The Democratic Field: A Guide For The Perplexed

There are now officially 2.33 Wu-Tang Clans-worth of Democrats running for President. Look at the person on your left, and now the one on your right: both of them are running for President, and so are you. Every American not currently wearing a MAGA cap has thrown their hats into the Democratic primaries.

Stop it.

There’s too many of ’em, man! Game over!

Aw, now I’m sad thinking about Bill Paxton. You ruin everything.

May I continue?

May? Yes, you may. I wish you wouldn’t, but I can’t stop you.

Thank you. To get you, the American Enthusiast, all pepped up for what will surely be an enlightening and high-minded campaign that centers on issues, and not personalities, TotD now presents: A Guide for the Perplexed: Democratic Primaries Edition. It will be in alphabetical order because the Atlantic article I’m cribbing all my facts from is in alphabetical order, so it’s easier that way.*

David Michael Bennet Senator from Colorado. Never seen a toad in real life. He’s been places with lots of toads, but they just seem to disappear when he steps outside. Why is that, Father? his daughter asked when she was a child. Why do the toads shun you? For years, he apologized for striking her. But she couldn’t know. No one could know. Not about his deal with the Toad King. Probably real liberal about weed.

Joe Biden Ex-Senator from Delaware, which shouldn’t exist, but the banks need a state to have tax orgies in. It’s a scam with a flag, like having the Cayman Islands be attached to Maryland. Joe is not from Delaware, not originally. He is from Scranton, Pennsylvania, which The Office made fun of as boring, but used to be utterly wretched: coal mines, and poverty, and a near-constant fistcuffery. Joe will tell you all of this while looking you in the eye, maybe grabbing your tit. He will tell you about his father, and how hard the man worked, when he meets you in a diner. You were sitting there, not bothering anyone, eating your meatloaf–they do a good meatloaf here–and now here’s this goon eyefucking you while babbling about his dead father. Hey man, you think, we all got dead dads. Lemme get back to my ‘loaf. But he won’t. Now he’s onto some shit about civilizing discourses and doing the things the right way and you can smell your gravy going cold. Congealing is a chemical reaction; it produces an aroma; this is a fact. You’ve argued about this with Cristianna before. She won’t listen to reason. She’s the best mom in the world, but the woman knows fuck-all about gravy, and she won’t admit it. That’s the annoying part. That she won’t just give up when she’s provably wrong. You demonstrated the congealation. Whipped up some gravy in the kitchen. Head her watch. More importantly, had her smell. And the bitch REFUSED to acknowledge what was plain to anyone, anyone in the world, and now you are eating meatloaf in a typical American diner, being typical, being American, and Uncle Yippy is going to insinuate his way into your meatloaf–the highlight of your day since Cristianna ate the children, which you also disagreed with her about–and now you’re pissing on Joe Biden, mightily. The Secret Service get you, but not before you get him. You pissed all over that big fucker. Good for you.

Seth Moulton I have never heard of this person. Apparently, he is a Harvard-educated former Navy Seal who has served three terms in the House for Massachusetts. Impressive resume, but his name is Seth and therefore he cannot be President of the United States. Our enemies would think us weak if we elected a “Seth.” No go.

Eric Swalwell A “swalwell” is a English term that might date back to Brythonic language; it means “to gnash the peasants.”

Mike Gravel Mike Gravel is your pick, Enthusiasts. He’s 88 and ran out of fucks last century; the Twin Towers were still up when Senator Gravel saw his final fuck float away. Plus, he wants to end all military activity, send all the teens to college, and pay for your splenectomies. And abolish the Electoral College. And break up the big tech companies. And he doesn’t want to be President; he’s just letting some idealistic young punks run his campaign for him. Mike Gravel is the Grateful Deadest candidate.

Tim Ryan Wasn’t he the Speaker of the House? I do not know who this creature is, and he has a hatefully boring name. If your name is something as dreary as “Tim Ryan,” you owe it to the world to acquire a cool nickname. You should be Timbledon, Tim. Hop to it.

Kristen Gillebrand No. it’s Kirstin Gilliband. You have no idea, and neither do I. She is the Senator from New York who isn’t straight out of a Phillip Roth novel. NOTE: lady.

Beto O’Rourke Fuckable. Good at the talky-talk. Thoroughly underqualified. Stupid first name and Irish last name. We would never elect a man like that.

John Hickenlooper This guy is Colorado’s Jerry Brown, basically. All the positions you’d imagine he holds, he holds. Except for the thing where he wants to nuke Spain, and that he would do it immediately upon taking office. Like, he wouldn’t even give a speech; just say the oath and grab for the football so those Catalonian fucks get what’s coming to them.

Jay Inslee Made up. Not a real person.

Bernie Sanders Fuck Commie Grandpa.

Amy Klobuchar I try to never refer to Schrödinger and his theorem, as it’s such a cliche, but the man’s insight does come to mind when one contemplates Donald Trump as this moment (5/3/19): he is both The Most Beatable Incumbent In History or Allfather Trump, (PBUH). None of the candidates have, so far, used the slogan The Dummy is Costing you Money. They should go with that.

Elizabeth Warren Basketball Head would have her for lunch. She would sit there on the table getting cold next to a pile of Wendy’s chicken sandwiches, and some poor college athletes would have to eat her. The athletes were given much direction by the Athletic Director before they entered the White House. Plus, the Pocahontas deal. Not the name itself, which Turnip is a piece of shit for promulgating, but how she handled it. A DNA test? You introduced facts into a fight with Donald Trump? BUSH LEAGUE. Stay in the Senate.

Kamala Harris His head would explode. His giant, spherical, peach-colored head would explode. She wouldn’t even have to do anything, just be a black lady around him.

Pete Buttigieg Homosexuals can’t be President; it’s in the Bible. The fact is also the basis of several Dukes of Hazard episodes which don’t get included in the DVD compilations.

Julian Castro Julian Castro has been the next big star of the Democratic Party for 40 or 50 years now. And he’s a twin. Twins can’t be President, either. That’s not in the Bible, but it should be.

John Delaney Before your mom met your dad, she fucked a lot of dudes. And before your dad met your mom, he fucked a lot of dudes, too.

Tulsi Gabbard That was childish, the last one. You’re right. Fuck Tulsa Gobbler. Hawaii’s shouldn’t be a state, either. Delaware, Hawaii, Rhode Island: done. The Dakotas should be combined, as should Wisconsin/Michigan, Illinois/Indiana, and Alabama/Mississippi. Arkansas should be given to the Chinese as a gift of friendship. (The Chinese are killing us, folks. Just killing us. Belt and Road? Very bad for round-eye.)

Andrew Yang Reddit loves this guy, so fuck this guy. No memes. I want the next President to be young, but not young enough that their memery is any good.

Marianne Williamson She is an inspirational speaker. I never get inspired by inspirational speakers. I always picture them alone in their hotel rooms after their speeches.

Cory Booker Homosexuals can’t be President; it’s in the Bible.

Steve Bullock Ah, shit, y’all: Deadwood trailer.

A very quick deployment of Google-Fu does not reveal whether Steve Bullock, current Governor of Montana, is related to Seth Bullock, former Sheriff of Deadwood.

Wayne Messam Admit that you don’t know whether or not I made this guy up. Admit that you had to look him up. And, hey: it’s not like I blame you, but don’t get up on your high horse. Also: stop getting your horse high. Mickey used to do that shit, and it’s not right.

Bill DeBlasio Mayor of New York City is a better job than President of the United States, at least if you’re a politician.

*Apparently, it is not in alphabetical order. You live, you learn.