Listen, I’m just saying.
All I’m doing is saying.
Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To
Tag: john mayer (Page 29 of 42)
“What did I do?”
“The watch thing, Bob.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, who you are, or where I am.”
“You haven’t let that stop you yet.”
“Sure, sure.”
“You made fun of my watches onstage. ‘Just like a Swiss watch.’ That hurt. It’s like all those long, one-sided conversations I had with you about watches were wastes of time.”
“Seems that way.”
“Bob!”
“Listen, Josh: it’s a new Bob Weir. I’m doing jazz hands, and I’m tossing out zingers.”
“Oh? We’re doing zingers now? Cuz…you know…”
“What?”
“When did you start doing jazz hands, Bob?”
“I’ve never done jazz hands.”
“You’re doing them right now.”
…
“Is this jazz hands?”
“What did you think they were?”
“Sex thing.”
“No, Bob.”
“The way Billy taught me, they are.”
“That goes for everything Billy teaches.”
“Sometimes he teaches lessons.”
“He does.”
“Yeah, yeah. Josh, I’ve thought it over and I’m going to continue doing whatever the hell I feel like.”
“Worked for you so far.”
“Seems that way.”
I don’t think those are legally pants. Like, if they were imported and needed to be classified for tariff? They would be taxed at the rate for “loose cloth” rather than for “trousers.” They’re definitely from Creepy Ernie’s because they have three or four inseams, and there’s nothing Ern likes more than measuring an inseam.
Anyway, there’s a show tonight, because it is summer and we are Americans, and so the Grateful Dead (Or What’s Left Of ‘Em) is playing somewhere. They’re at Folsom Field* in Boulder, CO, tonight and the show’s being webcasted. Buy it here, or you can listen on SiriusXM Channel 23, or you could steal the pirate feed like a scurvy dog.
The show starts at 6:30 pm Mountain Time, which means I do not know when it starts.
Why are time zones so confusing to you?
Why aren’t they confusing to everyone else?
Terrible answer.
*These will be the first rock shows in 15 years since Dave Matthews blew past the strict curfew and the university stopped booking concerts, once again proving that Dave Matthews ruins everything.
“I’m just so proud of Josh, Candy.”
“You were 0-for-2 there, Bob.”
“He’s come a long way as a musician and as a Grateful Dead. You should see him get tuggers now.”
“I would watch that.”
“And Billy’s gonna steal his road case full of hats and dump it in a river pretty soon, so that’s okay, too. He’s teaching us a lot, and we’re teaching him.”
“And what have you taught John, specifically?”
“Well, watch this.”
“See?”
“Wow.”
“Took him a while to get it, honestly. Don’t want to throw him under the Earthroamer, but that’s what happened. Poked himself in the eye a bunch.”
“Is that it, Bob?”
“Oh, no. Hooked him up with prayer hands.”
“Oooh, that’s good.”
“Right? Kid’s a natural. So proud of him. Took him a day to learn. Been trying to teach Chimenti to roll over for a decade, but that’s a lost cause. Josh is bright.”
“How about a selfie, Bob?”
“Sure, sure.”
“Josh, what was that?”
…
“Dammit! I meant to.”
“You managed to angle your watch towards the camera, but you can’t do hand on chin?”
“Bob, I spaced. I’m sorry. Let’s take another one.”
“You ruined it.”
“This new thing, Dead & Company, it’s got something. It’s cooking, y’know? Hot band. I haven’t learned the bass player’s name, but he’s a player. Real player.”
“What was that you were telling me about Garcia, Bob?”
“Oh, yeah. He’s still there. A little. I can see him out of the corner of my eye sometimes. I think he’s okay with what we’re doing.”
“Wow.”
“If he were alive, he’d still be in the Dead, of course.”
“Sure.
“And if Phil were alive, he’d still be in the band.”
“Nope.”
“Only, you know, only thing I got a problem with is the tempos. Some of those songs are just too slow. Especially the ones I sing.”
