, sir. Wings?”
“Let’s do wings, great, absolutely.”
“Good afternoon, and welcome to OutFront. I’m your host, Erin Burnett, and today we have as our David Schwartz, an attorney who is representing Michael Cohen, who is the lawyer for President Trump. Did I get that right?”
“You did. Thank you for having me, Ms. Burnett.”
“Just to clarify: you’re the President’s lawyer’s lawyer.”
“Yuh-huh.”
“Mr. Schwartz, you’re here today to discuss the contract between the President and Stormy Daniels. There seem to be–and virtually all legal scholars agree on this–massive problems with the contract. First of all, it wasn’t signed by then-candidate.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because he didn’t know about it.”
“Excuse me?”
“You have to understand the relationship between Michael Cohen and Donald Trump. Michael ran around putting out fires all day. Quite frankly, if he bothered the President with every settlement he made with a porn star, then Mr. Trump wouldn’t have had any time to build all his grand skyscrapers. It was a weekly thing.”
“You’re saying that the contract signed by Ms. Daniels–”
“Who takes it up the tushee.”
“–was not only not signed by Donald Trump, but he didn’t even know it existed?”
“That’s precisely what I’m saying. You can’t be blackmailed if you don’t know you’re being blackmailed. And then the black guy puts his finger to his temple. Like in the meme.”
“Sir–
“Do you know that meme, Erin?”
“I do. Sir–”
“My kids are crazy for memes.”
“Mr. Schwartz, the problem with your statement is that what you’re describing is completely unethical and may get your client disbarred and the contract voided.”
“It’ll be fine. We’ll grease a judge, the whole thing’ll go away.”
“Did you just say that you’d bribe a judge?”
“Bribe? No. Such an ugly word. I’d never bribe a judge. I would befriend a judge. That’s not a crime.”
LAWYER IN A ROLLY CHAIR BEING PUSHED OFF A SET NOISE
“Ms. Burnett, let me clarify what my client just misspoke.”
“Who are you?”
“I’m Barry Goldstein. I’m Mr. Schwartz’s lawyer.”
“Wait. You’re the President’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer?”
“You say that as if it’s something abnormal.”
“Because it is.”
“That’s a rather bigoted view, Ms. Burnett. Everyone is entitled to legal representation. Now: my client in no way advocated or expressed any actual interest in bribing any judges. He was speaking hypothetically and taken out of context.”
“Which one?”
“Whichever you like. The crux of the issue here is that, like my client said, Ms. Daniels takes it up the tushee and therefore cannot be trusted. She was given Mr. Kostaya’s $130,000 out of the kindness of Mr. Cohen’s heart.”
“Wait, what? Who is Mr. Kostaya?”
“He gave Mr. Cohen the money to give to Stormy. Great guy. Big tipper. Mr. Cohen met him in Prague or somewhere.”
“I’m assuming this Mr. Kostaya is Russian?”
“Russian as hell! Vodka, furry hats, the whole schmear.”
“And what does Mr. Kostaya do?”
“Something in the field of oligarchy.”
LAWYER IN A ROLLY CHAIR BEING PUSHED OFF A SET NOISE
“Ms. Burnett, my client misspoke.”
“Who are you!?”
“I’m Mr. Goldstein’s lawyer, Baruch Feldman.”
“The President’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer?”
“It’s lawyers all the way down, Erin. There is no Mr. Kostaya. My client Mr. Goldstein has a drinking problem and is also not precisely an attorney.”
“I’m shocked.”
“Mostly, he’s a bagman for Mr. Trump. But he also does goon duty. For example, he was the one who threatened Ms. Daniels in the parking lot.”
“What?”
LAWYER IN A ROLLY CHAIR BEING PUSHED OFF A SET NOISE
“Robble robble.”
“No! You are not an attorney, Hamburgler!”
“Robble robble!”
“How is that anti-Semitic?”
“Robble–”
“We’ll be right back.”
“Russian Jenkins!”
“Da, sir.”
“Vhat did Putin tell you about comedic Russian accents?”
“Only you get to have one, sir.”
“Da. Putin is star of dialogue.”
“Yes, sir.”
“So many phone calls.”
“Well, you have so many phones.”
“Putin has most phones in vorld. Very important person.”
“You’re a VIP, sir.”
“Do nyet do that. Acronyms are for degenerates and the veak.”
“If you say so, sir.”
“China call. Say vonderful things. They have gift to honor Putin.”
“A gift? That’s lovely. What are they sending?”
“Not sending. Doing. Remember the thing in Singapore?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Now is nyet thing in Singapore.”
