Aw, Johnny, that’s sweet of you to do your little Instagram show with a Make-A-Wish kid.
“This is not a Make-A-Wish kid. It’s Halsey.”
Huh. You sure she doesn’t have a disease?
“Positive.”
Well, then she’s culturally appropriating that hat from the Cancer-American community.
“Not a thing.”
She had some very harsh words for the Victoria’s Secret folks. Accused ’em of being shapist and transphobic and all sorts of whatnot.
“I saw that. It was brave of her.”
Would it have maybe been a bit braver for her to make her remarks before performing on the Victoria’s Secret show and cashing their check?
“Brave is brave. There are no levels to brave.”
What? You’re a foolish person. You’re saying that a rich, famous, hot person making a statement that none of her fans would disagree with is the same as throwing yourself on top of a grenade?
“I am saying that.”
Dumbass. So, uh, how’s that going?
“What?”
You know.
“I don’t.”
You knoooooooooow.
“No.”
You get ballsy with Halsey?
“Dude.”
She’s got the same haircut as Shawn Mendes. Did you mount her from behind and pretend it was Shawn?
“Not answering these questions.”
Fine. Talk to him.
“Who?”
ROTARY PHONE NOISE
“Do I even have a rotary phone?”
Look to your right.
ROTARY PHONE SPOTTING NOISE
“Oh.”
…
“You’re on with John.”
“LAST ONE STANDING, MOTHERFUCKER!”
“I think I recognize this voice and, holy shit, is this inappropriate.”
“BOB DOLE WINS, RICH BOY!”
“I want no part of this.”
“I’M OUT HERE AND YOU’RE IN THERE! LEMME TAKE MY PILL AND YOU CAN SUCK BOB DOLE’S COCK, PREP SCHOOL!”
…
“Hey!”
Me?
“Yes, you! ComPLETELY fucking not okay.”
This one is on the edge, I’ll admit.
“THE EDGE? Dude! Stop associating me with shit like this!”
I just report on what happens, man.
“I hate you.”
But you love America.
I’m not even gonna lie, I would totally do that guy sitting with Josh.