And the other two credit reporting companies, which I think are called Yoyodyne and Weyland-Yeutani. But fuck Equifax in particular, and in an orifice not of Equifax’s choosing, because they apparently use the honor system as security on their databases. Baddies stole all your info, Enthusiasts! Was it the ChiComs? The St. Petersburg-based Internet Research Agency? What about Barron? I heard Barron was good with the cyber, so maybe Barron Trump now has all your personal information and is using it to catfish Rebel Wilson. (Barron likes his ladies large and not funny.)

Shockingly enough, a federal agency is still staffed and pursuing its mission: the Federal Trade Commission slapped Equifax with an enormous class action suit on behalf of 150 million people the business fucked; the suit was settled, and if you were included in the breach–the odds of which are roughly 50%–you’re entitled to one hundred and twenty-five American dollars. SECURE YOUR BAG. Get that money, ho.

(For those of you wary of giving Equifax your private information: THEY ALREADY HAD IT. That’s what started this whole mess. It takes less than a minute; the only way to make money faster than that is to be a sex worker who exclusively caters to premature ejaculators. GO GET YOUR FUCKING MONEY.)

I will expect a Finder’s Free of ten percent from each of you.