“That’s a great gift.”
“Is just Putin’s size. And I am tough to shop for!
“Finding your Christmas present is always a nightmare for me, sir.”
“Vhat do you get the man who has killed everyone?”
“True, sir.”
“Cuba sent cigars.”
“Cuba always sends cigars.”
“Is their thing.”
“Has Chancellor Merkel called yet, sir?”
“She text.”
“Bitch.”
“Is mean lady. But Putin is vaiting on best call.”
“Him?”
“Da. You stay. Put on speaker.”
“I’m gonna laugh, sir.”
“Do nyet laugh!”
“He’s just so–”
RUSSIAN TELEPHONE NOISE
“It’s him, it’s him.”
“I’m so excited!”
“Do not make me judo you, Jenkins.”
“Yes, sir.”
RUSSIAN PHONE PICKING-UP NOISE
“Da. Is Putin.”
“General?”
“Nyet. Is Putin.”
“General? Is this my General?”
“Goddammit, Mr. President, I’m standing right next to you.”
“I knew that and you know that I knew that, everyone says so. Who am I on the phone with? Tell me it’s not Mexico.”
“You’re on the phone with Vladimir Putin, sir.”
“Oh, he’s great.”
“Yes, sir. Now, please remember: don’t congratulate him.”
“Right, sure, congratulate him.”
“No. No, sir. Do not congratulate him.”
“Sure, of course, do not forget to congratulate him.”
“Jesus fucking Christ.”
“Putin can hear you two.”
“Vladimir!”
“Do nyet call me that.”
“President Putin!”
“Is better. Hello, Donald.”
“Congratulations!”
FORMER MARINE BANGING HIS HEAD AGAINST AN OVAL WALL NOISE
“Spaceeba, Donald. This means ‘Thank you’ in Russian.”
“Beautiful language, just spectacular. There’s a lot of really, really gorgeous languages out there, but you can’t beat Russian. A lot of people would go with English, they’d say ‘The President is supposed to root for English,’ but I didn’t set the Electoral College on fire by listening to anyone. Mexican, not a great language. Whatever the hell that African thing is with the clicks and whatever, not great. I think they’re making it up! Fake language!”
“Da. Russian is tongue of poets.”
“Your election win was absolutely spectacular, President Putin. The people over there love you. Maybe even more than the American people love me, not that you’d know from the lying media who just want to report about chaos and gossip, and who don’t see–and so many people see this–that I’m getting things done for my country. We’re gonna start executing drug dealers.”
“Is good start. Must be strong, Donald.”
“Strong, sure, right, strong.”
“People vant strong hand to guide them. People are veak and foolish. Need powerful man to keep them safe.”
“I have some of the strongest hands anyone has ever seen.”
MUFFLED RUSSIAN GIGGLING NOISE
“Da, da. Such strong.”
“No one thought you could accomplish what you did in the election, but you proved them wrong.”
“Putin front on the haters.”
“True, great, true, sure. Listen, I gotta go. I got a bucket of KFC here and my show is on.”
“Sounds like you have busy day planned.”
“No President has ever worked harder than me. Maybe you, but I’m talking about Americans. None. Okay, it’s chicken time. I’ll call you later on the private line.”
“Da.”
AMERICAN PHONE HANGING UP NOISE
“Two things, Jenkins.”
“Yes, sir?”
“Vun: I can’t believe how lucky I am.”
“You’re having a good run.”
“Two: now Putin vant fried chicken.”
“I’ll call the kitchen.”
As President Donald Trump’s reaction to special counsel Robert Mueller grows more irate by the day, attorneys on both sides sat down last week in a rare face-to-face discussion about the topics investigators could inquire of the President. It was the first in-person meeting after several weeks of informal discussions between the two sides, according to two sources familiar with the talks.
…Mueller himself didn’t attend the meeting. But prosecutors including former Watergate prosecutor James Quarles III gave Trump’s lawyers enough detail that the President’s team wrote a memo with possible questions they expect to be asked of him. – CNN, 3/20/17
“Mr. Cobb.”
“Mr. Quarles.”
“I still can’t believe your name is Ty Cobb.”
“No one can. Did you have any trouble getting into the White House?”
“No, but I did notice a lot of people crying and fighting in the hallways.”
“The White House is a finely-tuned machine, Mr. Quarles. That’s normal for any workplace.”
“Stephen Miller is shooting up with his door open.”
“Finely-tuned machine. Shall we get to the point?”
“Yes. The Special Counsel’s Office has several fields of query in which we’d like to question the President.”
“We want to cooperate.”
“We’d like to ask him about his firing of James Comey.”
