What the fuck is this?
“Dude, we had the best Oscar night party ever! I recreated the Vanity Fair red carpet in my house and invited cool people over and I did an episode of my Instagram talk show.”
I’m literally begging you to start doing coke.
“Stop it.”
Just try shooting up one time. Just once. You’ll probably hate it.
“I thought you snorted coke. You can shoot it?”
You can shoot anything if you’re cool enough.
“IV drug use is not cool at all, man.”
Cooler than your lily-white party, colonizer.
“It is a diverse crowd. Dave Chapelle’s here.”
Did you just use the “Some of my best friends are Dave Chapelle” defense?
“Just stop it.”
Who are these people? Is that guy a gamer? Something about him screams “I have a Twitch account.”
“That’s Diplo.”
Inventor of the Lego-like blocks for toddlers?
“That’s Duplo.”
Ah. He’s got powerful thighs. Does he do a lot of cross-country skiing?
“I have no idea.”
Ask him. Ask your party guest about his thighs.
“I won’t.”
Fine. What’s with Manic Panic there?
“This is Halsey.”
Palsy?
“Halsey.”
Admiral Halsey? He acted stupidly.
“Did you just quote Red October at me?”
Yes.
“Nice.”
CELL PHONE NOISE
“I complimented you!”
I guess it just felt like you were lying.
“Did you just quote my own new song, available on Apple iMusic, back to me?”
Did I? Oh, now I feel dirty. Answer the phone.
“Dick.”
…
“You’re on with John.”
“YEW WAIT JUS’ A MINNIT, BOY. AH’M SPEAKIN’ WITH SOMEONE MORE ‘PORTANT TH’N YEW!”
Ah, shit.
“ISSA HONOR T’ MEETCHU, YER SEATEDNESS!”
“Why, thank ya kindly, Elvis.”
“AH WANTED T’ GIVE YEW SEVERAL PISTOLS O’ FRIENDSHIP, BUT WAS ADVISED IT WOULD BE INCREDIBLY INAPPROPRIATE.”
“Ah done had some bad experiences with guns, son.”
“YEW EVER MEET JOSH MEYERS? HE’S A HOMOSEXUAL FROM TH’ FUTURE.”
“Is he a negroid?”
“NOSSIR.”
“Well, then, bring him round. I need some advice on a new set of drapes.”
“King? Governor Wallace? I have guests over and this isn’t the right time for–”
“AH DON’ SEE NO GUESTS, BOY, OTHER TH’N TITTYDROPS AN’ THAT ANEMIC FELLA!”
“I have many guests, Elvis.”
“See?”
“AHHH! HE GOT HISSELF A BAD SANTA!”
“An’ several o’ them negroids Ah was talkin’ about! Ah knew it! Ah can smell ’em!”
“WE GONNA RETURN FIRE WITH TH’ POWER O’ SOUTHERN HERITAGE!”
“Show them my children, Elvis! Show them what Ah have created!”
“LOOKY HERE, MAN! STARE INTO THEIR EYES, MAN!”
…
“Excuse me?”
John?
“Too weird.”
You’re not wrong.
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