“Bobby.”
“Gotta goose it. Needs a little goosifying.”
“Bobby.”
“The choogle’s getting a bit droopy, is all I’m saying.”
“Bob, you complaining about the tempos being too slow is like Jack the Ripper complaining about all the dead whores.”
…
“Do you want to get dinner after this?”
“OH, FUCK THIS! NO!”
“What’s the matter?”
“I just got out of this bullshit reality.”
“You don’t like it? It’s kind of fun. Have you met Wally?”
HELLO, ANDERSON–DO NOT CALL ME THAT–COOPER. WE MEET AGAIN.
“Why have you accepted this weirdness so readily?”
“You never took acid, did you?”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“In this situation? Quite a bit.”
“Look at this shirt, Bobby.”
“Wow.”
“You look surprised.”
“When I saw the shirt, I understood what Oppenheimer felt like watching the Trinity test.”
…
“Should we take another call?”
“Yeah, why not?”
“Caller, you’re on with Bob Weir and Josh Meyers.”
“Andy!”
“Caller?”
“Heeeeeey, man.”
“Oh, hey, Soup.”
“Soup!”
“Your name is Soup?”
“I’m Soup, man.”
“And where are you calling from?”
“The dressing room down the hall, man. I’ve moved in, man.”
“What? Is that…is he…?”
PRODUCER WHISPER
“He’s really in there? So get him out.”
PRODUCER WHISPER
“What do you mean there’s a talking PA system in your way?”
On the carpet, the red splotch in the middle: that’s the head of Jebediah Springfield.
Also: double-portion of potato salad.
“Here’s Johnny Boy.”
“Look out, look out: the Andyman.”
“Do you want to tell everyone out there in TV land about our weekend at Santa Clara?”
“We roadtripped!”
“In the Earthroamer, yeah.”
“You pooped a lot in it.”
“I don’t know what it was: I got in the thing and just had to go.”
“I’m finding out that’s a universal reaction.”
“We went to see the Dead and then that was the weekend that marriage equality passed, so we went out.”
“Right. You took me to a number of saloons for homosexuals.”
“Or gay bars. Whichever.”
“We paraded up and down Fancy Street.”
“Or went to several bars. Either, John.”
“There was the Ramrod.”
“What?”
“Not your Ramrod, Bob.”
“Ah.”
“And then we went to the Abbey. Then the Ginger Beer.”
“The Irish gay bar.”
“We were all over the place, Andy: The Tufted Tush, Fort Dicks, Tallywhackers, the Frisky-a-Go-Go.”
“They closed the Frisky.”
“Why?”
“Everything.”
“It was a bit of a dive. Was that the place they were filming the gay porn?”
“This might be a better story for the web-only portion of the interview, John.”
“There were gay porn stars all over the place, and quite a few gay porn character actors. One fellow introduced himself to me as the ‘Paul Giamatti of gay porn.'”
“John.”
“His name was Thrilling Fist.”
“John.”
“I assume that’s not his real name.”
“You’ve gotten weird since you started hanging out with these people, John.”
“Don’t say that, Andyman.”
…
“I’d be a bear, right? If I were gay, that’s what I’d be called, right? Bear?”
“Yes, Bob.”
“That’s just great.”
“And I’d never seen a ham that large.”
“It does seem like a large ham, Bob.”
“So, you know: people needed to know how generous my new bandmate was. I held the ham up like this.”
“Oh, is that why you’ve been making that gesture?”
…
“I’m having another out-of-body experience.”
“That’s the third one since the last commercial break, Bob.”
“They’re fun. Ooh, I’m ’bout 25 feet up.”
“Careful of the lights.”
“Well, you know, Randy: it’s not exactly a corporeal thing.”
…
“Johnny Boy?”
“Andyman?”
“Is he always like this?”
“No, no. Sometimes he’s distracted.”
“I didn’t see you in the van, Oteil.”
“Bob, shh.”
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