“We won’t cooperate with that.”
“Why not?”
“Just won’t.”
“That’s not a reason.”
“Nuh-uh.”
“‘Nuh-uh?’ That’s your legal argument? ‘Nuh-uh?'”
“I don’t know how to say it in Latin.”
“We’ll come back to James Comey. We have questions about Jeff Sessions’ meetings with Ambassador Kislyak.”
“Can you believe that guy’s still alive?”
“Shocker.”
“Right? And the President will not discuss Jeff Sessions’ meetings.”
“The reason being?”
“Executive Privilege.”
“Not how Executive Privilege works.”
“Doctor-patient confidentiality?”
“Stop that.”
“The President will under no circumstances take questions about any of AG Sessions’ meetings with Russians.”
“Wait. Meetings? Were there other meetings he had with Russians we don’t know about?”
…
…
…
“Nooooo.”
“Uh-huh. Mr. Cobb, let’s try this: what will your client discuss?”
“Oh, great. I have prepared a list. Let’s see: how about football?”
“What?”
“President Trump loves talking football.”
“That’s irrelevant to the investigation.”
“How about celebrity gossip?”
“Does the President enjoy celebrity gossip?”
“Very much so. Far more than you’d hope a Commander-In-Chief would, but that’s what makes him unique.”
“No gossip chat, thank you.”
“The next one I wrote down verbatim from the President.”
“Okay.”
“This isn’t my phrasing.”
“Gotcha.”
“We could talk pussy.”
“That sounds like him.”
“I assure you.”
“I believe you. But, uh, no. Let’s not discuss…whatever that would be.”
“The President gets remarkably graphic. He describes labia.”
“Didn’t need to know.”
DOOR OPENING NOISE
“General? Is my General here?”
“Mr. President, I’m in here with the attorney from the Special Counsel’s Office.”
“General?”
“Sir.”
“Hopester?”
“Sir, tilt your head slightly down.”
“I saw you there, Ty. I’m the best at seeing people where they are. Ty, I’m about to send out another tweet, and many people think that my tweets were what got me into the White House. All the losers say, ‘Mr. President Trump, calm down with the tweets. Enough with the tweets.’ But they’re out there, and I’m a winner, beautiful tweets.”
“What does it say, sir?”
“I’m gonna call Mueller’s wife ugly.”
“Oh, please don’t do that, Mr. President.”
“Who is this? I know who this is because I do and you should believe me, but who is this?”
“This is the attorney from the Special Counsel’s Office. James Quarles.”
“James, have you had lunch? We’re getting Wendy’s. The chicken sandwich over there is so fantastic, the best you’ll ever eat. Some people get it with mayo, but I like the full chicken taste. Gimme chicken on my sandwich. Fries are good. Not McDonald’s. Gotta be honest and say that. Obama wouldn’t say that, but he probably preferred Burger King. Those people like Burger King. Wendy’s?”
“No, thank you, sir.”
“You can get chili.”
“I’m fine, sir.”
“I’ll get you a chili. You’ll have chili. James?”
“Yes, sir.”
“I need loyalty.”
“You gotta be kidding me.”
“Sir! I think I heard Jared calling you. Maybe he solved the Middle East.”
“Jared? Jared? General?”
DOOR CLOSING NOISE
“Y’know what, Ty? We’ll agree to any conditions you want. Just get your guy in the room with us, okay?”
“He’s gonna perjure himself during the oath.”
“Oh, yeah.”
“Leave the ice cream where it is, Junior.”
“Five second rule!”
“No, that doesn’t apply to soft-serve ice cream. Where did you even get that?”
“My other lawyer’s office.”
“How many lawyers did you see today?”
“Five? Six? Wait. Does it count if they’re not lawyers in America? Like they were from another–”
“STOP TALKING. I don’t wanna hear it! I am just your divorce attorney. Please don’t mention any other cases you may or may not have going on.”
“Do you have any dirt on Hillary Clinton?”
“Junior, let’s talk about the divorce. You have five children.”
“Yeah, they’re great kids. There’s Junior, Jr., Donaldina. Uh. Tall girl. Oh, one of ’em smells real weird. And I think the fifth is named Snow Shovel.”
“I’m almost positive your kid’s name is not Snow Shovel.”
“It’s something. I know my wife gave him a name. She’s real good with the kids like that: they all got names, and hands, and everything.”
“She sounds wonderful. What about custody?”
“It’s too rich and sweet for me.”
“Not custard, Junior. Custody. Who gets the kids.”
“Can we give them to Batman?”
“No.”
“But they’d be Robins!”
