Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
What the fuck, dude?
There comes a time in all men’s lives when the call must go out: Get me Paul Rodgers.
No.
All the greats have done it.
At low moments which they later regretted.
I have no regrets. Edith Piaf envies my lack of regret. I don’t even gret, let alone regret.
Stop typing.
Hey, Sam Cutler. Whatcha doing?
“Paying f’r the drinks, most likely.”
Jimmy’s still cheap?
“His frugality has become a necessary component of ‘is personality. I once saw ‘im ‘aggle with a Pakistani shopkeep over a pack o’ gum. Took ‘im an hour, but ‘e got the man down to six pence from three ha’pennies and a farthing.”
British currency was inexplicable for years.
“Made the mistake of trying t’ explain it t’ Bobby on the ’72 tour. We both broke down in exhausted weeping.”
Sure. Gotta say: Jimmy looks good. Well-preserved.
“Ironic you should use that phraseology, me son. Pagey was addicted to formaldehyde for most of the 80’s.”
Straight formaldehyde?
“Brought to ‘im by a 12-year-old Satanist.”
That sounds right.
“Best not t’ look into the particulars of Pagey’s past if you’re looking t’ keep enjoying those Zeppelin records.”
Everyone knows the Zeppelin organization was made up of monsters.
“You have no idea, me boy. Percy used to visit elementary schools to defecate on the teachers. Those are ‘ard-working people. They didn’t deserve that.”
They didn’t. Why did you call Robert Plant “Percy?”
“Because he was a great big poofter.”
Blunt.
“Bonzo was illiterate. Liked buying books, though.”
Why?
“He’d throw them at people. Real ‘ard, too. Not paperbacks, either. Saw ‘im send four members of Bill Graham’s crew to ‘ospital with the Encylopaedia Brittanica.”
Ow. What about John Paul Jones? He was supposed to be the dignified one.
“Mobbed up.”
What?
“Enforcer for the Kansas City outfit. Vicious man with the icepick.”
I’m learning a lot.
“I am a great teacher, me son. Better’n those what Percy shat upon, anyway.”
Good point.
Elvis should not have a beard. Wayne Cochran never had a beard because, as a good American, Wayne Cochran knows that only homosexuals, hippies, and the Lord Jesus Christ are permitted to wear facial hair. Elvis should not have a beard.
Mick Jagger should not have a beard, even though he is rocking that shit so hard that I am now pregnant from having looked at it.
Neither Robert Plant nor Jimmy Page should have beards because this is how they wear them: Robert looks like the Anonymous mask, and Jimmy resembles Arlo Guthrie’s brother. (Arlo Guthrie’s brother is his lyricist, and his name is John Perry Barlo Guthrie.)
Representative Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) should not have a beard, but she knew what she was getting herself into. Wives always know.
Okay, I do not know what this guy’s game is: this doesn’t even look like Bobby. First off: Bobby would be wearing his slide when he played the guitar with a violin bow. Second: Bobby knows that a guitar’s purpose is to complement your potato salad, not to hide it. Third: Bobby does not play Les Pauls. Ipsy facty: FAKE.
We can all agree that if Bobby had done this while Garcia was alive (which Bobby wouldn’t have, by the way: look how uncomfortable he is in the picture,) then Garcia would have punched Bobby in the heart with a knife. You don’t rub another man’s rhubarb, you don’t fuck with his car, and you don’t play his guitar.
Jimmy Page still hates Robert Plant for this bullshit right here:
“Ooh, look at me: I’m Jimmy Page and I’m daaaaaaark and scaaaaaaaary.”
“Put that down, Percy.”
“I’m so good at guitar, I play two at once.”
“If you were literally any other human being on the planet, I would literally have you beaten to death.”
“Yeah, but I’m me, so: WHERE’S ME VIOLIN BOW?”
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