“No.”
“Fine. I’ll take them.”
“You want custody of your children? You want to take care of them?”
“Sure. One question.”
“Is the question ‘How do you take care of a child?'”
…
“Are you a psychic? If you’re a psychic, you have to tell me. That’s the law.”
“Let’s circle back to the custody. How many houses do you own?”
“Well, let’s see. There’s the White House…”
“You don’t own the White House.”
“It’s a Trump Organization property.”
“Besides the White House.”
“Like, three or four?”
“Is it three or four?”
“Are we counting treehouses?”
“Do you live in it?”
“I go there when I get sad.”
“We’re not counting it.”
“I don’t know. Three or four. I don’t have, like, too many houses. Just enough. I have the right amount of houses.”
“What about cars?”
“I liked the second one the best. Mater’s funny.”
“Not the movie Cars, Junior. Automobiles. How many do you own?”
“I have a Jeep. Sometimes, when I’m too sad even for the treehouse, I’ll put on a flannel and drive out to the woods to sit on a stump.”
“We’ve all seen the picture.”
“And I have a Mercedes, which is a business car, because I am a businessman.”
“Okay.”
“And I have a Lada. Cutest little sucker.”
“A Lada? Why the hell would you have a Lada?”
“A Russian oligarch gave it to me as a gift after we–”
“STOP TALKING.”
“It’s a funny story! We were in Dubai, and–”
“Shut up! Just talk to me about the divorce! Nothing else.”
“I still wanna pick up my ice cream.”
“Leave the ice cream on the floor, dammit. What about alimony?”
“My wife doesn’t know about Alimony.”
“Is Alimony a stripper?”
“No. She’s a feature dancer.”
“Uh-huh.”
“That means she’s the star.”
“The money, Junior. What are we going to do about the money?”
“The money? Oh, right. Wait, hold on. I want to–”
PAPER UNFOLDING NOISE
“–‘give that bitch wife of yours everything so that cocksucker Mueller can’t come after it.'”
PAPER REFOLDING NOISE
“That is what I want.”
“Goddamn you, Junior.”
INTERCOM NOISE
“Sir, there’s a phone call for you.”
“Is it Robert Mueller?”
“How did you guess?”
“I’m a psychic.”
“I knew it!”
“Shut up, Junior.
OVAL OFFICE – NOONISH
“General? Where’s my general?”
“Right here, sir.”
“General Kelly? General?”
“Stop looking all around the room, Mr. President.”
“General?”
“I’m just gonna tap you on the shoulder.”
“Oh, there you are. General, this is a big day. Maybe the biggest day in White House history. Have I shown you the Lincoln Bedroom?”
“Dozens of times, sir.”
“Beautiful bedroom, Republican bedroom. Lincoln was a Republican, which most people don’t know. Even though he had a beard, he was a Republican. Wild, right?”
“Crazy, sir. We should get to the auditions for Secretary of State.”
“Ring-Dings first.”
“After the first candidate, sir.”
“Are you trying to manage me, General!? Do I need to be managed like a little fucking baby!? I’m not a fucking baby! Gimme my Ring-Dings!”
INDIVIDUALLY-WRAPPED COMMERCIAL PASTRY BEING HANDED OVER NOISE
“Ooh, Ring-Ding.”
“I’ll invite the first candidate in, sir.”
“Great, sure, okay, fine, Ring-Ding.
DOOR OPENING NOISE
“Ahh! Jesus! The inner-city!”
“Mr. President, that’s former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.”
“I knew that. I told you that. I knew that much, much more than anyone thought, but I surprised them and beat 32 people to get the nomination. Conestoga?”
“My name is Condoleeza, Mr. President.”
“Is that your real name or your rap name?”
“I am not going to answer that question.”
“I know all the rap guys. Good friends of mine. Diddy, I know Diddy. Big money guy, real killer. Lil Jon was on The Apprentice. Excellent player, good at the game. Snoop. Tall. Very tall, Snoop. They all tell me, ‘Mr. Trump, thank you for your inspiration.’ I played golf with Ja Rule.”
“Good for you, sir.”
“Cunnilingus–”
“Nope.”
“–I’m very interested in you being thee next Secretary of State in order to open up relations with Wakanda, but I’m gonna need to see your birth certificate.”
“I’m outta here.”
DOOR CLOSING PROFESSIONALLY, BUT FIRMLY NOISE
“I turned her down. You saw that, General.”
“Yes, sir. Sent her packing.”
“The best people, all the great, talented people: they all want a piece of the White House. I get–and you know this is true, General–the best people in the world. They’re knocking down the door, the best people.”
KNOCKING ON DOOR NOISE
“See?”
“Oh, I think you’ll like this candidate, President Trump. Come on in!”
WHRRRRRRR
“What the hell is that thing?”
“This is the IT-O Interrogator droid.
WHRRRRRRR
“Is it just gonna hover there?”
“That’s what it does, sir.”
“No. Gotta have legs. You know who doesn’t have legs, General? Snakes, sharks, Tammy Duckworth. Can’t trust anything without legs, very important, some people say in the top five limbs. You ever see what the Koreans are doing with their legs?”
“I don’t know, sir.”
“Killing us! They’re laughing at us with their legs. Gotta have legs.”
“O…kay.”
DOOR CLOSING NOISE
“General, I’m not impressed by your picks. I make the most wonderful picks, and you’re just blowing it. Maybe I do Secretary of State? I do a comprehensive, put everything together. I mean, I took care of Rocket Man, bing bang dong. It was easy, easy, and Obama couldn’t do it. Both Bushes, Daddy and Whatever, they couldn’t do it. Hillary sent North Korea plutonium as a Christmas present, and then she tried to pass a law that you couldn’t say ‘Merry Christmas.’ I saw a tape of it, believe me. The worst.”
“Yes, sir. Perhaps this next fellow will be more to your liking.”
“Robble robble.”
“Hamburgler!”
“Robble robble.”
“You look so good, very handsome.”
“Robble robble.”
“Thank you, it’s from the Trump Tie Collection, which are probably the greatest neckties ever sold. I’ve had so many people call me up. Kid Rock. Can you believe that? He calls me and says, ‘Mr. Trump, I’m a rocker guy, I don’t do neck ties, but I had this fancy thing to attend and I put on one of your ties and, like, wow.’ Kid Rock said it was the most comfortable tie he’d ever worn, which is a great compliment to me, a beautiful compliment. Kid Rock.”
“Robble robble.”
“We can work out your salary, we can work out the money, don’t worry about the money. I think you’re my guy. We should celebrate. Let’s get some burgers.”
“Robble robble?”
“Burgers.”
“Robble robble!”
DOOR SLAMMING NOISE
“What happened? General?”
“Well, he’s got a hamburger for a head. You basically accused him of being a cannibal.”
“Fake news.”
“Yes, sir. Never happened.”
“Is Mayor McCheese available?”
“We’re going to have the same problem there, too, sir.”
“Now I want burgers.”
“Yes, sir. What should we do about Secretary of State?”
“Who’s the fatty running the CIA?”
“Mike Pompeo.”
“He’ll do.”
- Millennium Falcon, but made out of gold.
- The most beautiful zap guns you’ve ever seen.
- Burger King on the moon.
- The Enterprise, but named after Ivanka.
- The uniforms have to be classy.
- Robots and computers can’t talk ebonics.
- Build a ringworld and make the Martians pay for it.
- I wanna be able to drop stuff on people I don’t like.
- CNN’s satellite gets shot down the first day.
- Death ray.
House Permanent Select
Committee On Intelligence
Russia Investigation
Overview
Following a more than yearlong, very bipartisan no matter what the Democrats say, investigation into Russian active measures targeting the 2016 U.S. election, the House Intelligence Committee has completed a draft report of 150+ pages, with 600+ citations. The plus sign means that there’s MORE than 600 citations, and that is a shitload of citations. There are also several graphs, many charts, and a number of crude drawings of Adam Schiff having sex with a dead coyote. The draft report addresses, in detail, each of the questions within the agreed parameters of the investigation, as announced in March 2017. It analyzes:
- President Sotero’s disastrous failure to counteract Russian active measures against the United States.
- That there was no collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia.
- The history of secret American intervention into foreign country’s politics, so maybe we deserved this, huh?
Initial Findings
- While President Putin is brave and strong, it does appear that rogue factions within the Russian Federation attacked America and her allies during 2016.
- Or maybe it was the Jews?
- Barack Obama, too busy purchasing hair picks with fists on the handle, ignored many of his advisors that warned of Russian interference.
- No collusion.
- No collusion.
- Hillary did Benghazi.
- The FBI also did Benghazi.
Proposed Recommendations
This draft also includes over 25 recommendations, among them:
- Appointing Barron as Cyber Czar.
- Assembling the Avengers.
- Asking President Putin if he did one more time, but making him Swear he didn’t do it.
- Like, on a Bible.
- Executing Hillary Rodham Clinton in public.
Conclusion
No collusion.
This draft will be available to the public on the 17th, but Sean Hannity will get it on the 12th.
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